Help - Possible expat move abroad - advice needed

[Katie74]

My dh has just been offerred ( and accepted a new job) based in Chicago- its going to be a 6-9mnth job with the strong likelihood of then another job based out of Philadelphia by the end of the year which would be more of a permanent ( say 2yrs) move.
Basically this new job starts on Monday and we have to decide how we want to handle our logisitics and arrangements.

I work part-time in a career that i do enjoy but wouldnt mind giving up our ds is 2.9 and we have been kind of trying for no.2 but no luck yet.

My parents think i should get a leave of absence from work and just go with him to be there as a support.
Alternatively, I could stay here and with a mixture of him coming back a bit and me going out a bit more do that until his other role is further finalised.

Its a really exciting opportunity but feel very sorry for my ds who sees his dadddy so little anyway that to further reduce this contact would be hard both emotionally and for me keeping it all together. I grew up where my father was always abroad on business and really used to miss him - so do feel tempted to just go out there....however it would be a big upheaval - we would have to rent our house out ( perhaps not in short/short term) and then get ds settled into like in the US of A plus be a loving supportive wife!

Aaargh whats anyone think - I 'm all messed up and dh does not fly back from states until tomorrow am....

Sorry should add we are currently based in east Anglia not the US

If you can afford to give up work, I would resign and go with him- ds is young enough to be able to take it in his stride. How much notice would you have to give to your employers- would that be enough time fot dh to find you all somewhere to live, and for you to rent out the house? (Easier to do that whilst you're still in UK, unless you're going to empyt the place and rent it unfurnished through an agent).

We moved to Switzerland when ds was 3 and I was pg with dd. Even though it was only meant to be for a year I couldn't imagine not staying together as a family. It is an upheaval but having a parttime relationship (which we did for a month before we joined him as had no accommodation)is tough going too. At least while your child is younger you have less of his opinion and educational needs to take into account, but he may well miss relatives, familiar surroundings , friends etc and react. Could you go over and see if you like it. Don't treat it as a holiday though as you need ot assess the practicalities of day-to-day life if you are ever to settle in - driving, shopping, preschool/toddler groups, making friends, distance from family, time you spend together as a family, general orientation - then make a more definite decision. However do bear in mind that it may take the full 9 months for you to feel at home, only for you potentially to have to move and start again, to a lesser extent. The alternative is to let him travel for the first assignment and consider moving later, if a second one comes off and you feel ready to do so. We always promised ourselves that , should we get the opportunity we would try to do it, and we are pleased we did.

Its a tough one but I wouldn't just give up work and go if I were you. Could you take some holidays/unpaid leave and go over for a month or so and see what you think of life over there?

10 years ago dh was transferred to Chicago and I went along with several other wives. Most hated it and were all back within the year. Although I didn't have children then so didn't have anything to do all day as I wasn't allowed to work due to visa restrictions. It might not be as bad if you have a child as it may be easier to make friends etc. We had a great expat group but it was so boring and so different from the UK. Also the weather in Chicago at this time of year is terrible. It will more than likely be well below zero degrees until about April (if I remember correctly). It is a much nicer place in summer though.

Thanks for your comments - i think my concern is that I am pretty single parent at the moment anyway as dh rarely come before 9pm on weeknights and spends at least 50% of his time away travelling. My concern if we go part-time on our reln and we stya here for the interim is that ds then would only end up seeing dh amd being a fmily maybe 1 a month for possibly 6 months.
I don't really think that there is much question about us staying out in the US for some time - up to 3 years we had discussed its kind of his career and these are brilliant opportunites for him which will also financially set us up for a long time ( possibily allow us to pay off part/all of mortage) Given ds is still so long we have rationalised that if we are going to do it now is the time...
We could leave house empty and his co would pay for accomm in chicago - but that wouldnt be long term decision. I could also take a sabbatical from work for 6 months ( or even 1 month I guess to see how we like it)
Its all so overwhelming. I have a great work life balance now ( most of the time) witha vaguely stimulating role and a fantastic mummy network for my days off and I 've had to work really hard to develop it ( we only moved to this area when ds was 3 months) so I feel like everything is starting again...Gosh think I'm rambling now -
One of the only times I've ever thought about needing a drink at 2 pm in the afternoon!

Thanks for your comments - i think my concern is that I am pretty single parent at the moment anyway as dh rarely come before 9pm on weeknights and spends at least 50% of his time away travelling. My concern if we go part-time on our reln and we stya here for the interim is that ds then would only end up seeing dh amd being a fmily maybe 1 a month for possibly 6 months.
I don't really think that there is much question about us staying out in the US for some time - up to 3 years we had discussed its kind of his career and these are brilliant opportunites for him which will also financially set us up for a long time ( possibily allow us to pay off part/all of mortage) Given ds is still so long we have rationalised that if we are going to do it now is the time...
We could leave house empty and his co would pay for accomm in chicago - but that wouldnt be long term decision. I could also take a sabbatical from work for 6 months ( or even 1 month I guess to see how we like it)
Its all so overwhelming. I have a great work life balance now ( most of the time) witha vaguely stimulating role and a fantastic mummy network for my days off and I 've had to work really hard to develop it ( we only moved to this area when ds was 3 months) so I feel like everything is starting again...Gosh think I'm rambling now -
One of the only times I've ever thought about needing a drink at 2 pm in the afternoon!

I would go - do the sabbatical route for 6 months if that makes you feel more secure about it.
I am from the Philadelphia area and my dh & I just moved to the UK 5 years ago on an Expat assignment. Philly is a great city. Unfortunately I'm not that familiar with Chicago, but any questions you have about the Philly area I may be able to help answer!
Also, having done the Expat thing myself, I can highly recommend it. It has been such an amazing experience to live on the other side of the pond. I am expecting my 1st child, but can only imagine that an experience abroad for your ds would be a good thing!
Sorting out material possessions (i.e. house, car, etc.) can be a pain, but the pain is far outweighed by the experience abroad.

oh yes go with your husband,it's a chance to do something different.I've lived in quite a few countries both as an adult and a child and it is a great life experience.I also think you need to stay together as a family.

Go now whilst your child is young enough not to find it traumatic.

I would go. Yes, the weather in Chicago can be fierce, but it is a wonderful city. Lots and lots of great things to do, restaurants, museums, etc.

I'd say make sure you know what financial support your DH's company would be willing to give you. It's no fun being an expat on a shoestring.

Do go. We're in a similar position at the moment but I am the one pushing to go. We've always said we would move around and travel while the children (3.5 and 2) are young.

In your case it sounds like the pluses so outweigh the minuses (or hassles). I personally think it is important for children to see as much of both parents as is feasible and if you are planning on having another baby you will be giving up work for a bit anyhow. Leaving friends is hard but there are new ones to be made and new experiences too.

I lived in Philly while DH worked 8 years ago and it is a great city with easy access to New York and Washington for long weekends. I couldn't work when we were out there and did get a bit bored at times. This time it would be different because there are the children to keep me busy. I have vowed that where ever we end up next time I will put them in daycare for a few hours and study a relevant language (Spanish in the States, French in Canada, etc.) just so that I have my own 'thing' independent of the children (and something useful).

I'm with LIZS on this one. Let dh go and do 1st contract in Chicago whilst you visit for extended holiday then plan to move once his longer contract is confirmed.

It sounds like you are coping well with existing separation, I would stick with your current lifestyle for a few more months then move.

I will admit that DH and I have had a fair bit of separation and we cope ok. I found out I was preganant just after I had accepted a 6 month contract in UK and DH started a short term contract (turned in to 1 year, now year 4!) in Austria. I stayed in UK for the birth of DS and we didn't join DH until DS was 5 months old (with hindsight giving birth in german would have been better than the NHS in Slough but I wasn't to know that ). It's not great but you can make it work if you want to.

i haven't got any experience yet but we are possibly facing almost exactly the same situation (but only to Belgium).

I would say go, definitely. I think it could be a struggle if you can't work at all, but maybe volunteering could work - my impression of volunteering in the US is it's much more common so you might be able to find posts that would pay expenses or similar, perhaps even childcare. Dunno at all but worth thinking about??

My opinion could be skewed by the fact that my dh simply wouldn't cope emotionally on his own if we were in the UK - I think he'd be the first to agree with that. Your situation sounds different.

Gosh, thanks for all the posts. Its been a manic few days and dh went off to states this am. It felt really odd as its quite likely he won't be coming back to this house as 'home' for months and months.

I spoke to work this morning and have asked for redundnacy ( although unlikely) and if not that I would prob then consider a sabbatical. I didnt wnat to give the impression that I might not come back so there was more ammunition for redundnacy.
I think I have decidied that whatever I will go out in early may with ds and stay for the summer or until we know firmly what will be happening. Its very scary and I think part of the fear is just jumping into something totally unknown. I've never lived abroad nor done any travelling other than on business occassionally or for holidays so feel absolutely terrified.
I have bought about 20,000 books from amazon on living in Chicago....

Hi Katie74, just saw this thread again and see you have decided to go to Chicago. As someone who once lived there I would recommend looking around the Lincoln Park area to live. I wouldn't recommend the downtown area as it is mainly a business area which pretty much closes down on weekends (like the city part London) at least thats how it was when we lived there.

Lincoln Park is really close to the Zoo and lake and I used to walk to Michigan Avenue in about 20 mins. It is also an area with shops, coffee shops and gyms etc. Things may be different now but it definitely was a great area to live in when we were there. When we were there also all leases were for 1 year and if you wanted to leave before the year you had to find a sub let tennant. You may be able to get a sublet for less than a year if you know when you are definitely leaving.

Thanks stripey, in actual fact I resigned on Monday as we decided to just go for it. Very exciting but I am now up to my eyes in trying to manage our move fairly singlehandedly.... What would you recommend we do about trying to find an apartment. I have seen 2 on line - one on North Harbour Drive ( called north harbour Tower) which is close to DH's work and close to Navy Pier which I think is a nice area and also the Chicagoan on Rush St which I know is nice but apt is pricier but a bit smaller. We've got flexibility on the rent and we would look up to 3200usd/month as i think that our housing is the most critical factor in making the move a sucess. However I am sure there must be renatl agents who work just in lincoln Park/Gold Coast but am having trouble locating anything other than these main websites.....

Will your dh's company pay for a relocation agent for you? I found it very helpful when we moved to Berlin, especially as there was an added language difficulty there. We told him where we wanted to live and what type of flat and he found it for us and dealt with the landlord (ie checking in/out, problems or repairs). We didn't have ds at the time but he would have helped us sort out childcare/schools had we needed it. It's helpful to have someone sort out the boring stuff for you and tell you how the system works for things like healthcare/rubbish collection/public transport etc.

its quite a small company and they tend to do stuff on the cheap (ie sort yourself and we will pay) also dh bit crap at asking for stuff trys to do it all a bit informally - I'm in HR for a global bank so I know what we should be getting or at least what we offer.......... which only makes it worst actually.

There does not seem to be an easy way to find relocation agents in Chicago or a rental agent who isnt 'virtual'

If your bank has a branch in Chicago could you ask HR there to recommend a relocation agent? Even if you have to pay for it yourself it might be worthwhile to sort out accommodation through one.

Hi Katie74. When we moved there we were put up in serviced apartments for a month and looked around to see where we would like to live. I remember an agent driving us around to lots of different apartments so we could choose the one we preferred. As it was 10 years ago it is hard to remember all of the areas, I remember Navy Pier was a nice area but I don't remember it being too residential - not sure if many families would live there. I think the closer you are to downtown the less residential the area. TBH I think most families probably live in the suburbs so I would check out child friendly places around where you will live before signing up.

Sorry I can't be of more help maybe you should make a thread asking if anybody is living in Chicago now as they would have the best info. I do know one person who still lives there who now has a baby I could send her an email and see if she has any suggestions.

Could you dh contact an agent and get some local advice as he is over there?