My DSD has started her degree. She is not happy. How can I help?

[MyChemicalToilet]

Background - she is older than the usual student, having worked a few years after 'A' levels. Her uni is a few hundred miles from home.

She is finding it hard to cope with the academic work, after being a few years away from the discipline. She also dislikes the lack of money. She finds her fellow students rather dull (none of them are experiencing her issues and are getting stuck into their degree/student life).

However, when she was working and at home, she was also very unhappy, and was so looking forward to her degree and was delighted to be accepted.

My view is that she hasn't given it a good enough chance (this is her first term). What can I (via her dad) say to help and encourage? I don't want her to be kicking herself in a few months, when she's back home, and all her original unhappiness resurfaces.

Thanks for any advice.

Has she considered getting her degree alongside working, through something like the Open University? If she continues to be really unhappy with full-time student life, this might be a solution as it would help with the money side of things and also, presumably, she can drop back into a social life with work colleagues rather than (rather young and immature) students who she doesn't have anything in common with.

I was very unhappy during my degree (a long time ago now though). What really got me through was a really lovely tutor, who picked up on how unhappy I was and gave me extra help. Does your DSD have someone on the staff who's meant to be looking out for her? Could you gently suggest that she lets them know she's struggling? She may be hiding it well...

My only other suggestion would be to get a Saturday/part time job to give her a bit more spending money. It may be more menial than what she was doing before (although maybe she could use that experience to get something good?) but not being skint all the time might help her mood.

Good luck

I went to it older, with different issues and nearly left in the first term. But I am so glad I stayed! It got better, much better. Effort is needed to make friends and try to fit in with others. Some people are just for fun, others for indepth conversation (just like anywhere else).

I am so glad I listened to the advice of my parents and others, otherwise I would have missed out on so much.

Is she getting actively involved in uni life or waiting for it to come to her? Because you need to put yourself out there. If she's not meeting the right people then she's not looking in the right places - there will be others like her out there.

Thank you for all your helpful suggestions.

She is here at home for a few days, and I will gently try and get her to consider them. I remember being unhappy and insecure during my first term, but as you remind me, it gets alot better and she would miss out
on many things. She was so upbeat a few days ago, about the trips planned for the course, so this unhappiness when she saw us this weekend was a bit of a shock.

I expect I'll be back for more. Thank you.

Does she still like the actual course...i.e. her subject choice? What is she studying btw...just nosey, tbh!

Must admit, at teh Uni where I am studying there seem to be plenty of mature students...and not just on my course, which is a typical mature student choice (Occupational Therapy), but also all sort of other courses seeem to have a big amount of mature students...

Is she just someone who is never happy? I don't mean this nastily....but you know, some people just never are happy, grass is greener...no matter which side of the fence they are on, etc...

Maybe it wold be worth to try to focus her onto the end result...i.e. whatever she has planned on doing afterwards....

Also, I would definetely try to get her to stick with it for a while longer to give it a chance...it is hard to adjust...I should know, lol....am 38 and have been a SAHM for pretty much the last 12 1/2 year....did my nursing when I was younger...than decided it's not somehting I want to do anynmore....it was quite a shock at first, but I really am starting to enjoy it all more and more, dispite not really taking part in the Student fun bit....but I love the course...have met lovely people....

Anywya, rambling on about myself....hope you can find the right words for her!

Thanks Fairlady. I shall join you in a mini-rrant too.

She has decided to pack up and come home. I am frustrated, but support her. She was crying herself to sleep every night, and that isn't right. I just wish she had talked to someone earlier.

It isn't nasty - there is some truth about what you ask - she is someone who is never happy. I wondered if she is suffering from depression. She does accept that she has to change within herself - she can't come back and carry on as she did previously.

She was studying Egyptology and Ancient History, which I think would have been fascinating.

It sounds judgey, but I think her parents and I may have different values about education generally. I have learned one thing, and that is to make sure that my own DD's, if they decide to do something, they try their damnedness by themselves, but feel secure enough to seek help when they need it.

Thanks to everyone - your suggestions were used, but her mind was made up.

actually - I can imagine that the idea of studying a subject like egyptology would sound like fun - but then the grind of the details and dry academic textbooks and articles could be disappointing. I wonder as well if she expected going to uni to be a magic fix for social etc discontentment - sounds like she is slightly depressed - not necessarily in the medical sense - given that she was so unhappy at home before uni. I wonder if a service like connexions (careers etc advice for young people) might be able to help her find work or study she enjoys more.

The uni would have a Careers Service which would probably be better suited to her needs - they will tell her her oprtions, even if she does decide to stop.

Thing is, Universities are big places- it has only been a month, and somewhere in that Unversity are people just like her.

Either way she really should see the Careers Service.

BTW, is it uni, or transitions that she has trouble with?

Hello again,

Thanks, that is a good idea on the Careers Service. She is going back to pack up next week, and I will suggest she schedules an appointment. Connexions too.

I think you are right in that she was expecting a magic fix. I know her home life was not very satisfactory (three brothers, mum has been recently left by her new partner, so household finances are definitely a problem). Maybe it was viewed as an escape.

I'm glad I asked here. I've been here a year and this is the first thread I've started.

There is obviously a lot going on within her family...
Shame she is giving up....maybe she could transfer to another Uni, and maybe even a different course, if she would the course not really to be the right one...

She is lucky to have someone who cares for her, btw....
Really hope she can get herself sortet out!

God, personally I can't believe that my first term is almost over already....one more week attendence and then we have study weeks until christmas holidays and after the Holidays our first placement....wohoo...lol...but I suppose the older you get the faster time seems to fly by....