Any other Freshers finding it hard to get into studying?

[Windowcleaning]

Hi all,

Dc started university three weeks ago after a year out working and doing voluntary work. Very, VERY up and down - anxious, homesick, feeling overwhelmed etc. Not been away from home much, so big adjustment. Came home for a few days as had Covid-like virus, but did go back.

Told me yesterday that they've hardly been to any lectures and aren't interested in studying. Bit of a surprise, as generally been fairly studious/self-motivated previously. Discussed going to speak with someone about swapping courses, but not sure.

Some seminars cancelled by strike action, which I get is demotivating and unsettling when you've just started. But lots in the same boat.

Can't work out if this is settling in/finding feet blues or actually university isn't the right thing for them at the moment. Dc has gone round in circles with uni isn't right for me/but I want to get a degree/what else will I do at the moment?

My general advice has been just keep going, speak with tutor, fake it til you make it, one day at a time etc. It was a long time ago that I did my UG, but I do remember lots of students seemed to flouder for a bit, esp on low contact courses like the one she's doing (humanities).

Any similar experiences at all, or words of wisdom?

TIA

Well, things seemed to be going quite well - fewer panicky texts, joined a couple of societies, been out socialising. The extent of the strikes aren't helping, as it's been hard to get into a routine and meet people.

She came home on Monday to 'reset' and is now saying that she's not going back. Social anxiety, especially believing that other people have made 'close' friends and that no-one likes her is the main thing. She has a follow up GP apt on Friday to discuss CBT/medication but that's at the university.

When she came home in Monday, she was chatting about things she'd done and assignments coming up. Since then, she's basically sat in her room on her phone convincing herself that everyone else has amazing Halloween plans and that she's left out. I've watched her do this to herself so many times over the past 5 years. It's heartbreaking, but she's an adult. I can't stop her.

I've said that it's up to her and I would strongly advise speaking to student services, tutor, counselling/wellbeing services before making a big decision so many times that there's no point in me repeating it.

Exhausted with it all.

She needs to contact her personal supervisor. I’ve been meeting with my students all day and some of them are a bit overwhelmed. Many that did A levels are finding it tricky to manage their work now as school was so prescriptive. It helps to talk it through though and not just retreat.

I could not agree more and I cannot say how many times I have suggested this to her.

I'm sorry to hear this. You are doing everything I would do in this situation. It is so hard when they start to convince themselves that everyone else has it sorted. We know it is seldom the case. As I said, I think you are doing the right things with your advice and making clear it is a big decision. Perhaps the only other thing you could ask her to consider is why the alternative (whatever that might be) is better? But sending lots of sympathy, they are adults and they need to make their own decisions but it can be so exhausting when you're on the receiving end of the negativity.

Thanks. Yes, she took a year out last year, did some voluntary work, couple of jobs. Wanted to travel but didn't have anyone to go with and couldn't overcome her fears enough to go on one of those group trips.

So, the alternative to university is coming home and looking for a job in a pub or something, while all her friends are away at university. Like last year, except more people being away and kicking herself for not giving university more of a go/accessing the support that is there for exactly the problems that she's having.

It's heartbreaking and infuriating in equal measure. I hoped that the positive experiences during her gap year would have given her enough confidence to stick it out with support, but maybe not. The infuriating part is her telling me over and over again about things that she needs to speak with people at the university about, but hasn't (as yet).

It sounds like more than teething issues and may be point to leave and get treatment and then maybe look at staying home and studying locally in 27.

Possibly, yes. I think it would be so much better if she could access treatment while she's there and get through it in a situation where there are plenty of options to socialise rather than at home where she has very few to none, and is very, very reliant on me. She needs to separate from me and I can't be the person to help her with that.

But maybe if she did come home and get treatment, she could feel braver here? I don't know. My fear is that she comes home, the anxiety abates enough to just make her miserable and she's used to and comfortable with that. It took her a long time to get her other jobs and she just got more and more isolated as she's not involved in anything and her friends are all away.

And on a personal level, I am utterly drained and exhausted with listening to and trying to support her anxiety, when she won't speak to anyone other than me about it. I can't help her anymore than I have, which is hard, but I just can't.

@Windowcleaning feel for you so much OP. Sounds very stressful. I've no experience but I think just being there for her and talking things through is all you can offer. You can't fix this for her and that's heartbreaking as a parent.

Just worked out that a month at university will have cost us/her in the region of £14,000, with loan, fees and years' accommodation.

Money is very much a secondary consideration to her mental health, absolutely, but it is so, so depressing and distressing to watch her do this to herself.

I am extremely sympathetic about her social anxiety, but frustrated to the point of screaming about the fact that all she will not/cannot take steps to address it. I think there's some depression there as well now, but again, other than endlessly encourage her to seek support, exercise, speak to people, eat well, I don't know what else to do.

Could you help her compose an email to her academic advisor and copy the course leader? Write down everything see what they suggest rather than her going in ? You can compose it with her.
im sending you a hug ad its not easy having adult children ask for advice and not listen .
if it’s not for her also come up with an alternative , look for a job etc

Get her to go find a tutor or course leader. Maybe the course isn't right for her? Just because she liked the idea at 16, doesn't mean its still a good fit. After a year out she'll find it harder to settle anyway, but if the course is wrong, getting out of it quickly seems the best way forward. She maybe able to swap or just get a job and start applying for degree apprenticeships?

Re money - if she is in England (not sure about other home nation systems), and has student loans, she will only be charged 25% of the tuition fee and this will be treated as part of her student debt to be paid off later. She will need to pay back ' unused' maintenance loan is she has been paid for sept-jan, so leaving now she would need to pay back now-jan. Again the used portion would add to her student debt.
Accommodation - if it is uni accommodation, and she can show she is leaving for medical reasons, she may be lucky and be released from her contract. Similarly, if she/uni can get a new occupant for her room she may be released. Private halls, it's not so easy, but definitely worth asking if there is a way to be released early.

Much sympathy Op. I can see you are making suggestions and she’s just not following through and instead venting at you.
Could you go up and see her and go into uni with her. I wonder if she’s just in such a bad place she’s completely overwhelmed and can’t engage at all.

Thanks all. She has gone back and saw GP this morning. He prescribed low dose of Sertraline and told her to self-refer to the mental health services, which she says she will do.

Her flat have all decided that they're going to live together next year. They did ask her and she said no as she doesn't know whether she'll even be there. She's got far too much on her plate to even think about that. It's unfortunate timing, that's for sure, as another source of stress - everyone's made their friends.

But she's there for now and we'll see how the next few days go.

I wouldn’t worry about yr2 accommodation there’s always people looking for housemates. Good she has seen gp. Hopefully she can access some support via uni.

Yes, I know that there's no hurry, but it's all feeding into her belief that 'everyone else' has found their friends and she hasn't.

I know that's not true, but she's pretty fixed on it.

Mine hasn’t yet. Being a late entry into her course has made it harder. But she’s throwing herself into the studying and the work and talking to people and hoping everything will fall into place eventually and i’m encouraging her to join stuff . I know it hasn't been easy for her , I’ve been encouraging her to speak up. She has had to teach out to her academic advisor and lecturers in order to ask for help to get up to date with her work . Been a slog . She caught up with evething yesterday ( I have a message at 1 am) so I’m hoping she will have time to join stuff next week when she’s less busy .
it’s hard though sometimes getting through with advice . She asks for it but doesn’t always want to listen . It does make me sad at times that she’s not had a smooth start and has been stressful for her.
maybe speaking to the tutors and distracting herself with the course will help yours too ?

Hope things settle down and work out for your DD RockyKeen.