Year 1 weight gain and rubbish diet

[NChangeorama]

Hi all: YP home from Y1. Has gained weight quite significantly at uni. Have just bought new jeans without comment. He was underweight before and is now slightly overweight which actually is no bad thing. He is eating more generally including at meals. BUT is also (now he is home and I can see) massively over consuming crisps and chocolate (he is buying) and bacon. I am keeping my mouth shut but it really worries me from a health perspective. He is ASD. WWYD? Say something? Say nothing? His dad also overconsumes those things and that worries me too but I’ve given up there. Dad does loads and loads of exercise and is not overweight. (I am slightly.)

I know YP is an adult and my instinct is to say nothing but I’m finding it hard. Wise thoughts?

I'd say nothing. Your h does the same thing and you are also overweight so why would you single your son out as having a problem. I am sure he knows he has put weight on and if he was underweight before he might just like the feeling of having filled out a bit and he may just settle at a healthy weight eventually.

I know. I don’t know why I’m struggling so much with it. It’s less about the weight tbh and more about the sheer quantity of crisps and chocolate tbh. But you are so right: I can imagine how I would have felt if my mum ever said anything to me no matter how well intentioned. It feels like watching self destructive behaviour and sitting on my hands (I know I need to).

I think it matters because it could predispose him to heart problems. If you make healthy food available that may help, but I am sure you're already doing that.

You could comment on what he’s eating without mentioning his weight, but really if his dad is eating this stuff it’s not fair to not address him too. Being slim with a crap diet isn’t healthy either.

Part of being an adult is learning to self-regulate when you fly the nest and start living independently. If he's intelligent enough to go to uni he's presumably intelligent enough to know his diet isn't great, he'll work out a better balance on his own.

Thanks for thoughts, all. It helps me process. I have concluded that all I can really do is model, but also make my though processes more visible: wow, I'm hungry right now but actually I am properly hungry so rather than snack I might make myself a proper meal / I know dinner is soon I guess a banana and a handful of nuts is a sensible option (etc). We have a family history of heart disease and I have chosen to manage high cholesterol through lifestyle (it's working) so I am hyper sensitive to the choices he is currently making. When I was his age, though, I remember inhaling whole packets of biscuits so I need to hold my nerve and as @AmberSpy says hold faith that he will self-regulate eventually. I guess it's the ASD part that gives me doubt that he will (or soon, anyway) -- he is definitely intelligent enough but that doesn't always = ability to self-regulate. In any event, he needs to work this out for himself and I need to bite my tongue.

Appreciate the input. :)

Just one question - would you bite your tongue if this was about drug use or overconsumption of alcohol?

Because binge eating is just as dangerous and sugar is more addictive than heroin (apparently).

They may be of legal age and gone off to university but you don't stop being their parents overnight, or ever in fact.

I’d say something. He’s eating shit including carcinogens. Advise he reflect on what’s good for his brain going into second year

@NChangeorama why can you not say something? No wonder we have an obesity crisis if we pussyfoot around like this. He’s obviously not truly capable of looking after himself so it surprises me you don’t say something and guide him. You actually sound a bit scared of him.

Why are we not allowed to say anything? I would
if he was my child. Not about his weight directly or making it about appearances but about eating a very unhealthy diet and the consequences of that. If it gets ingrained and he puts on more weight it will get harder and harder to change and it will affect his health very badly. I would be saying something.

It's the responsibility of parents to model a healthy diet, to provide a healthy diet for their children and to pull their children up when they eat an unhealthy diet.

All you can do is model healthy eating and offer healthy options when you’re cooking.

This is marginally better than the reverse - losing significant weight is also common in the first year

I would and did say something . Next stage here was eating only meat and veg and nothing like enough calories, not great either. But what I say gets heard and added to other information. I don’t think it’s wrong to express our knowledge however much they may resent it.

I remember as a slender sprightly fresher being told by a finalist about the freshers' ten, the minimum ten pounds every fresher gains, from snacks, pasta, beer/cider, oh how we laughed, a year later I was ten pounds heavier.
Is there an active sport or hobby he enjoys? Any of the activities dad is doing that he might want to join without the focus being on weight? Set up more as a thing they do together for bonding?

Have you understood this is a neurodiverse young adult who was previously underweight? A situation which deserves some sensitivity surely.

Thanks for additional thoughts; and also thank you @TheCurious0range for seeing some of the additional challenges. I am feeling somewhat better about it: I am explicitly narrating my choices more, we have talked about it directly in terms of health (in the context of me making a grocery list so it didn’t feel too focussed) AND he appears to have slowed down on the inhalation of junk. Keeping fingers crossed it was just a “change of routine” thing. Again, appreciate the thoughts.

😅 we called it the freshers fifty. I remember my first year well, living off cheesy beans on toast 😂 i definitely put on a lot of weight! Thankfully lost it once I moved back home for second year. Unfortunately it's all about quick and easy. Hopefully being back home over the summer will help him to manage his weight a little better. Maybe try cooking some quick and easy meals with him that he can replicate that are less junk

Leave the weight out if it if you do decide to address the crisps / chocolate consumption

Are you eating together as a family over the vacation/summer? Can you limit snack availability to discourage consumption?

As long as bacon consumption is not too often, it should not be a problem.

In terms of weight, he may well still be growing in height terms or have just reached the filling out stage.

@TheCurious0range I think nd adults have responsibilities like everyone else. They make choices like everyone else. Op won’t control him at uni and going away maybe wasn’t the best plan. I can see the need for guidance but the op wont overseevuniversity so all of this is short term.