Can Erasmus help socially if university friendships have become difficult?

[ThatWaryBird]

I’m not a parent, just a student (sorry if this doesn’t belong here). I feel very depressed..

In my first year of university, I made a small group of friends, but over time two of those friendships kind of fell apart. Around the same time, I also ended up venting a lot to two friends about everything that was going on. I didn’t really realise it then, but I think everything just became a bit emotionally heavy, and they slowly started spending more time with other people. We still talk now, but there’s definitely some distance there.

Right now, I don’t really have any long-term close friends, which has been quite hard. I’m halfway through my second year and uni feels increasingly stressful, not just academically but socially too. Most people already seem settled into their groups, and it feels difficult to start over at this stage. I’ve started feeling quite anxious about it, and because of that I’ve been avoiding uni more and more and isolating myself, which has made everything feel worse.

I signed up for Erasmus+ partly because I feel like I need a reset from the stress and pressure I’m feeling at my home university, and also to meet new people in a different environment. I’m hoping it helps me get out of my head a bit, but I’m wondering: do exchange programmes actually help socially when you come back to your home uni, or is it more of a temporary reset? Has anyone been through something similar? I'll be in another country for 5 months. Thanks in advance😊

Hi, I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I'm a uni lecturer and it's quite common for students to feel overwhelmed or stressed at times.

For all sorts of reasons. Erasmus could be a great idea and will give you a break from one another. It also avoids problems about where to live & who to live with at your home uni. I'd say launch yourself into it and have fun! It will be a really short time period so make the most of it.

In terms of how things are at your home uni, keep turning up to lectures, don't skive just to mope about and be on your own. The way your brain knows what sort of person you are and what sort of stuff you do, is by noticing what you do and collecting that evidence. Be someone who goes to lectures and who is confident and friendly. There will be counseling available at your uni if you need it, but I'd say nip this behavior in the bud now.

Courage!

Sounds like Erasmus is a great idea to give you a bit of a reset

Universities have well being teams. It would be worth you reaching out to them and just saying how you feel. Erasmus is a good opportunity but I’m not sure it’s going to sort this issue out but it will provide a break for you.

Also, just to add, even making great friends abroad can add so much to your life here back at home once you return. And remember uni doesn’t last forever, you’ll be done before you know it

I believe that people continue to shift in friendships constantly and that it is always possible to make new connections.

Do you play sport, take part in any hobbies, interests, activities, volunteer, have a part time job? All of these can be places where you build your networks.

Do reach out to your university wellbeing support networks and see what is available. Some of the activities organised by the neurodiverse groups might be of intereat and are often open to those who do not have diagnoses or do not identify as neurodiverse.

5 months away, might help you to develop some ways of making new connections which you can use when you return.

I think university friendships shift and change more than the stereotypical idea that you meet your friends for life in your halls in the first week of university but for some, we have to learn and practice these connection building skills. It might be that you find some study buddies on your course and make other connections through different activities. You may also find it helpful to have some guidance and support to do this. If this is not easy to access at your university, maybe some on line counselling might be helpful.

Hi, OP -

Another academic here. I am very glad you’re doing Erasmus. I was the academic advisor for my School’s worldwide (non EU) exchange for a while and I saw first hand how great it could be.

What’s happened to you isn’t unusual. You can test the waters of your friendships, if you like, by staying in touch while you’re away and showing an interest in your friends. Your choice. Regardless, your time away is perfect for thinking about what new hobbies, clubs, societies, volunteer activities etc you might lime to try when you return. I think it is easier to focus initially on having fun or doing good together with like minded people rather than seeking relationships directly.

I hope you have a wonderful time in Europe.

In terms of asking - do they help when you get back? No - most other students you knew have left. My dd did MFLs and you need friends who are doing 4 year degrees or MFLs to live with in y4. Or, it’s stressful. How will you keep in touch with suitable students? You need to think about it or there’s no housemates in y4. Lecturers don’t know about this as they don’t face it.

Abroad - you might make friends, or not. DD did in Switzerland but not in Italy. Just depends who you meet! However the reset you talk about is not guaranteed at your home university. You will need to work out who your new group will be unless you are ok on your own.

My DD at Lancaster was told that 4th year students returning from their year abroad had priority for uni accommodation because the uni was well aware that organising private housing would be difficult.

@Sweetpeasaremadeforbees Lancaster must have a lot of spare accommodation then. My DD would never ever have gone back into halls. Most unis are full with freshers. I’m amazed Lancaster isn’t. How can they offer this to hundreds of 4th year returners?

Hello OP, taking the opportunity to experience exchange via Erasmus+ is a great idea. Whilst there are absolutely no guarantees to how anything turns out, taking a few calculated risks now may just help you shift your future approach to ‘stuff’.

My DD did her YA in Y3, 6 months and 5 months in 2 different countries. She’s just graduated and returned off 2 x holidays with friendship groups from both, a real mix of students from across the globe, including UK.

Like a PP’s DC, she gained priority campus accommodation as a Y4 returner (not a guarantee). It wasn’t Halls, but apartment units filled with Y4/Y5 mix of all types, including medics, engineers (she was humanities) creating more new friends that she wouldn’t have made without the university grouping them as such.

I don’t know what your university provides in terms of support for returners, but do check this out. If you don’t have already, gain some basic language for your target country/ies and go for it. Like others have said, this is just one small part of your life, it’s in your hands and control to turn things around, you will not be alone in how you feel.

Best of luck!

Friendships can shift very quickly at university as it is a powerful developmental experience at an age where people are able to seize new opportunities and discover things about themselves as never before. Erasmus can be transformative if you embrace meeting lots of people and trying lots of new things.

@ealingwestmum Halls/flats for y4 are very university dependent. Was this Oxbridge? Many universities are full in terms of accommodation and unis that send huge numbers abroad could rarely offer this unless they class y4 as post grad. Undergrad halls and flats are often not available but of course op could check.

Quite @MeetMeOnTheCorner, in the absence of knowing the OP's university, housing demand, course etc etc, these are all things they should check out. The usual advice prevails, approaching returners for feedback, reading YA blogs and so on.

I think that the fact that you have posted yourself @ThatWaryBird (vs a parent on your behalf) indicates that you do not want to continue with the status quo, so maybe you need the impetus of something new to look forward to and focus on. However, you do need to get though Y2 successfully without crashing out so lots for you to think about over the summer, and what you can do differently too to drive some positive change? It must be awful to feel so low.

Re your question - do exchange programmes actually help socially when you come back to your home uni, or is it more of a temporary reset? This is similar to does a degree help with future job prospects? The answer to both is it can, but no guarantees, so be realistic, you will need to drive your outcomes.

Few more things to consider at top of head, there is much admin to get through for the 5 months away.

• Visa applications if not exempt as an EU passport holder
• Check what language exchange is taught in, supplement as appropriate
• Is the exchange-offer dependent on grades for securing spot, these can be limited to handful dependent on partner agreements, top few on cohort etc
• Plan your return accommodation
• Insurance - tied with exchange university or organised separately?
• Exchange accommodation, university or private? (remember many countries students commute/live at home)
• Join everything. From FB groups, IG, Erasmus, accommodation, Society groups. In advance.
• Contact exchange university, through student ambassadors, international student pages - they will have lots of info for exchange students.
• Check modules and access to them for International students - I don't know how academic you are or whether this applies, but don't assume as some are capacity capped, you need to understand their process, all are different

If your exchange is NOT study based, then my apologies. I know nothing about work placement, British Council type arrangements, so just ignore!

Lancaster must have a lot of spare accommodation then.

Yes I think it probably has. There have been two kitchen fires that I know of this year and all the students were apparently just moved to new flats.

Students can apply to stay on campus for their second year if they wish although obviously freshers get priority and obviously some first years will drop out either during the year or at the end of the year which will also free up rooms.

As it happens, the girls that my DD is sharing a house with next year intend to either do placement years or post grad courses so (assuming nothing changes and they don't fall out) they may well choose to rent a 4th year house together.

But I do agree that all Unis will vary. Lancaster made a point of stating their position on the open day so potential students at other Unis should maybe check this themselves.

In fact looking at their website (sad I know), Lancaster guarantee accommodation for students returning from abroad or a placement year provided that the student applies by the stated deadline.

@Sweetpeasaremadeforbees The issue for the Op is to not stay with her current group! We don’t know where she is but this will make a difference.

I'm in Germany.

@ThatWaryBirdSo is any advice here relevant?