Advice for my student child in a difficult shared house

[puddleduck33]

My DC is living in a student house and the relationship between the house mates has turned toxic.

In the first year they lived in Halls of Residence and they all got along great, so decided to get a house together for the second year. All went well for the first few months in their student house, so everyone signed for a second year. Now a few months on, and 2 of the house mates hate each other. One of them is verbally abusive, while the other stirs them up. Everyone is walking on eggshells. My DC spends most of the time elsewhere. My DC is not one of those who have fallen out, but is very stressed living in this environment.

They are all in a contract to July 2027. No-one wants to move out, especially my DC. The problem co-tenants have no other options to leave, no-one else will want them living with them

What advice can I give to help soothe or help exist in this toxic household?

Very difficult one. My daughter had a similar situation in her 2nd year. In the end one of the other tenants started spending significant time at her family home because her father became ill. I don’t know that there’s much to be done, over and above your daughter trying to find someone else to take her tenancy 🤷🏼‍♀️

Navigating difficult interpersonal dynamics is an important life lesson. It is also an opportunity to learn how to bring up and discuss difficult topics.

Perhaps suggest to your son that he and the other non-fighting housemates arrange a house meeting where they all sit and ask what the 2 fighters are going to do about resolving the situation. The situation being that they are causing a bad atmosphere in the house and spoiling the peaceful enjoyment of their home. Their behaviour is unacceptable.

Then the meeting ends and it is up to them what they are going to do to sort it out and to come back to the other housemates with a solution.

(Obviously I just assumed your DC was male!!!)

Apart from these 2 and their need to grow up, the majority of the house isn't involved so just go on as normal. If it's that intense one of them will most likely leave anyway.

All part of the experience of living together, not all get on all the time, rare if it happens.

The contract is irrelevant now as they can give two months notice. If I were your DC I would suggest the housemates getting along find a new house for next year and move on.

Otherwise one of the two needs to move out. I think it's usually reasonably easy to find a new student but may be someone they don't know etc.

Tale as old as time. They either have a house meeting and tell the troublemakers to sort themselves out, ignore everyone and just crack on or look for a room swap/sublet and move out

Speak to uni accomodation department for advice maybe they offer mediation

@puddleduck33 try the SU Advice Centre at their uni, they will offer mediation to resolve.

This is exactly what I was going to say - sort it or stop it.

The contract is now irrelevant, as PP said. My DD was in a house share where one girl was unable to cope with the household dynamics and went home to her parents mid year for several months. When the girl said she wanted to return, the three other housemates agreed that this was untenable and told her she needed to find alternative accommodation. It's not pleasant to do this but houseshares need to work for everyone and if one housemate is putting too much pressure on the others, so be it.

Involve the university, talk to whoever is there to help so for my Dc that was Student Services. This won't be the first time this has happened. Ask their advice and also tell them to look at the Code of Conduct in the Student Handbook on what behaviour is unacceptable.

Once your child has done that they I think they should message the household on the group chat and say that they have been to Student Services about the arguing students. This does let those two know that this isn't a secret within the household but that the university is aware. I think that also helps.

The non-arguing housemates should all have a meeting together to talk about what they think is the way forward in terms of who has to leave etc. Then have a whole house meeting but by then they will have advice from the uni and can point out the behaviour breaking the code of conduct.

There’s nothing you can do., it’s for your daughter and her housemates to work out. Working out how to navigate this sort of situation is an important life lesson anyway, and a common second year uni issue.

Urgh I had this the university were absolutely useless hope they have improved.

We had a last minute addition to our house friend of a friend who was a large aggressive angry man - mature student. It was terrifying for us girls living with him. Fortunately I had a lovely gentle boyfriend with a housemate I was friends with too so I was there most of the time.

Can you say more about the verbal abuse - is it insults, harassment, intimidation, threats, raised voices? Or is it confrontation about cleaning up / house rules. Is someone being abused?

Are the rest of the house scared that the attacker will turn on them??

I would ask ds to get the SU Housing Officer to check their lease, under new rules it may be possible to give notice sooner. This situation happens fairly often.

You are too invested n your child's life. S/he is an adult and will have to sort it out herself. The uni term will be endiing in a few weeks anyway.

Of course they can give notice under the Renters’ Rights Act but they may struggle to find housing starting in September at this late stage.

Oh dear god must we always read this dull, unimaginative, completely pat, non-empathetic response so repeatedly on here?

shoot me.