Anyone else’s DC seem a bit underwhelmed by University open days / offer holder days?

[loopylocks]

DS has always seemed keen to go to Uni. He has been upbeat throughout the application process and very happy to receive the offers he has. All great Russell Group Unis. He didn’t get into Oxbridge which knocked him a bit at the time, but he seems fine about it now.

We’ve been going to Open Days and Offer Holder Days over this period but each time we go he seems a bit flat and underwhelmed. Had this again at Bristol yesterday. Almost like he doesn’t want to go. Maybe he’s just anxious about the prospect of leaving home?

I’ve asked him about it and he says he finds the days tiring.

Is this vaguely normal or should I be concerned / doing anything?!

Depends on your kid really - mine was extremely 'whelmed' by their open day yesterday. Liked that it's quite a small uni and quite small tutor groups and the department has a nice, intimate space and so on.

I do wonder @loopylocks if he is a bit anxious about leaving home. Worth talking to him about it?

If it is that, I think it's worth saying that uni is a great way to try out being somewhere else, but it's not permanent and you can visit home (depending how far away places are). You don't necessarily get many chances like that to try out experiencing a new place.

Pretty certain my DS will be the same. Find it tiring. I think I would be line that too.

Ds was similarly knocked back by not getting an interview from Oxford but we gave him time to ruminate and he now seems to have moved on.

On the way to a recent OHD he opened up about how overwhelming it all feels. He’s not especially worried about the work side of university but more the not knowing anyone and having to plan his meals, laundry etc on top of everything else. After a really good OHD and talking to lots of current students and other offer holders, he seems a lot more relaxed about his plans.

Try to get to the bottom of how your ds is feeling @loopylocks, a good car journey can be ideal for this. If he’s really not sure and he gets the grades this summer he could defer rather than jumping straight in.

I think my experience is a bit unusual. DS refused point blank to go to a single open day, told me he didn't want to go to uni. Next thing I knew he had multiple offers and is now happily into his second year.

I am pretty sure he was terrified of failure and preferred to do it all himself. He downplayed his interest and desire to go to uni, because he did not want to disappoint if it didn't happen.

I wonder if they need to find their place. Has he been to all of this offers yet? DD was equally anxious about getting a Cambridge offer but she absolutely loved Durham and said she would have been happy to go. She is happy at Cambridge now but we all remember the Durham open day fondly. For context she didn't like Bath or Warwick but has friends that are happy there.

It’s tricky and I am sure it really varies by YP and probably by uni.

I recall that DD was so so enthused by her offer holder day at a uni where she loved the dept and the HoD. DS2 was looking in Covid so it was a bit different, but he also really liked the unis at events we did manage to get to (inc the sports facilities at the uni he ended up going to).

The days are tiring tho. And do we or they maybe build it all up so it can seem overwhelming?

Which is he likely to firm? What subject? Does he really love his subject as that is so so crucial to uni success IMHO. Saw it with DD who was a bit meh about one of her A levels but loved her degree.

ETA meant to say yes what @Muchtoomuchtodo says, try and have a chat with him about it and see if there is a reason he can put his finger on. Yesssss car chat is the way (miss those with DS2 since he learned to drive and bought a car)

My DS is like this. We were also at Bristol yesterday and I didn't get any feedback on what his thoughts on it were. He still isnt any nearer making a decision.

Is he a bit worried about the pressure to get in? An Oxbridge rejection (happened to my Dd last yr) can knock their confidence somewhat, and we also had a bit of ‘if it’s not Oxford then what’s the point?’ - but now happily at Durham (along with an awful lot of other Oxbridge rejections) so it was all ok in the end. It could be a bit of that - scared of another ‘failure’, or just a bit tired from all the pressure of Oxbridge application and feeling a little fed up with it all. its a tough time, I found just nodding and being sympathetic to their complaints seemed to do the trick.

My dd is a bit like this …

I honestly think she’s overwhelmed. She didn’t get on the course she wanted, and has been offered two other places…

she didn’t get top pick and I think she’s floundering a bit - not really sure what to do. Sadly any attempt at conversation on it is met with such an argument, so I’m just leaving it for now. They don’t have to make a firm choice till may? By which time she should be done with her level 3 course.

I have decided that I’m just not going to mention anything uni related until the end of Easter (unless she does) and give her time to process

its big choices they have to make

I think this is probably anxiety, overwhelm and fear. My DS behaved frankly oddly at a Bath offer holders day. It's like he clammed up . I think he was intimidated and frightened of the future. It was also busy and loud. The Birmingham offer holder day was chaotic and gave him huge doubts, but he liked the course and campus. Some unis just do these events better than others. I was so worried about him after seeing him at these events but he was fine once he got to uni and just got on with it really.

With our last DC we visited a few universities in February 2020 in Year 11. Then a bit of a hiatus due to Covid and we visited another in July 2022 and finally the university DC firmed (applied during a gap year, grades in hand) in April 2023 for an offer holder event.

I can't say that any of us were very enthusiastic about those events - they were quite overwhelming and unrepresentative of the overall university experience even though they definitely allowed us to exclude some universities on the basis of course content.

I do wonder if these days are actually that helpful. It feels like it's easy to be swayed by random factors like the weather (everywhere looks better on a sunny day and most university campuses look vaguely depressing in the rain) and the people you meet, who you may never see again because they firm somewhere else or miss their grades. The "inspiring" lecturer you hear might not even teach you. Some people seem to get obsessed with accommodation, but whether you like where you live will largely depend on your flatmates, who you can't choose, rather than on whether the kitchens are newly renovated.

I'm just not that convinced that students end up happier where they end up now, with much more info at their fingertips, than 30+ years ago when you decided based on a one pager in a prospectus (still remember sending my postcards requesting them), because there are so many factors they can't control and it's easier to be swayed by "vibes" (we are all guilty of this btw- it's human nature).

It's also pretty obvious that Unis which struggle to fill places will throw more into these events than places which will be rejecting people with one dropped grade on results day, so it's not really comparing like for like.

Possibly "go to the highest ranked Uni that will accept you" isn't a terrible approach.

Understandable! They are contemplating a big, costly change, many immediately after working hard for GCSEs and A levels.

They can easily see it’s not all sunshine and roses.

I think Open Days have their place. My children found them useful as a means to see labs that could not otherwise be accessed, to speak directly to staff and students in the relevant department, and to understand how easy or hard it was to get there by public transport. They understood that Open Days are necessarily a bit artificial and could be crowded and intense, but tried to look through that.

OP, I think the university application process can be overwhelming - fear of the future and fear of not making the grades etc. it’s a big step into adulthood, and I don’t think it’s surprising to feel a bit daunted by it all.

I think Open days can be useful - but often they are busy, overwhelming and tiring.

I haven’t been to any offer holder days, but I’ve been to about 11 open days in the past two years because I took DN as well as my own DC.

One we just upped and left without looking round because DC absolutely hated it.

Three were just a bit underwhelming, and we moved on.

Two they were trying very hard to be positive but then were silent in the car and admitted they hated it - these were the worst because they had really hoped to like them. Luckily we were still in the information gathering stage so those ones just didn’t get applied to - I can imagine it’s very pressured if you feel you’re going to have to pick that one and you just don’t quite feel it.

Four were absolutely loved but ended up being decided against in the end for one reason or another - either the course wasn’t right, or the offer was too high.

DC absolutely loved their eventual top choice at open day. But DN hasn’t even visited his now-front-runner yet. I can’t take him to the offer holder day and nor can his mum or dad, so he’ll have to go alone.

Perhaps making it all seem a bit too real. If he’s got doubts or just not feeling ready I’d encourage a gap year. Just because it’s good on paper doesn’t mean it’s right fit or right time for them.

Unless DC have medical/special needs, I'm a bit flabbergasted that some find these days "tiring" at their age.

I did an Oxford open day with one of my nieces when I was 59. On a day when the temperature was 28C, we covered over 12 miles on foot in visiting a range of colleges as well as the sports centre (niece is a middle distance runner). I was a bit footsore at the end but managed the 200 mile drive back quite easily!

Do they really mean "tiring"? I can understand "overwhelming".

I wasn't worried about readiness during the open day and offer holder day season. But after results - which were very good - DS seemed very anxious. He ended up taking a gap year and applying for a slightly different course. The time doing working and traveling was actually very helpful. I think there was a combo of post A level burnout and needing to step off the treadmill for a bit. He was concerned about being 20 when he started but need not have been as so many of his fellow students seem to be over 20.

It’s quite a big thing to say actually it’s not for me. My dd had a couple that were really good on paper but she knew quickly absolutely not for her. Especially if can’t pinpoint reasons just a gut feel and mum is saying well Bristol is a good uni, great you’ve got an offer. And yp who has been rejected from one is perhaps worried they won’t get offers again.
I’d talk very candidly with them. Late night or car were our best times. It’s not that you haven’t got faith in them but no rush and if they want a year out it’s fine.

My DD knew instantly at one open day she hated the place, so we didn’t even make it to the department. At another the Open day made her realise the place was too quiet even for her. The offer holder day helped her become more assured in her choice of accommodation and gave me time while she was in her department find some more targeted information.
And after an Open day at Lancaster we were both relieved to be spending one more night and needed a nap before going to find dinner. If you are exploring everywhere at a campus Uni it is quite tiring (20,000+ steps and we were staying on campus).

@AllJoyAndNoFun you are sooooo right - all this information and the endless open days people seem to go on doesn't seem to make any meaningful difference to outcome. It reminds me of secondary schools when all the Ofsteds and league tables in the world couldn't measure the most intangible as to whether they gel with their classmates.

OP, I noticed this a bit with recent offers holder day and I think the whole Oxbridge thing plays a part here. Because the vast majority will take the Oxbridge place if it's offered, then it takes away the pressure to make an informed choice. If they don't get in, then they feel they have to critically evaluate the other options in a more forensic way - the accommodation, the course outline, the city, the journey to the city. Of course, if they applied such analysis to Oxbridge, they might never have opted for it but they don't so they're spared the agony of choice. Inevitably they find things wanting when they apply this analysis and can leave them deflated. Again I wonder whether @AllJoyAndNoFun hasn't nailed here - in the same way that most would accept Oxbridge in a knee-jerk way, maybe just go to the best university that's offered you a place.

In addition, the stupid conditional places/pre A level application thing plays a part. One of mine just couldn't engage with university because they were so convinced they were going to fail. It was a completely different process applying with grades in hand.

I can understand your DC finding them tiring - I think they are very tiring! The process can also be confusing with so many choices, and it's a busy time for them anyway with exams approaching.

Encourage him to choose a firm and insurance choice, but try to keep the conversations low key and not too stressful, and remember there are lots of options open to your DC if they decide against these choices at a later date (clearing, taking a gap year etc).

I mean it's all just hype and marketing mine was a bit cynical after the 4th tote bag/water bottle free lunch.
They are quite full on days to be fair.