Does the stress ever end?

[Woollyguru]

Not sure if this is the right topic for this but I feel like I can't take the constant stress that goes with older DC.

After all the stress of uni applications etc last year DS is now at uni and is happy and doing well and I was feeling relatively relaxed.

But now he is applying for internships and I am back to feeling super stressed as it's insanely competitive. It's not really that his future is over if he doesn't get an internship, it's more knowing how disappointed he'll be if he's rejected after all the prep and endless online testing etc. I everyone is in the same boat and he's not entitled to anything but that doesn't relieve the stress and it's something so completely out of your control to help with.

He's just had an interview but thinks he messed it up and it was his absolutely dream company to work for. He didn't realise it was a final interview, probably through having very little experience with multiple interview rounds and not knowing that he should always ask how many interview rounds there would be etc.

I don't know exactly where he thinks he went wrong as he's only sent us a short message but he did so well to get through to the final round and is so disappointed he has probably fluffed it.

I know it's absolutely not the end of the world but I was kind of relaxing feeling he's settled at uni and now the stress has started again and I feel I just can't cope anymore.

Also DD has graduated and is working and they are making redundancies at her place so she's also stressed and I'm also worrying about her.

And this is all after DH was made redundant last year and had a tough job hunt and is now on a contract which might not be renewed later in the year. If he's not renewed we'll be fine financially but it's still a stressful situation.

Years ago when DCs were much younger my lovely elderly neighbor said DCs meant a lifetime of worry and I didn't doubt that but I thought there would be little windows without stress and worry! Silly me.

I know it’s hard but all you can actually do is be there to offer support when they ask for it. Everything your DS has experienced is all part of a learning process and ultimately he has to work it out for himself. With the interviews for example, next time he will know to ask when the final interview is. I prefer to think of it as a lifetime of loving them and being their parent, rather than a lifetime of worry. Your role as they grow older is to be there in the background and let them know they can always come to you if they need it. Try and take a mental step back if you can, as you say it’s not in your control anymore.

I don't think the stress or worry ever ends. My late father would stay up late, and ask me what I'd want for breakfast whenever I stayed over (as a 50 year old). Of course, when I was 18 years old and was out past midnight, I never thought of him worrying...but of course, now that my own 18 year old might be out at university, I'm freaking the hell out over here.

I think the worry of job searches will always be there and because we are biased and know how smart/competent our children are, we might feel affronted that they might not get the job/might be made redundant!

I think you can't do anything beyond offering them support - it could be paying for train fares, or offering to read their CVs or popping up to their university town to surprise them with a hug/meal.

Hopefully he's wrong and he actually did do very well - this is really just the start of their adult growing up time.. perhaps next time he'll know to ask how many interviews they might hold. Also, 'dream companies' are one thing... not sure about you, but I've had many a 'dream company' to work for, or 'dream house' to buy...and I'm quite happy where I am atm... so hopefully he won't fixate too much on it. good luck.

You cannot control any of that . If there’s a certainty it’s that sometimes they will fail, sometimes they will succeed , they will have highs and lows . It’s just a fact of life. I get it. None of us want to see our children unhappy or disappointed that’s why we raise them to be able to deal with things and think for themselves.
You will always worry but try not to over worry. Most things have a solution . There will be other opportunities, we never know where life will take us or them .

@rocketmaaaan thank you and I know you are absolutely right.

I don't know if my stress is possibly made worse because he wants to go into a career I wanted to go into myself when I was a graduate but I'd done the wrong degree and ended up in something else. It was a long time ago and I was happy in the career I ended up in.

He's my youngest and I guess I've always been (overly?) protective over him.

He's not aware of how stressed I get, I always tell him it will all work out for the best in the end even if there are disappointments along the way and I know that to be true from my own experience, but I am a worrier as well which doesn't help.

He's home tomorrow for one night as he has another interview on Friday local to where we live but he's not particularly interested in the role so I'm not stressed and just view it as interview practice. It was today's interview that was the big one.

I always thought that there would be worries but that the worries would change with age until their kids became the person worrying about others (including me) It’s the cost of being a parent who your child will confide in imo. They confide in you because they think that you will provide a listening ear and advice because you’re a good parent who has done the right thing by them.

@MyGreyBiscuit yes I know you are absolutely right. I am sure he has no idea how stressed I am, he doesn't even really tell me about interviews etc, he tells DH and DH tells me so I just wish him good luck if he has something coming up and tell him it's a bit achievment to get to the interview stage. He's going into an extremely competitive field and it's very, very hard to get to the final stages so it's such a shame about this one.

It's definitely a lesson learned to ask how many interview rounds and tbh I thought he would have known to ask as he had an interview a while ago and we told him to ask how many rounds.

@RockyKeen yes there will be other opportunities and I am sure he has learnt from this experience. He's had failures in the past, he didn't get his first choice uni but didn't dwell on it and is doing so well where he is.

I need to accept this is going to be the way things are for the next few years, the graduate job market is brutal which doesn't help at all. I really do feel for today's young people, when I was that age I didn't have a care in the world.

My mum also said ‘you’ll never stop worrying about them’ when I had dc. She was so right.

Your ds has really done amazingly well to get to the stage he’s at with interviews. Mine can’t get past the AI interview unfortunately. The positives are they’re keen and motivated. Hopefully he’s done better than you think but I guess it’s a lesson in resilience - they have to get up, dust themselves off and start again.

Lovely post, wise words.