First year - struggling to make friends

[MooFroo]

DD goes to local uni, RG and doing a Business degree. Majority of the course is overseas students, who tend to stuck together and don’t speak brilliant English. She commutes, has joined a few societies and meeting people that way but they seem to have established friendship groups already. She doesnt drink and hates the clubbing scene so sure thats a big part of it along with the overseas students and her being a commuter.

She has made a couple of light touch friends but not having anything like the experience she hoped for and went to uni for. She really hoped to make some lifelong friends here but has lost faith now that will happen for her - it’s heartbreaking :(

One of her school friends who went away to Uni is going through the same thing - just in different city. She got in through clear ing so accomm was last min, housemates don’t talk to her and it’s a distance away from her campus so she’s hardly going to any lessons !

I do think there are a lot of kids struggling but not enough talking about it because they’re embarrassed. I think 3 years of this is going to kill her self confidence and she is a bright, sociable and confident young woman.

Doesn’t help that the actual course teaching is also rubbish, and she has a terrible timetable with times that change weekly so sometimes goes in for an hour lesson a day.

I’m lost on how to advise her so would appreciate any guidance or feedback.

Unis often have a refreshers week in January with all the societies. Can you go through list together with her and see what might appeal - most aren’t alcohol related. Was she in scouts/guides - uni scout/guiding societies are usually very welcoming. Walking, board games, brunch society, sports, Christian Union there must be something that appeals.
Are their events just for commuters, my dc’s uni has specific events and I think a space with lockers they can use.
The uni also put on lots of random events like crafts and wellness is she going to things. Does she sit on campus in communal areas like student union rather than just going in to lectures and rushing off home.
It sounds like things trickier as she’s commuting and lots of international on course so will need to join more things to cast her net wider.
Part time job or volunteering to make friends.
Also manage expectations, to just socialise not meet lifelong friends.

It’s very hard OP. My child was the same Russell group. 80% international students who seem to stick together and converse in their native languages.

At reading week I had doubts whether they would go back.
I just had to have a hard talk life isn’t a bed of roses, and you have to really really try. I told them to go make eye contact, talk to the person on the bus, smile, just start general chit chat, ask people if they want to do something. Don’t wait to be asked to do things. Be the instigator. People can only say no. I would def recommend a club or a sport.

An example they gave me was -that after a small group were working together they left got into a lift and all the class mates put on head phones and no one spoke. I asked why they didn’t start the conversation, why was it up to everyone else to be social. Someone has to start. Be the starter!!

My hard chat has worked and things are much better. Honestly I feel so sorry for them as the old social skills are dying. Hope things work out and get better

Is this Southampton uni ?

Hello @Christmascaketime it is so tough when one’s young adult children are not finding it easy. My DC1 had a really challenging time in his first term and quite a bit of the second term and he was only in his third term when he started making proper friends and that was at a university with a college system where I would expect it to be much more straightforward.

My DC2 is currently living overseas for her 3rd year (modern foreign language student) and she has found it very very tough and it is really hard to know how to support her. She is beginning to settle now. I too have found it hard knowing they are unhappy.

So you are right, your DD is not alone though that’s not much comfort to you her at the moment. What she’s doing with joining Club et cetera sounds, sometimes taking an organising roles in societies puts one more at the heart of what’s going on.
I like the ideas above around Scout/guides.

Sometimes at this stage resilience is what is required to simply keep on doing what she’s doing. Has she got two or three things each week doing activities she enjoys?

Has she potentially thought of moving into Halls for the rest of her first year and then maybe commuting for the second and third year that would enable her to get to know people through living together with them. I appreciate this might be completely impractical. Or joining clubs that do trips away, walking, mountaineering, choir tours. Building friendships easier when spending lots of time together

I honestly think Uni is nothing like what it used to be. My dd made a good group of four friends for the first year of Uni. Now they have all turned against her due to them not liking her bf and she has ended up with no friends at all and stuck in a flat with said girls who bitch about her and don't speak to her. When she wa sin halls for the first year they were mostly foreign students who didn't speak to each other and one just stole food from the others all the time. It is such a worry. I have other friends whose kids just haven't settled and they've dropped out or moved Uni. My ds is in his third year and really has only made a couple of close friends in the whole three years. Just seems a massive waste for kids who move away to get this whole Uni experience and just end up miserable. I'm encouraging dd to try to transfer back to a Uni nearer home for her final year so she can at least save some money on extortionate rental costs.

@Juja I’m not Op I was just replying with suggestions.
My dc is yr2 and now has a small but nice social group plus others she knows to say hi to. I do think things take time, she’s not living with anyone from her yr1 flat.
Your idea of an away trip is great, mine did a taster trip abroad Easter yr1 and she made friends with the people and now sees them out and about and has been to their flat parties etc.
Is there a social society for her course? Mine knows lots of people through that. Yes some are pub crawl type events or held in pubs but drinking alcohol not compulsory, maybe she’s limiting herself by dismissing some events as not for her.
What does she do in holidays? Mine did camp America and has signed up for 2026. They organised a British staff reunion recently. Living together 24/7 and travelling together is a bonding experience.

my apologies @Christmascaketime - less haste more speed Christmas cake just marzipan- ed today

@MooFroo my post above was some suggestions and support above - sorry for the wrong tagging! Was replying while writing Christmas Cards…

This is a remarkably common experience. My friend’s daughter has moved home to complete her degree. She was at a top London university on a course with under 10% home applicants. The social scene our generation enjoyed there 30 years ago has evaporated. She’s having a much better year this year, but it’s hard making friends when you transfer in your second year.

Thank you so much for the replies everyone, much appreciated.

she is such an amazing character and is an outgoing, leader type which is why I’m so surprised she hasn’t been able to make good friends - although she has said today she is meeting up with two different people during the holidays and has been invited to a birthday party in January so let’s see.

I think you’re very right when you say the whole university experience is very different now two years ago. The learning honestly does not feel relevant in terms of what is needed for current work life - it’s all still very archaic and old-fashioned approaches to learning and studying which just doesn’t work in the modern world.

I have also encouraged her to use this time to look at graduate apprenticeships and normal apprenticeships so if things don’t look better by summer there’s no point of wasting two more years. I’ve seen a huge and very worrying trend of people with degrees and even Masters who keep on studying purely because they can’t find any jobs in their degree specialism, so are doing retail or any job they can find. I know she’ll be amazing in the workplace and be in her element so it’s definitely worth pursuing that as an opportunities as well.

she does spend a lot of time on campus and studies in the library and Social areas including cafés etc so she can meet more people.
she isn’t sporty so hasn’t joined any sports clubs or teams but has put a self forward to be on one of the societies committee so hopefully that will be helpful from next semester in terms of meeting more people.

its definitely not the uni experience she was looking forward to :(

That all sounds very hopeful. I think it is harder for students without a specialist interest. My eldest is a talented musician and has met some nice people through that and Christian Union social events. My second child is a team sports player and moderately musical. This committee sounds like a good bet. And, even if she leaves earlier than other people, she should try the evening social scene.

DS is doing a degree apprenticeship OP and loves it, he really struggles with friendships (ASD) but because there are a small number of apprentices and they are there doing STEM stuff they are on his wavelength and he has made a really nice group of friends with apprentices from the year above and year below as well. He loves his job but finds the computer science uni part (one day a week) a boring waste of time, it's out of date and almost completely irrelevant to his job. He could probably teach himself more useful things in the time TBH.

But his degree is being paid for and he gets paid for work. It's very different from uni in that there's not the free time, long holidays, societies or big nights out drinking - but this suits him much better and hopefully he'll have a job at the end of it.

If DD is thinking of switching to an degree apprenticeship next year then I'd recommend she start looking and applying now. That way she keeps her options open for September. The experience of applying for degree apprenticeship is also great practice for applying for real jobs/internships if she does decide to stick with uni. It definitely helps you to see just how competitive you have to be and realise what a slog applying and jumping through hoops there is to actually get a place. The competitiveness is an eye opener.

TBH I think commuting is always going to be a very different experience to living on campus. I don't think it's ever going to be the same and it's not something I;d ever recommend (not that being on campus always works out perfectly and it is expensive) but i don't think you can beat that first step to independence. Even with DS I encouraged him to move nearer work rather than just commute from home and he absolutely loves living away now. I know a lot of students commute due to cost but i think it's a real shame, all living together is such a big, exciting step. The uni experience has changed so much.

DS didn’t meet his group until February first year when modules changed. His friends are through his course. He met a few of them in the first weeks then they stopped going to lectures and he didn’t see them again until Feb. He didn’t gel with his housemates although they were friendly enough. A lot of groups do start to break down in second term when people have grabbed the first people around them and then worked out they aren’t really suited.

Getting a job on campus eg ticket office, bar etc would be an option if you live out. Otherwise keep going with the societies - volunteering will definitely help. Less sporty outdoor activities like hiking etc can also be good as people have to talk to you when you are on a minibus.

Mine made no friends in the first term and I was beside myself. She started chatting to people on her course in term 2 and is now year 2 and living the best student life. It did take forever but joining clubs and persevering is so worth it

I think that’s good advice about things shifting after Xmas. My dc’s very good friend this year she only met much later in yr1.
Society committee and going to a party sound like positive steps.
If you start anything it takes time to meet people and build relationships.

@cantbearsed27 how did you DS find the recruitment process? I've heard it's brutal for degree apprenticeships. DD is ASD and I'm wondering how she'll cope (she's Y13 at the moment) with interviews and being 'positive and smiley' like you have to be in interviews. She is lovely and sweet kind girl but it's the acting and forced nature of it being positive and smiley, that could be difficult. Did the company take account of the ASD and it wasn't a problem?