How to help DS to stop being hard on himself

[MontyPy]

DS is final year Oxford. Initially wanted to go into IB but wasn’t able to land an internship despite getting close.

He has got a corporate consultancy job paying 45k start next year London but he still feels really down that he could have been earning a lot more if he tried harder.
How do I tell him he’s doing fine and to not be so hard on himself. It’s hard when some peers will be on multiples of his wage.

I think if he’d set his mind on an academic career but not succeeded in getting a funded PhD, then he would feel a loser, but that’s not what he set his mind on. I think the problem is, he views what he has achieved as a consolation prize, it’s not the achievement he set his mind on. He feels he should have tried harder, so is blaming himself for a missed opportunity rather than viewing what he has succeeded in as a better fit.

Squiggly careers (good podcast series too). Very few who start a career route at 21 or 22 are still progressing along a straight line at 30.

Mind you, I still think he needs a good dose of reality regarding salary expectations (Oxbridge grad DD here). Yes, he has potential, but he has no credibility or experience in his field yet.

The OP has framed this as being about what he is going to be earning, though.

Thanks for everyone’s comments.

DS is definitely grateful to have got a good job in this market. I think it’s just about coming to terms with his pre uni realities and what his path looks now.
He did do a few IB spring weeks and tbh I think he didn’t enjoy it. Was just thinking about the earning opportunities.

He can commute to the office too so will be able to save so he’ll be fine.

@MontyPy There are so many avenues he could take in his future career it’s not what you do at 21/22 that defines you or your career. It’s how dc develop at work and are able to grasp opportunities which can include networking. Once you have a foot in the door, many people do work out how to advance in terms of money if they want to.

@GCAcademic - yes, she has, and that is clearly a major motivator for him, to the extent that his aim appears to have been to get the best paid graduate opportunity he could in the corporate world, in which aim he believes he has not succeeded, because he thinks he could have tried harder. That doesn’t automatically mean he looks down on others who had different aims and actually succeeded in achieving those. It also doesn’t mean his aim was a good one, particularly if it meant he lost sight of whether he would enjoy anything much about investment banking besides the pay. His disappointment is a sign of immaturity, but he is only 21/22, so has plenty of time to grow up and develop a more rounded view of what is likely to make him feel worthwhile and fulfilled, and of how to make the most of his personal strengths rather than focusing on what he perceives to be his failures (but which are in fact learning opportunities). That’s my view, anyway!

It's very hard to get an IB internship, I know 2 in Oxford E&M that have at and they were both around 4,000 applicants for 2 places. So incredibly difficult to get even from Oxbridge. Obviously those are incredibly high salaries £30k internship/£250k starting salary but it's a very small minority that get those and they didn't go to the local comp. The job your DS has will already be above the average for an Oxbridge student overall and about average for jobs in finance from Oxford.

It maybe worth continuing to apply if he's not inspired by what he has but he needs to think about more than earnings, would he enjoy the job, how much free time would he get, how much stress. Jobs that require incredibly long hours people often rack up a lot of extra costs, many live 15 mins walk from work and rents will be sky high. Once you have children there's a whole raft more extra costs. So you might get 50 percent more but also spend 50 percent more after tax. I would also say I would prefer a job I enjoy that I feel adds value and provides me with a comfortable lifestyle than to earn crazy amounts but have to do what the firm most wants even if I hate it. Plus firms were everyone works long hours people can get grouchy and you have to be thick skinned. I wouldn't say don't try IB, if it's his dream I would try for it, but he may well find a couple of years is enough. I think if he has a job already he stands a high chance of getting in at some point, he could view the job he has as a stepping stone.

In my day quite a few that didn't get into IB at graduation did accountancy and then went in to IB.

It’s difficult to find a single company paying £250,000 as a starting salary. Generally the reported range is £48,000 - £70,000 plus bonus. These can take salaries to over £85,000 to around £165,000. I have not seen higher salaries for new grads. So there’s possibly a question here about what bonus might he get and what are future earnings likely to be. There’s also the possibility of changing employer at some stage but not everyone can get the top paying roles, even as an Oxbridge grad.

He’s very lucky to secure a paid grad role at a decent salary.

OP, you got good advice. I have a couple of decades of insight into IB and agree that especially the ability to stay calm under pressure / when facing opposition is key. You need to completely rest in yourselves to withstand this.

What’s worth mentioning is that you also need to be able to absorb periods of insecurity when you’ve been let go and need to get back in the saddle quickly. Hiring and firing can happen throughout your career in the city.

45k as a grad is great. My son is an LSE grad and he started on 28k. All his friends out earn him