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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

In bits after dropping DD, I need help but don't know where from?

18 replies

Phunkychicken · 25/09/2025 10:15

Poor DH, In waking up in tears, going to bed in tears and waking multiple times a night in tears.

Took her last weekend, she was v wobbly so we stayed over nearby, she was fine next day when we saw her and is literally flying.

Dropping her older brother off tomorrow for his final year, and whilst I was sad when I dropped him it's not a patch on this. I just missed him, rather than regretting my last 18 years of life choices.

I am grieving, and full of regret for not enjoying the childhood years more. Not looking after money better so we could not e struggling so much now.

My own mum left when I was 3 and I didn't have a great childhood so uni was amazing for me. And I'm sure it'll be amazing for her.

Basically I think all the crap I've kept buried for years is surfacing and I'm really struggling to function, and don't know what kind of help to ask for? I can't afford to pay for any, and my GPs are sick off me due to other health stuff. I also desperately want to keep it from the kids as the last thing I want to do is make them feel burdened, responsible.

OP posts:
PersephoneParlormaid · 25/09/2025 10:16

Empty nest, it’s awful but it will get easier. Are you peri menopause age?

Original poster
Phunkychicken · 25/09/2025 10:26

That's a whole other thread, yes, and they've just reduced my HRT after discovering I've been over fussed for the past two years. Despite two separate urgent cancer referrals for bleeding/womb thickness (I've had 9 ops in the past 18 months for suspected cancer/biopsies etc plus surgery fort malignant melanoma plus treatment for BCC skin cancer).

I think this is part of it, we've missed countless holidays/trips out due to this and now it's too late to make up for it (and we can't afford to even if wanted to)

OP posts:
SilkiePenguin · 25/09/2025 10:35

You can self refer for NHS counselling rather than go via GP (link is on here if click through to local area) and this also has charities that offer free counselling.

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/counselling/

If you are within a year of cancer treatment this charity offers free holidays / days out - you have to apply and they allocate to who they consider the most in need if more than one applicant but you can apply as much as you like. We got given a week in Cornwall by the coast in July when I was doing chemo.

https://somethingtolookforwardto.org.uk/

I can't take HRT and I find exercise helps a lot - swimming, gardening, walking round gardens (going out of season now but mid November Christmas lights gardens will start). Things in the past you can't change its often not worth giving them headspace - find things to improve the future instead.

cmsgilu · 25/09/2025 10:53

I think this is part of it, we've missed countless holidays/trips out due to this and now it's too late to make up for it (and we can't afford to even if wanted to)

You've been through so much but no matter what, you were there for your children. You didn't leave when they were 3. Some of this is stemming from your own mother doing that. You didn't do that. You were always there.

Of course it meant that they didn't get as many holidays or trips out because of health problems and finances but honestly OP, that doesn't matter as much as you think it does. My mam had serious health issues and we weren't able to go on holiday. I went on holiday once with my Dad and that was it. We had some trips out in the car into the countryside but nothing where she had to walk too far or where there were too many people. She couldn't sit in a concert hall and listen to me play in various musical groups. And still, I look back on a happy childhood and I understand why we couldn't do all of those things because the most important thing of all was that my parents loved me and that despite all her health issues my Mam never ever stopped loving me and being there for me and supporting me in whatever way she could.

You are so upset now because it's all coming out, including issues from your own childhood. Now your daughter is safely at university you don't have to hold it together any more and that's why you can't stop crying. You do need counselling and others have suggested how to access that.

murasaki · 25/09/2025 10:57

Does your work have an employee assistance helpline you could contact? They're not just for work issues.

Summerhillsquare · 25/09/2025 11:37

There's always the Samaritans, they are used to the acute misery you are feeling. It will pass though. Do nice things for yourself meantime if you can.

Winglessvulture · 25/09/2025 11:45

Do you or your husband work, and if so do they have an employee assistance program? If so, you might be able to get access to some councilling through that for free. This sounds really tough for you, I hope you can get some support soon.

Original poster
Phunkychicken · 25/09/2025 12:05

Thank you for being kind.

Yes, ironically I work for a uni and spent 10+ in Admissions/Clearing (DD went through Clearing) but they do have an EA program but colleagues have had mixed experiences with them

OP posts:
butidid · 25/09/2025 12:10

Be kind to yourself, let yourself grieve a bit, it is sad and you will miss her but then readjust. It sounds like you've had so much going on. She's not gone forever, she will be back for all those long holidays, why not start thinking about making some plans for then?

Poirot1983 · 25/09/2025 12:11

Oh bless you. I sobbed 3 days in a row when my 18 year old left home to move 5 hours away for work (he doesn’t know about that!). He’s so happy, though, Still have his younger brother at home but possibly he’ll go to uni next year.

They’re not wrong when they say that time flies.

Start making plans for a lovely Christmas, OP.

DierdreDaphne · 25/09/2025 12:20

Please take care of yourself, and please don't feel the gps are aick of you, it sounds as though you have had a lot to contend with lately.

And I really agree with pps who say you have loved your kids actively and wholeheartedly throughout their childhoods and that is what counts. Lots of families are unable to go on holiday and the love between parents and children does not suffer because of this.

And if your financial and health situations do settle, it might reassure you to know that many adult children love going on holiday with their parents (especially of the parents pay of course). We go away with our two every year, we do all sorts of things like kayaking, photography trips etc but the main pleasure is just hanging out - and we have four people to share the driving now as well.

They never really stop being children to their parents I don't think, but as they grow you can add in the pride and awe at their adult achievements.

murasaki · 25/09/2025 12:24

Phunkychicken · 25/09/2025 12:05

Thank you for being kind.

Yes, ironically I work for a uni and spent 10+ in Admissions/Clearing (DD went through Clearing) but they do have an EA program but colleagues have had mixed experiences with them

Ah, I hear you, ex uni worker too. However, there is access to staff counselling too....albeit slow to get. I'd try the EA though, as it's not specifically a work matter you might find it better and easier to open up than they might have done.

fortyfifty · 25/09/2025 17:12

It does sound like there is more going on and some counselling would benefit you if you are able to get some through work. However, it is also normal to feel bereft and soul searching with such a major change occurring. It is such early days and I hope that as time passes you will feel better. Also, if you're not sleeping and still crying you should see your GP.

Sorry you feel you have missed opportunities. Your children might feel differently though. what they consider a good family home life can be quite different from the high expectations we put on ourselves. You have years ahead to enjoy the company of your adult children and often they cherish the simple pleasures when they come home from university or to visit when they have a job.

Original poster
Phunkychicken · 27/09/2025 12:50

Thank you, we dropped DS yesterday and saw DD too as she’s not that far away. She’s so good and having such a great time that I feel a million times better.

poor DS he’s a finalist and in halls that are really dull and quiet (plus tiny room), he was down but pretending not to be when we left. DH then had to do a 4 hour drive when he was upset so we’re tag teaming.

i did contact the GP and they’ve restored me to the higher HRT dose immediately, and I self referred to it taking therapies and have the assessment call on Monday morning (v lucky).

Just feel sorry for DS16 who seems a bit ‘lost’, he and DD get on well and he’s really missing his sparring partner. And he really doesn’t want to spend all his time at home with us (and even watching the golf in case he wants to join in).

Still sad, still missing both of them and realise this is the end of one phase but the beginning of another but also that I can feel sad. And both kids are happy for visits and phone calls so we’ll find a way though.

Thank you all for your kindness, you really helped when I was feeling utterly wretched

OP posts:
murasaki · 27/09/2025 12:56

Good news re the GP and the assessment call. Take care, it will be fine.

CafeDuck · 27/09/2025 12:58

Glad it’s getting better. With mine I was okay once they settled and started enjoying it. It’s a strange time

SilkiePenguin · 27/09/2025 13:17

Glad things are improving and being assessed quickly.

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