What happens if they change their mind about uni?

[AwkwardAnnie]

My DD is having a major wobble about going to uni. Her mental health hasn't been good for years (she's autistic) but she was doing so well. Then over summer she was sexually assaulted. The person will be at uni, but not on her course or in halls.

This course and this uni has been her dream for the last 18 months.

She's got everything set up, DSA equipment has been paid for but not delivered, her loan is arranged, we've bought everything to kit her out and now she's having major doubts.

I was expecting wobbles anyway, they're totally understandable as she's barely been apart from us before but the SA puts a different light on it.

I'm not going to push her either way, because I honestly don't know what would be best. It needs to be her choice.

What I need to know is what are our options?

What happens if she decides to take a year out now?

Also what happens if she goes but then drops out after a few weeks?

Normally if you drop out in the first six weeks you don’t pay course fees.

accommodation is another matter and will vary from university to university but once you start you may have to pay for a year.

if she doesn’t go then she just won’t get the loan so that’s not an issue. If she drops out she won’t get the next instalment but will have a student loan debt of what she received to pay back.

she could ask about deferring for a year? Or is it normal last minute nerves?

Has she reported the SA? It's not right that she lose out while this c person can just carry on in the course. Also maybe if you report it to b the police then you can report it to the University and they can keep an eye out for your DD and an eye on the other person.

She could ask to defer her place, cancel her place then reapply for 2026 if she wants to go elsewhere, go and try but drop out within two weeks to avoid fees (but may still be liable for accommodation cost). Does the uni student support/well being office know her circumstances? Did she follow up the SA with police which may jeopardise the perpetrator’s place?

The uni are fully aware and it's been reported to the police. As far as we're aware he will still be going to uni.
The uni have been really supportive such as offering her counselling and support once she's there and they've said they will put extra measures in to ensure she's safe. I don't think she's at further risk from him, but other people know what happened and have taken sides.

I'd love to think this was normal last minute nerves but due to the situation I think it's a lot more than that. I'm torn as to whether this is the right time for her to go or whether it will set her back massively.

What about deferring for a year? Although it might be a disturbing/difficult change in routine & planning, it would give her more time to prepare socially & mentally, so could be a good thing all round.

It's good that the SA has been reported to the police, but the university cannot do terribly much apart from advising & supporting your DD in terms of avoiding this person & offering her counselling, and other practical support.

He is innocent until proven guilty, and has rights as well - not something I like to have to say, but IME of managing these situations (which are more common than they should be), staff have to be very careful.

Can she not go somewhere else?

Have to say I think this would be a good idea if there is a comparable course. Might depend on the size of the city/uni. Manchester/London if they're on different courses and have different interests it's unlikely they'd bump into each other, though still a risk at freshers fair, if they want to join the same society, student union night?

Does she want to be on edge all the time looking to see if he;s in the bar?

But a smaller university she may well see him just walking around campus a lot.

It sucks though that because of a boy's alleged violence (criminal behaviour), the victim has to change her plans. It really sucks.

Deferring is an option. I think it would be good for her to work on her mental health for a year, gain some life experience so she matures some more, but I also worry putting it off will make it even more difficult.... And potentially she'll never go.

We chose the uni because it's small, in a small city and has amazing wellbeing support. She does not look anywhere near 18 and she's only been into our nearest big city on her own once... and that didn't go smoothly.

The course is also quite niche, offered in the RG unis, but she's hasn't quite got the grades for them (unless she gets good news on a remark, she's 1 point away, but that's the uni subject too.) Not many of the smaller unis offer it so her choices are limited. This one was the closest but it's still 2.5 hours drive away.

She wants to go, but she's also terrified she'll have a breakdown and be so far from home.

Does anyone know what happens with DSA equipment if she defers or has to drop out, take a year out etc?

She's arranged a meeting with the Wellbeing team in a few days to have a chat and see if they can reassure her. I suspect the support she'll get for her mental health will be much better there than what she'll get via the NHS here, but being so far from home with so many new things will be overwhelming anyway.

University wellbeing services are normally great, they have more access to resources, and also are willing to do more adjustments. For autistic students most have extra transition sessions as well, so moving in earlier, making sure they get more through inductions on all services (libary, academic skills or academic mentors as well). What have DSA given her (or planned to give her)?

Has she really only been by herself to another town once? And it didn’t go great? If so then even without the SA I think she is a way away from being ready to move 2.5 hours away to a new city. Well-being and disability services are great but they will not be loco parentis and she will quite possibly go a fair while between people checking in on her. The highest level of support at my uni is 1:1 meeting with academic tutor once a week and 1:1 with a disability mentor once a week. Unless you have other stuff in place there would also be no provision for things like someone going with her to go to the shops or on the bus or anything like that, by living in halls they will assume she’s capable of living independently but it maybe doesn’t sound like is. Is she able to manage her own day to day routine? Does she struggle if this gets disrupted, how flexible is she is for example the kitchen is busy when she wants to prepare her food or people are having a party in there?

Sorry to answer your question - at my institution students are liable for full years accommodation fees from the moment they sign the contract and this is enforced even if they don’t actually ever move in. For the course fees, they can drop out before the third week without cost but after that it’s half fees I believe until the end of the first term and then full fees after that.

She's quite capable but easily overwhelmed. We live in an odd area where it's several small towns close together. She can use the buses to get to the shops and back in our town. College was in the next town (about 20 minutes by bus) so she did that every day. But the nearest big city is a train journey away, not a long train journey, but the city is very overwhelming for her in a sensory way so she's never really wanted to go often. The one time she did go alone was to meet friends to study at the library there. She lost her train ticket for the journey back and then her phone battery died. She didn't know where the ticket office was in the train station, was to overwhelmed to ask and her next plan was to buy a ticket online but couldn't with no phone. In the end she used her free bus pass to catch 2 buses back home as got her that was easier than asking someone where the ticket office was.

She's opted for quiet halls with just 6 people in there. She's a good cook too.

Functionally, she's great. But right now emotionally she's struggling hugely.

DSA have offered a laptop with multiple programmes, as well as weekly check meetings with an academic mentor and a wellbeing mentor.

The wellbeing team have been fabulous already with the support generally but also following the SA. They've said they can offer counselling once she's there. It's just whether going there is the right choice.

Sometimes DSA will give students their own academic skills mentor and a mental health mentor (someone to just talk to about wider life stuff and stress or direct them to services), they should also be able to refer to a university counselling service which may help. Though I agree with you, they won't be as responsive as a school where there's less students etc.

I'd make sure she registers with a new GP and enquires about something like EMDR which can be great after trauma. I'd wait till your meeting with wellbeing/disability services and see if the Leanring Support Plan feels enough support for her to start.

Okay well it's good they've got a support plan ready for her - would it be good to start and see how it goes, the longer she stays and gets used to it, the easier it will likely get.

If she goes make sure she uses the academic mentor, the wellbeing mentor and counselling provisions - she needs to be honest with them and accept their support. She'll also have a personal tutor like every other student, so again that someone she needs to get help from with assignments etc to support her.

Could she come home at weekends? Or could you book an Airbnb for her first month just so you are around (even if you don’t actually see her apart from an occasional checkin)?

Halls can be a combination of overwhelming and quite isolating places. Having regular downtime at home could help her reset herself.

Can HE not go somewhere else?!

I guess the university have to consider him innocent until proven guilty and such are the delays for things to get to court he could have graduated first.

I wouldn’t put her in an environment with a perpetrator.

The priority is always that she needs to feel emotionally and physically safe at all times to emotionally grow - even before this horrific situation.

An investigation and/or trial will take years and will blight her uni experience looking over her shoulder. Others on campus will know.

It’s not fair and it’s not right but she should look elsewhere for this year (if she can absorb the change at this late stage) - or she could defer or reapply there and to other unis so that by this time next year she would have a clearer idea if he was still there or not.

I am so sorry this has happened to your precious child who has enough challenges to overcome each and every day already.