Parents of Durham freshers 2025

[MillicentFaucet]

We've chatted on a different threads over the past few months so do any anxious/excited/slightly overwhelmed parents want to congregate here for Durham chat?
My DS will be starting an MEng next month and has been allocated to Cuths 🐯(but no confirmation of what type of accommodation he has yet).
He's slowly working his way through registration etc and fretting about the important things like what to wear for matriculation <sigh>
How's everyone else getting on?

I wonder if we drove past her @KittyMcKitty was she shaking her pom-poms next to Chad's tree ?
Your DD & the other freps on the Bailey did an excellent job, they really created a fun atmosphere on a quite stressful day

@MillicentFaucetsadly I don’t think she got to have the pom Poms only a clipboard to let people know their rooms.

pleased your move in (Bailey Cuths?) went well - I remember it as being quite overwhelming as well as exciting. Pleased they had good weather for it.

@KittyMcKitty yes he's now living above the Bailey Bar (yikes)
It was a beautiful day but it'll probably be big coat weather by the end of the week

Hope it’s not too noisy! Dd is above the Chads dining hall (facing the cathedral).

DS has matriculation and Freshers formal tomorrow, he's under strict instructions to send pics of him looking snazzy (and change out of his suit before going clubbing)

Well, just had a bit of a despondent DD on the phone. She’s finding it hard to meet people in her college - her room neighbours seem to already know each other and do everything together. She’s actually making friends with people in a neighbouring college, who have seemed much more open to making new friends. I feel so sad for her - colleges are such a big part of Durham life, but she’s already feeling like she’s not part of hers. I’ve encouraged her to try and keep going to college events because there surely must be other people who haven’t come with a ready-made gang!

Hie are the other freshers doing? It sounds like she’s met some lovely people from other colleges, just not her own. (Yet?)

My DD is getting to know a few people in college. She was very touched when she went to a department talk that people had saved her a seat. She actually refused to attend the Matriculation photo, and was in tears to me, but now seems to have perked up.
People might seem like they know each other but only have met a day or two earlier. (She is finding the posh boys a bit off putting - one group were discussing who was poorest, the one with only 3 houses or the one with only 2 cars).

@RayonSunrise Oh that's crap for your DD, I imagine the temptation to drive back up & tell her near neighbours what they're missing must be quite strong 😡
Having the safety blanket of a clique of people you already know is a bit of a double edged sword for Freshers - you don't get to try out new versions of 'you' for a start.
It's such early days and the real stuff hasn't even started yet, college life is only one part of it and the people who have chosen the same course & modules as her are much more likely to be her people.
Hugs to you both

I think that often people don’t know each other. They are all anxious and at this stage cling to people they met a couple of days ago. It can appear like there are strong friendships which aren’t open to newcomers, but remember most people only met each other a couple of days ago…so the friendships aren’t strong and established.

It’s hard but it’s important to be resilient and to keep being friendly and open rather than being deterred or thinking the window for making college friends has closed. It hasn’t and it won’t.

I know done find it easier than others. Some easily feel excluded or unwelcome, but continuing to smile and sit next next people, chat about their course, what they did last night and maybe later ask if they want to have a coffee….without feeling dreadful if it doesn’t progress anywhere, all helps.

It’s such early days. Those people who seem confident and to have loads of friends are as scared as everyone else and finding their way.

I dropped my second year up to Durham today (the house was pretty dreadful but that’s student life). She absolutely loves Durham but found Fresher’s week exhausting, she had tonsillitis and thought she had to find her people immediately. I had a very tearful chat with her at the end of Freshers week, I felt dreadful and concerned. Next time I spoke to her she’d found some people and was throwing herself into student life.

i think she found it easier once the pressure of Freshers ended. There will be lots of people feeling the same way and some hiding it better than others.

It is hard for us parents feeling so far away from them. I hope they all settle in soon.

@RayonSunrisehope your Dd is ok. Mine is in one of the hill colleges and doing ok but hasn’t really ‘bonded’ with anyone yet - early days. I think once lectures start and they can also join clubs etc things will get easier. It’s hard but I’m sure she will be fine!

So sorry to hear this 😢. It's early days yet and Freshers feels so full on. When she starts her course, I'm sure she'll find more friends.

Dd is ok, but absolutely knackered. First formal tonight and her flatmates seem nice. She's WhatsApping regularly, which is great.

Thanks, all. I know she’s jumping to conclusions and needs to meet more people, but she’s shy and her confidence has been knocked by just how thoroughly uninterested her nearest neighbours are in socialising with her. Matriculation does sound like it’s going to be a chore rather than a pleasure. I just keep reminding her that there will be other people walking alone feeling miserable, she needs to fall into step with them and say hi!

It’s so different to my own memories. I was a fresher’s rep decades ago and I remember marshalling my “chicks” so anyone interested in the hall’s club nights had a group to come out with, and so on. I didn’t leave my freshers alone in their rooms!

I’m so sorry your DD is finding it hard to meet people @RayonSunrise

I had a very short chat with my DS yesterday (I would have preferred a longer one!) and like with your DD, some of his flat mates already know each other and have kept themselves to themselves. I understand why they would but it’s makes it hard for others.
You sound like you were a wonderful fresher rep and I wish they had one like you around.

Thanks for sharing @PamandBluebell it gives me some reassurance that my DS will be okay.

@RayonSunrise - is your DD in South? Mine’s in John Snow. I think they’re both liberal arts students, aren’t they? Perhaps we could put them in touch. Sorry if I’m misremembering.

Tbh, DD is very, very independent from us and we’re hearing very little. DD finds intense socialising very stressful after a while so she’s probably also feeling a bit rough but she probably wouldn’t tell us. I’d really like to know more about what’s going on but remember back to when i was at uni centuries ago and contact with parents was pretty limited because it was either a landline call or a letter. So i think i’m having a similar uni parent experience to the one my parents had from a comms perspective.

She‘s in Grey, @Dery - and yes, also in Liberal Arts. She is holding out hope for course mates when classes start!

She had a better day yesterday. It does look like other corridors are friendlier and socialising with each other more readily, so she fell in with some of them during matriculation. She’s feeling quite tired though and hid in her room with a pot noodle rather than brave the dining hall on her own. (I hope that changes pretty soon, the catering package isn’t cheap!)

@RayonSunrise - right, I remember now. I really fancied Grey for DD. She wanted Bailey and catered so JS was way down her list but she got used to the idea. I’ve just found out DD didn’t join her matriculation because she wanted to sleep in. Bit disappointed to hear that but she hates having her photo taken so it will have made sense to her. She’s autistic and does need quite a lot of sleep.

Ah, that’s a shame @Dery- I can understand her needing a break/recharge time, though. DD is not autistic but she’s introverted enough to have needed alone time to recharge, especially when she’s felt like she was making an effort socially and not getting anywhere!

She’s continued to sound perkier and joined a group in the dining hall last night. This is all very positive, though her description of “mystery soup” was a little off-putting. 😅

@RayonSunrise - good to know your daughter’s perking up! But yes, mystery soup - hmmm…

I think DD will become more settled once classes are under way.

I finally had a message off DS this morning, after 2 full days of silence. It’s been so tough to stop myself getting in touch with him but I’d already told him that I’ll leave him to set the amount he wants to be in contact. Why does each day feel like a month!

He sounds a lot brighter than he did earlier in the week. He’s got to know more people and now knows some people in his college who are on the same course as him. We’re FaceTiming later so I’ll have a better idea of how things are going but it’s looking positive.

Ah it's lovely to hear your DD is perking up @RayonSunrise
Like you @Skybluegreen I've been resisting the urge to badger DS, I rang him on Tuesday to make sure he was up early for matriculation and was rewarded with some lovely pics of him & his corridor mates looking snazzy in the cloisters.
It's his birthday next week, he knows there's a load of presents and cards waiting for him (and a new laptop) so he'll definitely want to see us soon haha

@Dery I think I'm getting more info from the various college/department insta accounts than I am from DS!
It's absolutely wild up here today, so tempting to message him & tell him to wear a coat if he goes out tonight 🤐

@MillicentFaucet - DD is very independent and got rather annoyed with how much she had to involve me in the run-up to going so i’m making a point of trying not to ask! However, we spoke for literally about 30 seconds this evening but she was in the middle of filming a Tiktok with someone and sounded happy so i’ll take that.

Tbh, what’s really nagging at me is this: i worked extremely hard for O level and A level and not as hard as i should have at uni and came away with a somewhat disappointing grade which mattered less in early 1990s than it would now. So my main concern is that neither DD repeat that element of my uni experience!

Has anyone else's DC signed up for college parents? I thought it would be quite wholesome and a little bit cringe, but DS met his last night and they took him to a house party then to Klute.
<shocked face>

My dd (3rd year) needed a couple of days in bed to get over the hangover after her first family formal - parents buy all their children’s drinks. It has its wholesome moments and it’s really nice at Chads day when they do things in their families. Dd is close to her extended family (in laws) who are on 4 yr course although her parents left last year. It provided a genuinely family feel with her parents. Dd and her “wife” have got more children this year (as well as the ones from last year).