Massive anxiety about DS1 (ASD) starting uni

[Thaawtsom]

I can't work out if IABU / this is just meno-driven anxiety and/or if I should do something (and if so what). DS1 is just doing A'levels and has chosen as his 1st choice a big city uni that is 4 hours away from us that is prestigious for his chosen course. He was adamant he wanted to be that far away from home (I think he really wants to "start again.") He is ASD and can't cope with neighbours talking outside our house without needing to put on sound cancelling headphones and shut his window. We still need to get through results (and it's not a slam dunk he'll get the grades he needs by any means). We are in the process of getting a formal diagnosis, but has not yet happened (we should have it by September). It makes me sick to think about him going to uni: he can cook (restricted eating, but can cook the things he likes to eat), he can cycle and maintain his bike, he can operate a washing machine, he can tidy up after himself. BUT he doesn't do these things consistently and really struggles with anxiety and procrastination. My instinct is that he needs a year off (he is young for his year) and then to apply to a uni closer to home (there is an excellent one close to us) with his diagnosis in hand from the beginning ... I am holding off talking about any of this until he is through A levels as he has really really struggled with A levels (which is what has triggered getting ASD diagnosed now). I also think that halls would be a disaster for him (messy, noisy, potentially drunk / drug issues) and we have applied for "quiet living" and en suite self-catered (no guarantees we will get it). I guess I'm asking whether it is better to support him in his current chosen path and pick up the pieces if it doesn't work out or really try to influence the outcome from here? I suppose it's a question of "are my fears real enough that as a parent I should step in" or "back off it's his life and you are an unreasonable anxious mother." I realise strangers on the internet can't categorically answer that question, but I would be interested in thoughts and reflections and experiences if any of you have them. Thanks for reading this far!

I agree with this.

If he is almost certainly ASD, have you considered he may also have ADHD (inattentive)? AuDHD is such a common combination and it does mean other strategies (including possibly meds) could help him with his concentration, focus, and getting down to work.

just a thought.

Thanks @abricotine yes, ADHD is also on the radar but the team we are working with has suggested starting with ASC diagnosis, so that's where we are. Appreciate everyone's replies: I am still reading. Feeling much better about it (perhaps also because the anxiety temperature in our house is reducing as exams come to an end and everyone is starting to display a little resilience again). Considering setting up a mentor / coaching arrangement with an ex-tutor to support DS in his first term, at least, to have as a safety net (and a safe adult who is not a parent, but who he knows and trusts). Thanks for all your thoughts.

The tutor sounds like a really good idea - I know friends have had success with ADHD coaches for their uni aged children so definitely could be a valuable support for him, especially someone he already knows and trusts.

DS2 stuck to his guns on local university even though his A level grades gained him entry to further afield more prestigious unis. He didn’t feel he was ready to live independently never mind remotely. He has DSA tutors 2 hours a week but has still struggled with independent study.

You have to be realistic. You DC will not suddenly be NT as a result of going to a distant uni and having to cope. There is a range of possible outcomes but I think the most likely are masking or crashing and burning. A small minority may find their needs are better met. But you have to be led by what they want and be ready to pick up the pieces if their choices don’t work for them.

My son had an ECHP in primary and bespoke package for alternative education in secondary so realise this is not usual.

I say support him with what he feels that he needs at this stage of his life. It might not be plain sailing but chances are he will be OK, and there is support for neurodiverse students at uni if he requests it. Good luck with the exams.