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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Not offered her choice

24 replies

Hammy88 · 09/04/2025 17:59

Advice needed so my daughter wanted to study music been accepted into two but the one she has her heart set on she wasn’t successful. The other two are quite far from home. She suffers with severe anxiety and has done since she was 7. I know I maybe slated in not letting her go so far and she doesn’t want to be that far from us either. So what can we do now. I’m feeling sick to my stomach worrying about it all.

OP posts:
Feelingstrange2 · 09/04/2025 18:05

You might not think this is helpful but you need to be much less anxious and less projecting as that will not make it any easier for your DD. This is not something you should feel sick to your stomach about.

She doesn't have to go anywhere. She can stay home and get a job. It doesn't stop her going in the future and she could even try again for her preferred course next year

LIZS · 09/04/2025 18:22

how many has she applied to? Can she withdraw from the others and go through ucas extra for alternatives?

Hammy88 · 09/04/2025 18:46

LIZS · 09/04/2025 18:22

how many has she applied to? Can she withdraw from the others and go through ucas extra for alternatives?

She applied for 3 uni’s
2 have offered here a place I know she should of applied for 2 more. Not heard of UCAS I think I need to look into that. Thanks

OP posts:
titchy · 09/04/2025 18:48

What was the thinking when she put these two on the list if she didn’t (you didn’t?) want to be so far away?

Is it uni or a conservatoire offer she has? As a pp said, she doesnt have to go. She could try one of the further away ones. She may even flourish there. Or she can turn them down and look closer to home. Or go next year.

This isn’t the disaster you think - encourage her to accept one of the offers, and spend a couple of weekends there. And for goodness sake encourage her, build her confidence. Your attitude won’t be helping at all.

Loopytiles · 09/04/2025 18:49

How far away are the two she has got into? Do those two universities have good pastoral services?

QuillBill · 09/04/2025 18:54

Are you absolutely certain she wouldn’t manage at the other two? She put them so maybe she thinks she would be ok.

it’s perfectly normal to be worried about moving away to university. Maybe her feelings of anxiousness about this are more normal than she perceives them to be.

clary · 09/04/2025 19:24

I agree with others. You worrying is not helpful.

Presumably she was happy with the unis she has offers from - unless these are the only three to offer her course? But that seems unlikely. Can you say which unis? Posters may have useful knowledge about pastoral support.

yy is this a music degree at uni or a conservatoire? If a uni, can she ID some closer and look at UCAS extra or even clearing? Or maybe she could accept the better if her two offers? Or yes, apply again next year with grades in hand? All is not lost.

Hammy88 · 09/04/2025 19:28

London and bath spa

OP posts:
Hammy88 · 09/04/2025 19:31

Loopytiles · 09/04/2025 18:49

How far away are the two she has got into? Do those two universities have good pastoral services?

they do that’s why we choose them
I know all uni have great pastoral care

OP posts:
clary · 09/04/2025 19:39

Hammy88 · 09/04/2025 19:28

London and bath spa

Ah ok, where in London? I think London can be a bit isolated tbh. Friend's DD with some MH issues is at Bath Spa and really liking it.

Where was her dream place? Where might be nearer to you? I assume you are north ish - I don’t know a lot about music courses but is there anything at NTU, Leeds Beckett, Sheffield Hallam? Apols no idea if they do music! But worth her having a look?

Loopytiles · 09/04/2025 19:41

How far are those unis from you?

clary · 09/04/2025 19:42

Hmm some interesting looking courses at Leeds Beckett tho maybe not a classic music degree.

Or BMus st Birmingham City uni? There are options

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 09/04/2025 19:50

They may not be that far away, look up the travel time by train and then tell DD if she calls you, you can be there in so many hours. It could be very reassuring. I was worried about my DD who has anxiety heading up to Scotland. She did end up needing me urgently once, I flew up and was there in 4hrs. Another time she changed her mind about coming home for Christmas in the early evening and we immediately started driving up, stopped to sleep in Edinburgh, and were knocking on her door at 10am the following morning,

So long as you have the logistics of getting there, and she knows you will go if you’re needed in a flash, it will be ok.

oakl79 · 09/04/2025 19:56

If she's too anxious to go this year, she can take a year out, gain some work place experience, work on her music and anxiety, and apply next year. It's not the end of the world although it may feel like it to her at the moment. She's succeeded in two offers which means she's pretty accomplished.

saduncomfortable · 09/04/2025 19:58

Has she applied for disabled students allowance? If she has diagnosed anxiety then apply for it straight away. She should be able to get mentoring / counselling to help her deal with the change. I never expected my autistic daughter to cope with university but she did amazingly due to the help put in place. Also is your daughter on any medication? It may be worth considering if her anxiety is affecting her life negatively. Possibly worth you considering this too?

Guest385 · 09/04/2025 20:01

your DD does have the option of using the two unused spaces now. My child applied late for the 5th slot and got an offer. This was for music too. UCAS shows you which courses are accepting applications still.

Hammy88 · 09/04/2025 20:35

clary · 09/04/2025 19:39

Ah ok, where in London? I think London can be a bit isolated tbh. Friend's DD with some MH issues is at Bath Spa and really liking it.

Where was her dream place? Where might be nearer to you? I assume you are north ish - I don’t know a lot about music courses but is there anything at NTU, Leeds Beckett, Sheffield Hallam? Apols no idea if they do music! But worth her having a look?

Guildford and we are down south she choose bath As the Pastoral was outstanding. It’s hard for them she’s been thru so much 💩 since she was aged 7 it’s taken her a while to get to where she is now and one thing that helped her was music

OP posts:
clary · 09/04/2025 20:58

Oh OK so you are also in the south? So London and Bath are maybe not that far away. Well she can either accept one of those two or look at other courses and apply there – and still accept Bath or London (where in London?)

Loopytiles · 09/04/2025 21:27

It’s easy to get from Guildford to either Bath or London, a DC could even commute daily from home to London.

titchy · 09/04/2025 21:31

Do you mean she has an offer from UoSurrey which is in Guildford, not London, or you live in Guildford? If you’re already in the South it’s difficult to see why you think either of those are a long way away tbh. She can easily travel back if her anxiety is too much. Though I’m beginning to think the anxiety is yours rather than hers.

clary · 09/04/2025 21:59

titchy · 09/04/2025 21:31

Do you mean she has an offer from UoSurrey which is in Guildford, not London, or you live in Guildford? If you’re already in the South it’s difficult to see why you think either of those are a long way away tbh. She can easily travel back if her anxiety is too much. Though I’m beginning to think the anxiety is yours rather than hers.

Yeh it's not clear if the course she really wanted was in Guildford, or if that's the London course? Or if @Hammy88 lives in Guildford?

Either way (and you don't have to tell us tbf) I agree that from somewhere in the London/Surrey area, a uni in London or Guildford or Bath is not that far away. I thought you meant you lived in Leeds or Newcastle.

Gloschick · 09/04/2025 22:26

It can sometimes be helpful to have a bit more distance. I know someone with an anxious DD who comes home every weekend from uni. If she was a bit further away then that might have pushed her to stay there over the weekend and settle more quickly. Bath sounds like a good option.

springbringshope · 09/04/2025 22:31

What uni in Guildford? I only know uni of Surrey.
did you look at Royal Holloway in Egham, Surrey or Brighton or Sussex or Portsmouth? No idea what their pastoral is like. Can you contact other unis now. If they know they will go into clearing they will still accept applications.

CasparBloomberg · 10/04/2025 00:34

Sadly, some responses you’ve received are really quite dismissive of what severe anxiety may mean or how crippling it can be, and especially if it’s something they’ve suffered with since the age of 7. With no understanding of how it affects them, then some of the comments may be quite unfair.

Things we had to think about, which are possibly the things you are also, quite reasonably, worried about.

How stable is their mental health at the moment?
When in an anxiety crisis can/do they initiate getting external help for themselves (or for example do they become non verbal or agoraphobic)?
Can they manage the journey alone on public transport if they need to come home? Some anxiety disorders may mean this isn’t possible. Are you able to get to them easily if required (can you drive, have access to transport)?
Are they currently receiving treatment/CAMHS support (as them changing health authorities may impact this or waiting list positions etc)?
How can the support they need (currently being provided by you, their college, local services) be replicated using other services/providers? There is DSA and PIP to look into as well as pastoral support.

If this is all good, then Bath Spa or a London Uni may be a great option for them.
There is also the possibility of waiting a year and reapplying if there is something that can be done that may make them a more attractive applicant for their preferred local course. Or look at other local providers for similar or subject adjacent options, or consider the OU. Or using the year to develop the skills and strategies for living further away, by deferring entry into a known Uni.
Not all DC are the same, or ready at the same age, or even going through the same things, so they should feel free to do what’s right for them.

Wishing you all the best.

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