Student living with non-student

[Weedkillerworks]

DD has applied to university for Sept 2025 with grades in hand and is awaiting offers.

She wants to go to Manchester Met and seems to have her heart set on moving in with her partner who will be working.

I've nodded along so far as she's still waiting for offers, but it doesn't seem like a workable plan to me.

Cons I've thought of so far:

• will have to be private rented rather than halls
• Non-student in property means paying Council

Tax

• possibly sharing a bedroom means no private space (DD is autistic and possibly ADD)
• if relationship breaks down, what then?

What else is there to consider?

Lack of opportunity/incentive of forming friendships with other uni students.

Lack of incentive on joining uni clubs/societies

Whilst not an issue necessarily if all is going well with the partner, but if they do split, she is going to be all on her own.

Good points, thank you, although she is not usually bothered about making friends. That will isolate her further of anything does happen to the relationship.

I worry about her partner not being in secure work and unable to keep up with rent, plus the problem of finding a landlord who will rent to a student and non-student (no idea if this is true though).

@Weedkillerworks You are very right to be cautious as your daughter will be missing out on many opportunities by taking her boyfriend along with her to university.

My friend has a dc whose boyfriend started at uni while the dc didn't get the grades needed for the course they wanted.

In the first year the bf went into halls and the dc got a couple of jobs and rented a room in a house nearby. The dc then retook a couple of alevels that summer.

For the bf's 2nd year they have rented a place together.
Dc is working low level but relevant to degree they want, and applying for this September.
Council tax is obviously a factor to consider.

Would your dd's partner be willing to rent separately whilst she went into halls for the first year?

My sister ended up getting in too late so had to lodge and it was awful, but then I ended up in student halls with people who hated me so you never know what's going to happen.
Have you tried talking to her about her plan if something does happen between them and they break up?

@Ceramiq Yes, I agree. She finds social stuff difficult already, without isolating herself further. Her autism diagnosis is quite recent so she's still finding her way in terms of what support she needs and how it affects her.

@Chasingsquirrels Thank you, that's helpful. They're a same-sex couple and I worry that the partner wouldn't do very well renting separately, especially in a shared house. DD would suit quiet halls or a studio apartment, really.

It's all academic at present, seeing as she's waiting for offers, but she's really excited at the thought of moving out and I want to plan ahead to avoid any major cock ups.

Thats a good point - I will ask what her plan would be.

Not wanting to be facetious or make light of the question, but this exact situation occurred a few years ago in The Archers (Radio 4 rural soap.)

The older, non-student partner insisted on an expensive flat far from the university.

The student partner was thus isolated from potential friends from the start. Couldn’t / wouldn’t hang out with other students after lectures because boyfriend would feel neglected.

Student never felt able to invite peers over - too far and situation too untypical.

Non-student completely failed to keep up financial obligations leading to huge pressure.

The student had a miserable, lonely student experience, fell behind with work and dropped out of uni.

They both fled back to her family home.

Months later bailiffs turned up there to recover £5k in unpaid rent …

So it didn’t end well. The student found a call centre job for a while and eventually took up a new degree subject at her local uni. The relationship didn’t survive.

Probably not much help but I’d imagine that’s how this situation generally develops.

I think when people are older, doing postgraduate degrees, say, it can work perfectly well. But for a first degree a student really needs to be fully immersed amongst their peers to get the most out of being a student.

@ColdHenrietta Well thank heavens the Archers have covered this for me! Absolutely brilliant.

Not sure DD will have much truck with the Ambridge cautionary tale but it is very helpful for me - I can easily see that happening.

I am going to have to tread carefully, sow a few seeds and do a lot of hoping sense eventually be seen.

I don't think their respective sex is relevant?
In my friends case the dc renting a room in a shared house is female.

You say grades in hand, are they both older (20s) or is it a year out situation so your dd is 19ish?

I remember my friend being concerned about her dd going and I said something along the lines of if I was the bf's mum I'd also be concerned about her dc "tagging along" (I didn't use those words but that's the gist) and that it was good that he was going into halls for the 1st year.

I'd definitely chat though the issues that would arise if they broke up, the benefits of halls (although there are cons as well), perhaps convenience of halls to uni for both lectures and extracurricular, meeting and being able to study with fellow students etc.

At the end of the day though, they have to make their own minds up and live their own lives.

@Chasingsquirrels Yes, she's almost 19.

And yes, it is her life and she will make her own decisions. She agrees she needs extra support, which is good. As a parent, you just want to help them avoid jumping off a cliff with nothing to cushion the fall, I guess.

I see a lot of little chats in my future.

Just to give a different perspective. I'm autistic and halls would be hell for me. When I did uni I rented privately. I couldn't cope with all the social stuff either so wasn't missing out in that sense. if you dd could then that's different

For council tax the bf can get the 25% discount as students not liable. She shouldn't have to pay he should cover that

@Burntt Thank you, that is very relevant.

I've always thought she would find halls hell, although I know there are 'quiet' halls these days.

I think, like you, she isn't that bothered about the social side. But I suppose I think it would be good to have the choice.

I have an autistic son too and I know he struggles to plan ahead and see different sides of things, that's why I thought it might be a good idea just to ask if she has thought about it or has a plan as she might not have even thought about the fact that they could break up.

I know when I was in uni (a long time ago lol) there were usually rooms being advertised all year around so she probably would be able to find somewhere else, but it would be a big upheaval for her.

Has the partner already got a job in Manchester?
Is the job sufficient to cover their share of rent/bills/food etc?
Student loan doesn't go far....

Yes, there are quiet halls.

I don’t want to lecture but there’s a lot more to ‘the social side’ than just getting drunk and partying. Students learn as much from each other as they do from their academic course and tutors. For most it will be their first experience of close interaction with people with entirely different home lives, cultural backgrounds, educational experience, understanding of money, food, fun …

One throwaway comment on the way back from a lecture may clarify something you’ve struggled to grasp for weeks. A chat in a shared kitchen may lead to the discovery of a shared interest that becomes - I dunno - Facebook, or a play that goes to Edinburgh and then tours the world. Or simply the reassurance that there is actually one nice person in the Student Services office. You won’t get any of that if half your mind is always on your non-student partner.

This is all really helpful, thank you everyone.

I think actually that last point is the one that would bother me most - if you’re there with a non-student partner you’re far less likely to reach out and seek reassurance, advice, help from all the formal and informal sources available, and instead filter all difficulty through them. You might as well be at uni with your parent.

Have they been with their partner for a while? If the relationship is healthy then the reassurance and support from a familiar person could very well be what they need to succeed when living away from home for the first time. Living alone in a studio isn't necessarily going to make someone more social, they'd likely just want to spend time with their partner if they're autistic with a smaller social battery.

If they'd do well in a studio then it's good to keep it in mind as a backup plan, so it's no surprise to anyone if it becomes clear it'd be a better choice. The difficult part might be finances. If they're renting a one bed, can the working partner have it in their name with the agreement that your DD may have to move out into a studio if things aren't working out?

With a diagnosis, it’s straightforward at most unis to get suitable accommodation.

you can ask for all sorts

en-suite
quiet
teetotal
lgbtq
small place with few flatmates
conveniently located for where she will need to go
some places even have small double beds so her gf could stay over - obviously you can’t put that as a requirement, but you could potentially get it.

how serious is the relationship? It seems quite risky to shack up with a partner as a first year student and have the relationship potentially end. Especially when ND meaning her own space may be preferred.

@ColdHenrietta @emanresu24
Thank you - you are really helping me clarify my thoughts on this.

The relationship is a year old. Without going into too many details, I do worry about the resilience of DD's partner. DD is the supportive one, so what happens when she needs support? (rhetorical)

Thank you @aei22 I didn't know about the housing types.

They do try and spend every moment together, so I guess it's as serious as a relationship can be at 18. But we all know life throws curve balls.

DD is the supportive one

Nah …

I’ve just been turning over in my mind the fact that being an undergraduate is the one time when one can afford to be almost entirely selfish and concentrate on your own individual growth. You just don’t need baggage. You certainly don’t need to be spending any significant time with a perhaps needy, non-student partner.

University life is surprising. Undergraduates change through the experience. Quiet ones become party animals, wild children find themselves sitting up all night in the library. A dozen when are you coming home? texts while you’re trying out your evolving new self would be so, so limiting …

@ColdHenrietta You're right

Isn’t this her decision?

Going against the grain here. There’s quite a lot of pressure to immediately find your tribe in halls and then find a place to all live together the following year. People start looking for a house for the next academic year as early as November. If she doesn’t find friends to do this with, then what for the next years? Private halls? These are expensive in Manchester. Not sure it’s possible to stay in university halls past fresher year, but everybody else will be freshers in uni halls anyway. So that might not be very nice in second and third year.

Also people are messy in halls. You never know who your flatmates will be. I had three boys. I couldn’t wait to get out of there.