university help

[ForTealViewer]

Hi,

I’m writing on here because I need some opinions from mothers.

I (21f), have severely messed up with university. I attended one in Sep 2022 (aged 18), disliked the course, and so left in Dec 2022 to avoid wasting a whole year of uni.

I tried again in Sep 2023, had a really successful first year, achieved top of the year, had internship opportunities, really good friends. Got into second year, and have had a total breakdown and crashed and everything just fell apart.

I’m currently on ‘interruption’ after suffering so very severely with my mental health (attempted). I’ve lost all passion for my subject and studies, as it’s just been filled with so much anxiety which has now spiralled into a depression. It all just feels like it is not worth it.

My relationship with my mother is very difficult, she suffers/ed from psychotic depression and so it has been awful. To make matters worse, I’ve lost friends on the course, my housemates, and have lost a lovely boyfriend over this. I feel at such a despair.

I would feel like such a failure for not having a degree, and having wasted thousands on rent (paid for out of my own pocket), loans etc, but I genuinely don’t know if I have any passion for a subject or any fight in me to actually go back.

I feel like I rushed into a degree in order to get out of the environment I was living in at home. But now I have run out of funding and cannot change courses or anything.

I’m sorry for asking for advice from mothers, I just feel like I can’t really go to my own mother for advice x

Hi @ForTealViewer I am a mother of four adult children all of whom are at or graduated from university and I am a Professor so deal with lots of students on a day today basis and see it from both sides.

Please get rid of any feelings of failure - university isn't for everyone and it is a great shame that it was built up to be something most should do. Just going for the sake of it or because you feel you should or because you don't know what else to do can often result in a lack of interest in the subject. You need to go either because you have a great passion for the subject or because it is the route into the career you want. I went as a mature student and did it because the subject was my hobby anyway so it was a joy to learn and study and never ever a chore.

I would suggest you book an appointment with your student support officer or your personal tutor and go and find out what your options are and if you could perhaps change onto a degree you really want to do. University's don't want students to drop out at this stage - particularly excellent ones like you - so they may be sympathetic.

If you decide you don't want to continue now, apart from the money you haven't really lost anything and can go back to study at any time in there future.

Many universities are now putting degrees almost entirely online along the lines of the OU but using the much improved digital platforms - Birmingham and Reading do them I believe - so that might be an option. And would not require you to live in.

Companies like Future learn let you study short modules run by university staff which gives you the opportunity to explore loads of subjects you might not otherwise know about.

I do see increasing anxiety and stress amongst students now and it such a shame - from my viewpoint it is rarely justified (easy for me to say I know!) as, like you, they are doing perfectly fine academically and I do so wish they could just relax a bit and enjoy what they are doing and their time at university. I have made every sure my own children don't hang so much on exam success since year 6 SATS, you can always retake, and encourage them to take some risks and have fun.

Chin up love - all is never lost you know. 😊

I agree. I definitely think that studying when you're a bit older is the way forward... I was a 'mature' student myself (28) and my bf has just graduated at the age of 48.
Granted we didn't have the full 'student in halls getting lashed each night' experience that the younger ones might have but we definitely seemed to get more enjoyment from the course.

My eldest put a massive amount of pressure on themself and started having panic attacks and meltdowns at uni but they struggled through and came out with a first.

My next one is taking a gap year and am not completely sure that uni is for them but they are keen to have the student experience of going to a uni with a great nightlife 🙄

My youngest won't go. They're not academic at all, so will go a different route.

Everyone is different. You need to do what will make you happy. Do you need a degree for your chosen career?
(If you have a chosen career, I didn't till I was mid to late 30s!)

Life is short, try and enjoy it doing things to please yourself. Ultimately your mum will want you to be happy. I think sometimes as parents we just want kids to do as we want as we know which is the best path based on our own experience of life but you are your own person so probably need to make your own mistakes and decisions.

How are you doing OP?

The most important thing is you are happy and well. If you suffer from what could be bi polar you need to put your MH first. You can get meds to help you even out the highs and lows. Think of a career that would make you really happy to get up to each morning. Then think what do I need to achieve that. Sometimes getting a degree is not what is needed. I know a young woman who went into medicine because she always had such high grades at school. Her parents encouraged and expected it. She got very high results for the first 2 1/2 years then burned out. She ended up leaving. She got a business start up loan and she's now running her own coffee shop, employing 2 members of staff and loving her business and being her own boss. She's earning enough to put money away towards a deposit on to a second coffee shop. She told me she never really wanted to go to uni in the first place but felt pressured to go. Now she feels a huge sense of achievement. She's really happy even though she sometimes works longer hours. You put yourself and your own happiness first. This is your life. Don't worry about what others say or think. If they pass comments tell them they have their own lives to focus on and you're in charge of your life. If your Mum is toxic try to keep your distance to preserve your own MH. Never be afraid to go to your GP and ask for help, that's what they are there for.