Dd struggling at uni

[Lana35]

She’s actually confident if you didn’t know her but all through school she was practically silent in school. She really blossomed after school when she went to college but speaking publicly is an issue.
she’s now at uni and altough she loves the lectures she has been struggling with the seminars. It’s only about 20 people in a small room. Her tutor spoke to her and I got her to email her again to tell her she is still struggling and it transpire she is so anxious that she has turned off notifications from her email and can’t open them.
she just called me crying as she is so nervous going tomorrow. I’m wondering what can I do to help,
I offered to go up and see the tutor with her but apparently that’s a terrible idea as parents don’t do that at university.
aside from encouraging mindfullness and sleep hygiene I’m at a loss! Has anyone else child struggled and what did you do to help.

Tell her to contact student support. There's usually good counselling facilities for students.

You could contact the Head of Dept and have a word with them. I know lots will think at this age your DD should be independent, sorting her own issues out. But to me she sounds 'stuck' and needs some help for her to get a plan together and support to move forward.

All you can do is give a motivational speech, you can do it, that sort of thing

The university will have a welfare team who will be used to this kind of issue. The contact details will be on the university website. Your daughter can contact them and ask for some support. Often there's an option to phone or email. They may be able to set up adjustments on the grounds of her anxiety e.g. not to have to speak in seminars, but it will depend on the exact details of the course etc.

A university is not going to talk to the parent. Students are considered adults

Does she have a personal tutor? They would usually be the first person to talk to. Otherwise there will be a student well-being service.

Parents do help when an adult dc at university needs it. It's awful that this has a stigma attached. I have permission from my DS's university to know anything/be contacted/make contact etc. Your DD can give permission for you to be involved and it sounds like you should be involved. Anxiety is a perfectly legitimate reason.

A few times my college kids did their presentation to me on the phone or online just to get used to hearing their own voice and an opportunity to practice in front of someone. Mostly l had no idea what they were talking about but that didn't matter.
My dd told me some of her mates were crying etc before presentation so college are familiar with this so as suggested encourage her to seek help from the support team. Don't over react yourself ..stay calm saying l'm sure this is common so where can you get help?

They will listen to the parent/carers concern.

They can therefore direct to get support into action/ask the welfare teams etc. Kerp an eye on the student.

They will not break student confidentiality.

Thanks all. Student services is a good idea. i will try and chat to her about that.
I think she’s got herself in a bit of a tizzy as she’s been at home for a few weeks so you get out of the habit of lectures and seminars.
thanks all your your advice xxx

Hi OP, I am a uni lecturer and I have seen parents and students together, if the student has asked for that. I would focus my support on the student though in case of a bossy parent (you don’t sound bossy - just concerned). I have also supported students who’ve come to me with anxiety about presenting, it’s very common. I agree that the wellbeing support is important too. Out subject places a lot of emphasis on pastoral support though - tutors may not have such a personal relationship with students on every course particularly if there is a very large cohort. Good luck, I also have a child at uni with anxiety!

What she needs to understand is that her uni want her to succeed and so there are supports in place for her but she needs to access them. She should have a personal tutor and student support can help too.

She will not be the only student who struggles with the presentation and public speaking aspect. It is speaking aloud in the seminars or is it presenting?

Hi, OP -

Like @marthasmum I have met with personal tutees with their parents. In both cases it was mums and daughters and in spite of my trepidation about the set up, it went really well.

But my first question is, can you persuade DD to turn het notifications on and get her email working again? I think she will be relieved if she does, as she won’t be worried about missing stuff.

Contacting Head of School isn’t quite right as undergraduates aren’t their lookout. If you are seriously concerned you can contact the Director of Undergraduate Studies or Student Support Officer, or DD’s Personal Tutor. They can’t share with you without her permission, but they can listen.

However what you’ve described to us doesn’t seem to rise to that level. It sounds more like DD has generic anxiety. That’s miserable and I am not minimising it, but if she can lead on the solution it will help her. I would encourage her to talk eith her PT and/or Student Support as a first step.

If her sleep and/or health are affected, a GP appt is also a good idea. A good GP will probe when a student presents with sleep issues. Best wishes to DD

I phoned the uni student welfare team for DC2 because they weee crying down the phone to me about how much they were struggling. The welfare team contacted DC2.

Any chance your DD may be autistic or have ADHD? I never would have thought this the case even a couple of years ago but DC2 got diagnosed with ADHD at 20 and dyslexia at 18 (after A-Levels). The psychiatrist who did the ADHD assessment said DC2 is probably also autistic.

I have a daughter with diagnosed adhd and suspected autism and I wondered the same

PS By using the phrase ‘generic anxiety’ I wasn’t minimising the situation, OP. It can be serious and can definitely require intervention. As PP have said, it can co-exist with other diagnoses.

It’s just that a parent would typically contact the DUS when concerned that their DC required a well being check, possible medical intervention, etc. From your description DD does not sound to be at that level of crisis.

Parents have contacted me as PT short of that level of emergency. I make it clear that I can’t respond, only their DC can, but I will meet with the tutee about the concern. (The concern has usually been warranted, if occasionally a bit overblown. No student has seemed to mind, judging by their subsequent attitude to me.)

Have you discussed with her what exactly she’s anxious about? Is it making a fool of herself, is it she’s struggling with the work and is embarrassed , is it that she doesn’t have any friends in her tutorial group etc? Identifying what “ it” is might help you both identify some coping mechanisms for her

Thanks all. She tried to get to lecture today. Before Christmas she would go to lectures and not seminars and today she couldn’t do either.
I spoke to her and decided on tiny steps. She’s emailed her tutor and has promised she will look at the replies.
she gave me permission to contact student services and there was a referral form so we did that.
aldo she has signed up to the doctors and is going to get an appointment.
She was very anxious at school and really struggled with all public speaking and her English oral GCSE had to be done with both her and the teacher sitting with their backs up each other.
It has been mentioned before about ADHD and I do sometimes wonder if she does.