I don’t know how much to push DD

[CooksDryMeasure]

DH and I both grew up expecting to go university, it was just taken for granted that would be the next step. The only question was whether to take a gap year or not.

DC1 is in Y12 & for the last few years has said she isn’t sure about going to uni. She has struggled socially & been very preoccupied by a bad relationship which I think is part of it. There has been anxiety and self harm. I’ve been trying to be open to this, after all with the new debt levels maybe my sort of experience (Eng Lit at an RG uni) isn’t really worth it?

DD is bright, could be expecting straight As if she pushed herself I think, but probably will be As and Bs. she doesn’t really have an alternative plan, has vaguely mentioned apprenticeships. It is still early days, first half term of Y12.

I don’t know whether university is best or not, whether to push her or step back… I think my fear is that without university, how will she widen her world & challenge herself?

interested to hear thoughts.

Apprenticeships are increasingly popular and relevant, Let her take a year out if needs be. Uni will still be there if she wants it.

My advice would be not to push university but to say you can't stay at home and do nothing. So apprenticeship, university or even minimum wage job all equally acceptable. Say what your expectations for financial contributions would be if she stays at home and is earning.

Let her work it out for herself. I know someone who just needed a break from education for a few years. Worked and is now finishing a degree.

She will probably realise if she does take a minimum wage job that she doesn't want to do that for the rest of her life, but it is important for you to let her find her own feed. Be there for moral support and as a sounding board but don't push as it is likely to be counter-productive.

find her own feet

She’s only about six weeks into her studies. Leave it be, with the caveat that you expect her to take up any opportunities school throws her way (visits, careers fairs, shadowing, work exp) and pick it back up in summer term when school starts talking about it.
If you push her now she might totally freeze and that’s no good - some students just need a little bit longer to visualise it all.

Set out the options & then step back and let her decide for herself. She isn't going to enjoy university if her heart isn't in it xx

I would advise being as open about all options and the fact that maybe she will want a break after A levels before she decides. My DD always knew she wanted Uni (doing Eng Lit) but has suffered with MH, waiting on an ASD referral and so we looked at Uni's closer to home - she lives away but is only 30' by train & loving it. My DS year13 has no real idea what he wants to do apart from having the option of a gap year. So we'll just wait & see. I think it's hard for young people these days as the world of work is changing so fast with technology etc.

https://www.whatcareerlive.co.uk/events/london/
https://festivalofapprenticeships.com/

I'd look out for career fairs like these and prompt her to start thinking.

I wouldn't push university. Instead, I would say she need a plan. She needs to find out what jobs she looking for.

Let her find her feet. A few of my daughter’s friends completed a year (or even 2 ) out and now at uni. Others felt forced and dropped out, two of them got apprenticeships and living life!

Guidance is and providing the options is all us parents can do! And keeping the doors open !

University can be very stressful and is not always great for people with mh problems.

In your shoes I'd be suggesting a gap year and then see what happens.

If she's thinking about apprenticeships then it's worth making sure she's competitive now - there is often a lot of competition for them. It might take her focus off her boyfriend too. It would be really helpful to have relevant experience, experience of being part of a team, a leader, a self starter, voluntary work - anything like that. She will need to fill a CV and convince someone that she really wants this apprenticeship.

Of course she also needs to decide what she'd like an apprenticeship in and do some research into the companies that offer that. She need to look out for opportunities from early in Yr 13 and it's worth applying to quite a number to gain experience in the process and give yourself more of a chance. The Student Room can be really useful to do some research on.

Does she have a part time job? If not, help her to apply for them until she gets one.

I think experiencing the world of work is great for clarifying whether a teen wants to work from 18 onwards (whether as an apprentice or in any full time job) or extend their education (potentially alongside work).

Not everyone is suited to university, but by the time they're 18 it's up to them.

She could potentially get a part time job and summer job after A levels and then pay for herself to travel whilst she decides the next path of her life to take, there's just not one route for everyone, but work experience gives them more options.

She does have a part time job, currently she waitresses at weddings & cleans holiday lets & but she is going to do her lifeguard training so she’ll be picking up casual shifts at the leisure centre after that as well…

I guess she will do a lot of maturing & thinking over the next year too.

You don't push at all. You have ongoing relaxed discussions about what she may want to do and what she needs to do to achieve that and what you can do to support.

It is absolutely possible to have a good career without a degree. My eldest DD was academically able (she got A*AB at A Level) but was never interested in going to uni. She did a marketing apprenticeship with a local firm after A levels, worked in recruitment for a while and is now an internal comms manager with a large firm. She earns a good salary and has never felt she has been held back by not being a graduate. I know other young adults who went straight into work after school and have also done well. They have no student loans to pay and always have the option of taking a degree later if they want to. DD2 and DD3 both chose the uni route and it was right for them, but it definitely isn't the best choice for everyone.

I agree in context of anxiety and self harm, I think working two PT jobs plus getting As and Bs she is likely pushing as hard as she can so please do not push her more.

Maybe she is pushing too much already. If you want her to get straight As, the PT work will need to reduce. Degree apprenticeships are very competitive and there are fewer of them than there are Uni places, so apprenticeships are certainly not for the less academically gifted.

On a side note, she doesn’t need a plan yet. There is nothing wrong with balancing MH and progress so you’re on a slower arc to independent living. I would keep discussions relaxed and supportive.

There's so many online posts at the moment from parents of kids at uni who are struggling/dropping out that I wouldn't be pushing it at all unless she was in a good headspace and really wanting to go.

Personally I had a dc who was exceptionally bright, went to a top uni and dropped out at Christmas. He signed up with a temping agency and worked for a few months before going travelling for a couple of months before going to a different uni a year later.

The difference was remarkable - he'd worked in half a dozen different environments with all sorts of people, and matured massively.

As long as she doesn't think she can float about at home doing nothing, I'd encourage her to look at lots of other options - going to uni later when you're emotionally ready for it can be a big advantage.

I think plan for uni in general, thinking about courses and careers, but definitely encourage a gap year. She needs a clean break from the relationship that's dragging her down and I'd worry that the less she has in her life, the more space he'll take up.

Bear in mind that apprenticeships can be at various levels. Degree apprenticeships are very competitive, but lower level apprenticeships not so much. My DD regarded the college part of her apprenticeship as a complete waste of time (I think it might have been Level 3?), but it allowed her to get her toe in the door of a firm and show them what she could do. A year later she was on the same scheme as their graduate entrants.

My DD started Y12 adamant she wasn’t going to university. She had no clue as to what she wanted to do career wise and not sure what to do post A Levels. She met with the school careers advisor and realised that an apprenticeship or degree apprenticeship wasn’t an option due to the subjects/areas she was enjoying and good at. Fast forward to Spring term of Y12 and she decided she loved Sociology so much, she wanted to study for a degree. Researched courses, picked some universities and we all went to some open days. UCAS submitted a week ago and two offers back already. She is now focused on getting the grades to pursue that path. We didn’t push but did make clear that, if she stayed at home, she would need a job, any job until she settled on a path to follow. Your daughter will work it out. Offer support but also set some expectations. Good luck.

She could defer entry to give her an extra year to mature and/or opt for a university close to home and commute in for that additional security and support.

'She's bright' wouldn't we always say this about our children?

It is up to her

Would we? All my children are shining stars, but some of them might be more suited to an academic path in life & therefore have different choices to make at this stage. Don’t know, this one is my eldest!

I don’t feel that I had good careers advice, although probably it was there & I just didn’t listen! I want her to be more informed with her choices but struggle to do that without feeling directive.

offer to pay for a psychologist re her anxiety and absolutely don’t push her academically at all as it could easily backfire and make her anxiety worse.One part time paid job is enough. (My dd insisted on doing two for a while so I know they don’t always take advice at this age!) Encourage her to pursue a hobby. Important for you and dh to appear chilled on the surface as kids pick up on parental anxiety and expectations even if it is well intentioned caring about their future. Check that she is happy at the current school and move her if not. Maybe take her to a careers fair but other than that tell her you don’t mind if she doesn’t want to go to uni. If the pressure is off she will be able to concentrate on her A levels without worrying about particular grades and once she gets her results she can decide on the next step. A lot of young people especially girls struggle with mh at this age and then blossom a few years down the line when A level pressure is out the way.

I would use this year to explore options and let her think out of the box. She may feel differently when her friends start talking about uni. If she is unsure I would get her to apply with the understanding that she can defer. The time between applying and actually going is huge and it will give her options and the ability to change her mind. It is much easier to apply with school support.