DD not enjoying uni

[radiator2]

Hi all,
DD moved to uni around a month ago, it’s not been completely awful but she’s simply not enjoying it. She’s mad a couple of friends but that’s it really. Her flatmates aren’t great, there’s been a few arguments and she feels uncomfortable in the flat. She’s not completely miserable but she’s not happy. I really don’t know what can be done to improve things a little. There’s also the stress of a house next year. She’s struggling to keep up with the amount of work for her course and juggle day to day responsibilities like shopping, washing clothes etc. She so desperately wanted to love uni but it’s not what she expected at all. Anyone else’s DC not thriving right now? Feel like all my friends DCs are having the time of their lives

Sorry to hear that. It’s good that she can confide in you.

A few thoughts from me:

Feeling uncomfortable in your own home will make every day feel rubbish. Often there is a bit of moving round at this stage, as some students don’t turn up and others don’t gel with their flatmates. Can she contact student services and see if she can find a better fit in another flat? Clubs and societies are good for making like-minded friends.

Work pressures. How well is she organising her time? Some courses have very high contact hours, but many others don’t and the work can be done if the student has sufficient discipline in their study habits. Perhaps you could have a look at her timetable with her (over Zoom!) and see if she can improve her use of time. If the work feels too hard, has she spoken to her tutor? Early communication of any problems is far preferable to suffering in silence and letting them become overwhelming.

Laundry and shopping are just part of growing up, I’m afraid! Most universities now will have very accessible wellbeing services which she should not be afraid of contacting. It’s early days, and with your support there’s no reason to think this situation is irretrievable.

It's very early days OP. I know lots of people who were homesick or lonely in the first term of uni but ended up loving it. Hopefully your DD will be the same. I second the pp's suggestion of meeting like minded people by joining clubs and societies.

It's early days still. I think they can set themselves up with too high expectations. It's not unusual to find all of it hard and not all fun when embarking in such a huge change. Try to remind her how far she has come already. Reinforce her small successes which she might not see as successes. Visit her if you can. Does she like her course? Has she joined some societies.

Is she in a uni that is fiercely competitive for housing? In most circumstances they can afford to wait and there might be course mates further along the line looking for an extra person to fill a room.

Try not to get hung up on what other people's kids are doing. They might not be telling their parents the negative bits. They might hit a slump further along the line.

I'm sorry she doesn't feel comfortable in her accommodation. Could she move?

This was me.
I started enjoying it in term 3 once I felt more settled. Hated the whole 'fresher' thing.
One month is nothing OP. It's overwhelming. The uni will have support networks in place that she must use if she is struggling: personal tutor, counsellors, welfare team, chaplaincy etc. Not everyone is 'loving it' from day 1.

It is still very early days. Does she need support to manage her time better? Unis often run sessions in term 1 to help with study skills, transition to uni life and so on. She needs to persist in going along to activities and societies to meet others if her flatmates don't suit. Some unis operate a student family scheme where an older student has a group from the hall or course and they have socials together. Does she have Reading week coming up, might coming home help if so.

She could investigate moving - are caterered halls an option? That might make everything feel a bit easier.

As others have said it is early days. Many students feel a bit down when they first start uni.
They have spent years working towards the ultimate goal which is to attend university
but are often disappointed with the reality.
My dd hated her university and wanted to drop out.
Fast forward two years and she is loving university life

If your dd is not getting on with her housemates she should consider asking for a place in halls

Does your DD have any interests, with corresponding clubs or societies at uni? It's early days and I'm sure she will find some friends among hall mates or on her course but she won't necessarily gel with people just because they are randomly living together or studying the same subject. However, if she can find her tribe in photography/dance/hockey or whatever this is often a much better way to make friends.

Life isn't always a bed of roses. With ups, there are inevitably a few downs. My daughter didn't gel with her first year flatmates, but saw the year out. I remember driving her to uni for her first year, listening to Graham Norton on the radio. He referred to the people you meet initially as your "starter pack" friends. Two of my daughters closest friends she didn't meet until her 4th year. At the end of the day, she's there to study and get a degree. It's good that she's made a couple of friends already.

I think expectations of uni are always high, and actually many, many, students find it tough going in the first year. Friendships are made and broken. Flats shares are often stressful. It takes time to settle into a new way of working, and to gain your independence.

DD1 didn't settle until her third term, and it took DD2 until her third year to find her happy place. She had an awful time with toxic friendships, but fortunately loved the course, and built great relationships with her tutors.

I think part of the problem is expectation.

Partly from parents generation that went and big it up as The Time of Their Lives as their home lives were pretty dull before they went, and partly social media eg TikTok etc that only shows the fun bits.

Also, it’s wobble week. Even students that have had a cracking start find around now tough, like a Blue Monday for freshers.

So my advice would be to lower her expectations and be kind to herself. Managing adulting all at once with making new friends, living away for the first time, higher ed way of learning is very tough to start and takes some adjusting to.

A couple of friends is great and really all she needs at this stage.

If it’s doable maybe a weekend visit would be good - take her out for supper etc. If not or as well send her a few pick-me-ups. I’ve just sent my DD a big basket of fruit!

The first term at university is REALLY HARD. Moving away from home and having to deal with the domestic stuff of shopping for food and cooking and generally having to look after yourself when everything about the environment is new is tough. The friendships aren't secure because they simply don't know each other well enough yet. And often the style of teaching and learning is different too.

Nearly every other 1st year will be feeling the same around now and the end of term is still a long way off.

@Saveitnotforme puts it well about lowering expectations!

DS1 is due home later today for reading week and I have been so worried about him, but do think it could well be in my head!

He's quiet guy, at a quiet uni (whereas we live near Manchester) and he hasn't done anything yet apart from lectures. I really hoped he'd be socialising a little by now, but nothing.

The PPs post about expectations is spot on. The worst part for me are all the other parents I know telling me how wild it'll be, "oh you won't recognise him" "freshers, rah rah rah" when I know full well he is just playing x box with his school friends!

He has always been a slow burner and taken his time to settle from preschool age 3! I am telling myself this all the time but it is so tough and people do not help (unintentionally). I have every sympathy for you - hugs.

Thanks everyone for all your responses. DD has joined 2 societies, she’s made a friend from both societies. I think there is a problem with her time keeping skills, she seems to underestimate how long things take/ overestimate how much she can do in a time span. I will bring up her speaking to her academic tutor, they’ve only met once in a group so maybe speaking one on one will help. As for her flat it is a difficult situation, she likes a couple of her flatmates but there’s been some huge fights. Not with her but it’s created a tense situation. My fear is there’s a nearby flat that is relatively empty but she’s heard though a friend of a friend the people in it aren’t great, but logically wise if she asks to be moved it’s likely the uni will try to put her in that flat. Which is likely to be worse than her current one. It’s hard to know she’s not super happy, I know it’s not been long at all I just wish I could make things easier for her. She enjoys her course but it is very intense, she’s on campus practically every day and for long periods of time.

When my dd moved she was in a flat with 6 guys we went and asked the halls what other options were available. They gave us a list of flats that had space and each one it had a list for each room of male/female and what they were studying and the year. Does her uni do that? We decided she'd stick where she was in the end as the rest were post grad students and she had a great time. My dd has dyslexia and adhd and her uni mentors been great at helping her, so defo reach out.