Son changed his mind - starts his induction week today

[JBJ]

Ds has ASD and had always been unsure if I'm honest about university. He's gone through the motions and applied, got a place etc, but, in the last few weeks, his anxiety has become unbearable and he's having panic attacks just going into a shop with someone in there. Last night, he was hysterical and is adamant he just can't do it and doesn't want to go.

His social skills aren't great at the best of times, and he didn't really enjoy college, although he went most of the time and got a decent grade. He's not the best at communicating, so, although I knew he wasn't exactly looking forward to it (he never shows any enthusiasm for anything anyway), it's only come to light very recently just how stressed he is, and I genuinely think he isn't going to cope at all. He has, however, agreed to let me take him to the doctors and ask for some help, which he's always been very resistant to in the past.

Question is, this late in the day, is it possible to just cancel student finance etc? The difficult bit is going to be getting him to speak to anyone, as he won't talk on the phone at all, so I'm going to have to sort it out for him.

Thanks for anyone that reads this.

I assume you can cancel maintenance loan. Not sure on first term of uni, depends when cut off is.

Could he consider a local uni and commute?

Have you been in touch with the university disability support services? They can be phenomenal support. Also get him on betablockers to manage the physical symptoms of anxiety. Try a day at a time approach for now with significant support. Will he be living at home? If he can try a few days and start to get used to the set up he may build up to more. Good luck. It’s so hard.

We had this with our eldest for similar reasons. Uni were really helpful. He did have to confirm on telephone he was happy for them to speak to me. They also offered lots of support should he have wanted to do the course and defer the year. Student finance were OK but call times high - couldn't cancel via on line account. They don't release payment until uni confirm attendance. If there's a payment you just need to put to 1 side and they'll request it be returned.

Hope your DS gets what he needs and finds his path. Uni isn't the be all and end all. Not everyone wants to go. Our DS is now on an apprenticeship and is enjoying this and doing well.

I wouldn't write it off yet. Another week won't make a difference with cancelling finance. Uni will need to know he has your permission to speak to them but see if you can do that to find out about disability support. High anxiety about first day is more common than people think. Do you think he's on a course that will suit him?

Thanks everyone. It's a local uni so he was staying at home anyway. It's the only course that he would consider - music - as all he wants to be is a musician (bizarrely, he never gets anxiety/stage fright when performing.

I'll try and make some calls this morning. There's no way he's going to get through the doors today. I've never seen him this worked up; he's normally not very open about how he's feeling and tends to just go very quiet, but he was properly hysterical last night :(

What worries me is I really don't know what else he's going to do. He literally doesn't talk to people at all; no friends to speak of, no social life. He spends all his time playing guitar and I can get him out the house to walk the dog. He's very intelligent, a really talented musician, but socially he's really not the best. No idea what kind of job would fit him and he has no aspirations other than music. From a financial point of view, it's going to be a nightmare if he has no money at all coming in to chip in with bills, but that's my issue to sort out. I just want him to be happy.

Not specifically related to this issue, but look into getting him to grant you a power of attorney. That would enable you to eg speak to his bank on his behalf.

If you withdraw within a certain time frame there are no tuition fees payable, think it’s six weeks. Plus if he doesn’t enroll he probably won’t even get his maintenance loan. If he does then he can pay that back. Hope he’s ok.

Can he do the online open university? My asd dd is going to do this . She likes learning but can't cope with the rest of uni life . So this is the best of both worlds .

The uni and student loan will talk to you IF you can get him on the phone to say, "talk to my mum".

If he really can't talk on the phone just write out a simple, "you have permission to talk to my mother" get him to sign it an email it to them.

Don't worry about a job just yet, he will need to decompress after this.

Lots of good advice already here. First thing is treating his anxiety. Not sure if it would help your son but I find guided meditation and yoga helps. We do the mindful movement meditations which are in YouTube.

I will also contact the university and see what they say but will not push your son in those circumstances.

I would second speaking to student support.

Can you go along with him? Welcome week has changed a lot. It's not all about bars and drinking now. Many unis are doing lots of things to help them settle in.

Really it's a lot of registering and being given information. If you go to campus and get a coffee it might help? The idea may feel more overwhelming than the reality.

While you don't want him to be upset, the other side of this coin is that he has no friends and a very one dimensional interest. The one place he is likely to meet people more like him in on a course for that interest.

Out in the big wide world it's harder. This is a nice little bubble.

Meanwhile gather all the info you can for cut off points etc.
Worst case you want to try and defer his place so at least he has the option to go next year if he is more ready.

Can you defer the course for a year, so he still has that option?

I'm going to talk to them about deferring when I ring I think. His anxiety has been sky high over the summer, largely because of the thought of starting uni, but he tends to just get grumpy and quiet and won't talk about what's bothering him. There's no way he's going to go in - I was already taking him and he still won't go, even with me there. It's horrible to see him like this.

Thanks for all the help everyone.

If he defers then it might be an idea to start attending the uni concert series and performances.

Get him used to campus and some of the faces of the music department.

Get him to see the positive side as well as the terrifying bit of having to take that step.

He's very familiar with the campus as it's the same place he did his college course, so literally just a different building on the same site, plus there's a couple of familiar faces from his past course going. I just really don't think he's in the right mindset to do it at the minute. He's crippled with anxiety and I think we need to work on that before he starts anything new.

If he can't manage and needs to stay home and is also unable to work then he may well be eligible for benefits like universal credit (savings in his name limit), LCWRA (part of universal credit) and / or PIP might be worth applying for if other options fail. It can take months to get but they do backdate. You can be his appointee for benefits if he can't manage talking, I think either he signs or you get a psychiatrist or similar professional to say he needs this. It's not ideal but would solve the money issue. You do need lots of evidence from professionals for some of this.

Hi @JBJ I have a daughter who sounds similar. We have moved to online school to try to get her back into education (she's slightly younger than your son).

I work in a university so can tell you that welcome week is very different now. Much more of a range of interesting things happening and less pressure on students to be interacting all the time. If he felt able to maybe walk past the campus or go to something low key like a poster sale or plant sale (they all have those!) maybe he'd feel a little better?

Or are there events for students who are living at home (probably called events for commuting students) he might like that?

You can usually see the events on the university website so you could look and see if there were any things you think he'd like.

The only thing I'd say he needs to go to is his School/course induction. So if he thinks he can manage one then prioritise that. He won't be expected to speak or be involved they are usually just information giving sessions.

If he truely can't go then deferral is a good option and doesn't bind you to anything. A previous posted suggested getting him to go to music concerts at the university which is a great idea.

Also there are a couple of threads you may find helpful. I can't link on the app but one is in teenagers and called has parenting teens affected your mental health. The other is called something like being a parent to an anxious teen I think it's in teenagers as well

Thanks everyone. We've been to see the GP this morning and he's started him on a course of antidepressants, so I'm hoping he starts to feel better soon. He's just flatly refusing to go to uni, open to reconsidering next year though.

I think deferring is a really good idea to give him some breathing space, work on his anxiety and try to build up other areas of his life. I would definitely want to avoid him spending a year barely leaving his room though if at all possible.

It sounds like playing the guitar is his special interest, so i'd go with that. What about doing some busking in his local town? Not with the intention of really making money but just more to get out there and be around people doing what he loves - especially as playing seems to stop his anxiety.

What about some youtube tutorials on how to play the guitar or just of him playing some of his favourite things, again not for likes of money but just to be doing something that could help/interest/inspire others. Then what about contacting a local care home and seeing if they would like someone to come and play guitar for the people there?

I would talk to him now about deferring the place and start making a plan with him of things he could do over the year that involve him playing the guitar, giving him plenty of time to consider them/come up with his own ideas etc

Good luck OP! Can you tell I also have an 18 year old with ASD?😂

Good idea. I've suggested starting up a YouTube channel to him before so he might go for that.

I'm fully intending on him being up and ready for the day at a reasonable time, and he can come out with me on the morning dog walk whether he likes it or not!

The poster that mentioned Universal Credit - would his entitlement get affected by money I have, do you know? It just says "household income and capital" but then refers to a partner, not parents. I know I'm not entitled to anything as I have my dad's house that I rent out, and Google isn't telling me if that would also affect my son.

Universal credit would be your son claiming so it would not be affected by parental income or savings/wealth but is affected if his savings are over £6,000 or go over that but people can allocate money from it for rent or bills including if living in parents home. If you become the appointee the money goes in your bank account for him but its still classed as his income. Think you can also get special bank accounts for appointees.

Thanks, I couldn't work out if that was the case or not :)

Does he get PIP @JBJ?