Feeling confused about what is best here. Please help!

[lovemyboyz247]

You will see from my previous posts recently that I am currently supporting a friend and her son who have had a DV situation in their lives that has turned their lives upside down.

Her son is relying on me for support as his mum is struggling with life in general. Her poor boy is also struggling, but he is trying to make decisions about his future.

Just a brief background. He didn’t make the grades for an apprenticeship as the incident happened during his A level exams and it completely threw him off. He got 3 D’s. Needed minimum 3 B’s. His placement (knew about the situation) offered to defer for a year for him to get 120UCAS points, but it seems the only way to get that many points in one year is to retake and hope he passes. I can’t seem to find any other courses.

Mentally I don’t think he will be able to retake and I highly doubt he can go up two grades with how he is feeling.

He had uni as a back up plan, but didn’t get his first choice. I have suggested he goes through clearing and gets on to a foundation course and if he does well, then his A level grades won’t matter that much or tries to get a entry level job and get experience and then progress with his career, but he doesn’t seem keen. The thing that worries me is that he will have to pay for his retakes, all the stress of doing all his exams again and the risk that he won’t make it and how he will cope with failure next time round. He has spoken about killing himself in recent weeks, he’s no contact with his dad now, supporting his younger siblings and his mum and trying to navigate his next steps.

I am worried about him, but I’m struggling to give him advice about what best to do as I feel like I’m going round in circles. I am trying to support my friend, my own family and my own problems too. I feel like I need some outside help to give him the best advice.

Sorry for the long post. Thank you for reading. What would your advice be?

Concentrate on his mental health first. Get him to a GP. Be open with him about that "X, you've mentioned suicide, we need to park everything else and get you in a good place, let's get you a GP appointment and see what they can offer. Then we can make a plan for your next steps in education "

I would also speak to the school he took his A levels at. They will have more information about post A level options and wider pastoral care.

Sorry I should have said that I have managed to persuade him to make a doctors appointment. I have made it for him. I did say to him that please do this for yourself and I will help with the other stuff. But I don't know what advice to give him regarding his future.

Back in April everything seemed set for him and then suddenly it's all over the place. I know that is life, but for a 17year old, it's difficult for them to deal with so much in one go

Hoping for some more advice

My DD dropped out of A levels for various reasons at 17, I was happy for her to just work for a bit and then decide what she wanted to do when things were a bit easier. They didn't seem to be any point in her doing anything different that was comparable to A-levels, as if she wanted to go to uni, she could do an access or foundation course. While she was working, she decided what it was she wanted to do, and she has just completed her nursing foundation degree. He needs to sort out his mental health first and get to a position of being more stable where he can make good future decisions. There is no hurry on his education, there will still be lots of options available to him, but it's better to take time to work things out and go next year or even after that than to make a wrong choice now to try to study while there are too many other things going on, which has a potential to set him back further.

Hi, OP -

It’s fantastic that you are helping this family.

I have done long stints as an Admissions Tutor and on Mitigating Circumstances panels at my university. I know you’ve asked for explicit educational advice, but I agree with PPs that sorting your young friend’s mental health is the first step.

This must be done before he pursues further educational opportunities, otherwise he is very likely to blow them. (We see this time after time on Mit Circs panels.) Right now, very sadly there is a good reason for his poor performance. People will understand, and he can find a second chance - my first thought is an Access course, but the specifics are very much secondary. The larger and crucial point is that until this YP regains his health, he is not likely to be able to make use of the opportunities he’s presented with, and every failure will just make things worse. Again, this is my professional experience talking.

Once he’s in a better place, he can figure out what is the best way forward and he will be able to thrive. The extra time needed to do this right may seem like a lot now, but it really isn’t when you consider that it is preparing the YP for his whole adult life.

I do think he needs some activities while he is regaining his health - a part tome job, volunteering, sports, etc. But health is the first priority.

I am sorry that this may not be what you wanted to hear. Very best wishes to your young friend.

Thank you for the advice so far. I am supporting her son the best I can and encouraging him to get help with his MH but the uncertainty about his future is giving him extra anxiety.

He wants to retake his exams, but how realistic is it that he's going to go from D's to B's in one year? Would you say that's possible? I am scared about him failing and falling deeper into a black hole

Would he get on to a business foundation degree with 3 D's?

Could he get onto another apprenticeship in an office setting?

I feel I need to give him support and help with MH but also give him some support about his next steps for his future

He might find that (once he’s more stable) he could get a business job (without the apprenticeship) and once they know him they’ll move him onto one. I know my company offer apprenticeships to current staff.