Anxious DD going into Y13

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Posting because I'm worried about DD. She's always been quite a fearful over-thinker and this has got worse over the last three years. Partly adolescence, partly lockdown, but mainly a very traumatic set of experiences at the end of Y9/beg of Y10 that resulted in her school encouraging me to move her. Long story short, she had done nothing wrong but the school didn't want to deal with the bullying that she was being subjected to.

She did move schools, made friends and so on, but has become more fearful and anxious. She did okay in her GCSEs last year, which was a relief as she'd had periods of school refusal.

Fortunately, her new school has a sixth form and she has stayed there to do A levels. She didn't really want to - she had a place at a sixth form she really wanted to go to, got as far as registering, then her anxiety caused her to bottle it.

She's going into Y13 and getting very anxious about leaving school, what's next and so on. Her school insist that they submit a UCAS form, which she will do, and is gradually becoming amenable to the idea that she doesn't have to go to uni until she is ready. Any suggestions that she gets a job for a year is shot down with 'I can't think about that's. Any suggestions that she just focus on getting as good A levels as possible is shot down with loads of stress about personal statements, UCAS forms, EPQs and god knows what.

She didn't do very well in one of her subjects in the June mocks. I'm going to help her with this and it seems the main issue is that she didn't really engage with the material. 'I'm confused' and 'stop' and 'I'm tired' are things that she says a lot. Her dad is ND and she certainly has traits (sensory issues, getting overwhelmed), so ones that people have to learn coping strategies for more than going down any sort of reasonable adjustments route iykwim.

I'm worried that her anxiety is overtaking her. We've just come back from holiday where she was in good form, and she's already feeling overwhelmed at the thought of Y13.

She has friends who she messages a lot, but doesn't really have any form of social life (her choice). Doesn't know what she's interested in (used to do a lot of extra curricular, but lost a lot of confidence with what happened at her old school). Really scared to try new things, as anxious that someone from her old school will be there. She saw someone from her old school at a uni open day, which started her thinking that she wouldn't go to university.

I wish she'd speak to a counsellor, do more exercise and just try saying 'yes' to things, but I can't make her.

Any advice or similar experiences at all please? I think my worry about her is clouding my perspective, but I feel so sad that she's lost so much confidence at such an important time in life

TIA and sorry it's long.

What does she love? There is good evidence for positive psychology being beneficial for managing anxiety/depression etc. less trying to fix the problems, more time actively enjoying the things that bring her joy.

Her phone, I'm afraid. She used to love reading, sports and creative stuff, but doesn't do that now. Read half a book on holiday.

UCAS applications are a ridiculous pressure for the young person who does not really know what they want to do. At the very least if she can find courses she has some interest in then apply for deferred entry as it takes the pressure right off and gives some breathing space. We have done this for my DD this year, she has taken her exams, knows her results but has a whole year now to deal with the practical issues of starting her course rather than 6 weeks. This was not a route recommended by her sixth form and she met a lot of resistance despite being an academically able student. It is not one size fits all and if there is some ASD-type issues then you need to find the route that suits them. Also look at alternatives like apprenticeship degrees.
I’m still trying to tackle the social anxiety with DD which is her biggest issue, but she has got a job for her year off so I’m hopeful she will at least be kept busy.

Thanks bluestarthread. That's what I'm encouraging DD to do - go along with the school but privately know that she doesn't have to go to uni until she is ready

Very glad that your dd has found a job. My biggest fear is that my DD won't even do that and just completely revert to siting in her bedroom on her phone.

Has she ANY idea what she might like to do? Anything at all? I have a dd the same age and she panics a bit too - applying for MFL at uni as she loves it, but has no clue other than that what she wants to do. It’s a stressful time. I sometimes ask what would she do if money was no object, what makes you happy, how would you envision your life in a few years time if you could literally pick what you wanted to do with no restraints - and then try to gently point them in that sort of direction (eg my dd wants to live somewhere warm and sunny, so MFL it is!)?
it’s a hard age… I second the others that say try to find something she can apply for and then defer - it’s better than no plan at all post a-levels IMO. Appreciate its not easy trying to find something but there are a lot of degrees out there in different subjects to A-levels which might appeal - doesn’t have to be a ‘traditional’ subject necessarily.
good luck and solidarity!

Thanks for your post and solidarity! No, not really. Vague idea about something to do with politics or sociology, but doesn't think that she wants to study it for three years at the moment.

She'll definitely submit a UCAS form as her school are so on it. I also think it's the right thing to do for her to have some options post A-level. I didn't many years ago, but they were different times with much less pressure.

I move between feeling very anxious and thinking that people do find their way in life somehow and it's not a race. Just makes me sad when all her friends are off to festivals and generally broadening their lives and she's closing down.

Would she be better not doing ucas and applying grades in hand. It’s totally up to her not school. Focus on her grades.
Yr 13 is very full on if doing uni open days and ucas application.
A gap year might take pressure off.
I’m a big believer in pt job at sixth form. It’s good for them to learn to navigate world of work and potentially widens friendship group. Are you being over generous with allowance? Maybe cut back to encourage her to work.

I've suggested many times that she doesn't do UCAS but she's adamant that the school will insist. I also think she wants to tbh just to have a plan, although I think applying grades in hand makes so much more sense.

We've done a couple of open days and have two more booked at the beginning of September and that will be it, exactly because it's so full on and she's already overwhelmed but she does really want to go to them. If she could just nod and go along with filling in the form/personal statement etc and not really engage, she would be okay, but it's a major focus for her anxiety.

I've encouraged her to find work (I agree that it's a great thing for teens to be doing) and even found her a job with a friend of mine. Friend wanted someone who would do more than one shift a week, which she couldn't/wouldn't commit to. I got her to flier the neighbours for babysitting, which something might come of, but she also thinks that will be too much. She just doesn't have the confidence or get-to to look for anything else.

I think this is it. Any demand or focus on the future feels overwhelming, but she can't seem to recognise that she doesn't have to. All she needs to do is focus on getting as good A levels as she can.

I still feel so angry with her old school. She didn't want to move, but was essentially asked to. The bullying was appalling but recognising that the adults who you'd known for three years didn't give a shit about you was the worst part. She also lost her friend group. Y10 and Y11 were hell on wheels in many ways because of the stress of another anticipated transition, and Y13 is already shaping up to be similar, I'm afraid.

I am sorry for your daughter - we had similar with our's. Sensory overload has to pace herself. She realised herself that she is ND - have you considered an assessment? Mine has inattentive ADHD (over thinker) and we are going to reassess for autism. She also has PoTs and infant reflexes not gone dormant (both worth googling).
Honestly, the only way to get my daughter through everything has been to medicate. I avoided it for years but her anxiety was traumatising for her and I realised I was being selfish not giving her this help. She was on antidepressants for several years although off now - we are trying ADHD meds for her A levels to hopefully reduce her sense of feeling overwhelmed.
School is so hard - my view is that once she is past this hurdle and starts to do things in life she enjoys more she will feel better about life. She wants to go to a Russell Group uni - which I support if thats what she wants to do - but I would be happy if she takes live at a slower pace so she can manage her anxiety.
also, you need to draw a line in the past as it consumes you - forget her old school and focus on the future.

Thanks Oopstoo. I know you're right about putting the past behind us. I try not to dwell on it, but it comes back every time I see how much dd is still affected.

I'm reluctant to mention possible ND to dd as every time I've suggested that she might consider counselling or the like, she's utterly dismissed it out of hand. Think she's got enough on her plate without thinking about that, although maybe that's wrong.

I'll see how the next few weeks go with back to school stress and reconsider though -thanks.

Please consider getting therapy for your DD, as opposed to jumping to the medication route. She may have PTSD. One of mine was traumatically bullied at school. A change of school papered over the immediate effects, but longer term effects continued beneath the surface and went on into university, with damaging results. Finally therapy revealed massive PTSD and associated anxiety. EMDR therapy was utterly transformative. No meds were needed. Please do PM me if you want more information.

Edited to add: sometimes it's not possible just to put the past behind you. The mind doesn't work like that and it can store up problems for later. I regret that we tried initially just putting it behind for our YP.

My daughter sees a weekly psychologist by zoom so it only takes an hour out of her week. It helps her rather than being a burden - she shares her feelings about her life that are stressing her out. With ND it’s important to identify what behaviours are due to ND and how to help mitigate these as that’s what could be driving the anxiety. ND is physical changes to brain - Anxiety is in the mental illness camp and tips on how to reduce the anxiety so she can better cope is advisable.

I feel like I should add my daughter first had therapy at 8 and then has had constant therapy since about 12 so for around 5 years. We tried EMR and hypnotherapy but did not work for her.
We tried two years of therapy before we medicated her. But I have now understood the medical advice about medication helping them being more receptive to behavioural changes that then become ingrained - that if we had agreed to medicating her sooner then she might have responded to therapy sooner and not ended up so anxious.

I would just take the pressure off completely, not talk about jobs or anything like that, or mention what she would do in a potential gap year. If she might want to go to uni next year then obviously submit the form but with no expectation that she will or won't go, make sure she feels in control of it. Maybe get a tutor for the subject she's struggling in. Sounds like it's the pressure that's making her feel overwhelmed - it is quite a stressful year. My son went to uni a year later for a different reason and that worked out well for him. Maybe talk to a counsellor if possible.

Thanks for this. I agree that dd has some form of PTSD, and the symptoms come to the fore when she's anxious. So far, she's utterly resistant to the idea of seeing a counsellor or any type of therapy - I do get this, as it's really distressing for her to think about, but absolutely, trauma doesn't become livable with until it's processed.

I hope that she comes to understand this in time.

In the subject that she didn't do that well in, she's letting me help her (miracle!). I got a First Class degree in it, so I think she's realised that I may be of some help. We were looking at it this morning - it's lack of confidence and practice in writing that type of essay.