DS2, Y12... no idea what he wants to do, help!

[MonkeyTennis34]

DS2 has no idea what he wants to do....whether he wants to go to Uni or do a gap year or do an apprenticeship......

His school ran a Zoom meeting this evening outlining the steps towards submitting his UCAS form and I got a real shock as I didn’t realise things should already be well underway, regarding courses and universities.

He’s at grammar school, is bright and got good GCSE grades but seems thoroughly unmotivated. He has his mocks starting on Tuesday and has barely done any revision. I feel like a bad parent as I’ve been concentrating on DD who has just today finished her GCSEs.

Aghhhh!

He says he’s going to make an appointment with the careers advisor at school tomorrow and is now doing some revision in his room —whilst watching the football—

Does anyone else have a teen in a similar situation?

DS1 was highly driven from about Y10, loved studying and did extremely well at school and Uni. We never compare DS2 with his brother but I wonder whether DS2 is doing this himself?

Hi, OP -

Your DS isn’t the least unusual. You have a lot of good advice above, worded beautifully:

‘he needs his own momentum’ is particular genius IMO.

Slouching into a degree programme that doesn’t enthuse you is a recipe for a bad outcome. My STEM degree programme attracts a small percentage of very bright students, particularly Overseas, who are pushed into it by their DPs (with the best will in the world). It’s hard on everyone, especially the student of course.

The reality now is that it matters less what university you attend, but much more what you do with the opportunity once you are there. A 2.1 degree and a good approach to available opportunities opens many doors and isn’t likely to be obtained by the unmotivated.

The suggestions above about Open Days are good. If DS isn’t ready to apply in the Autumn, he isn’t ready. If he needs two gap years to finish growing up it isn’t the worst thing in the world (though he may need to spend this time purposefully).

If you have mum friends who get a bit smug about their own DC in comparison, just wait. Statistically some will be returning home with MH crises, interrupted studies, etc. Much better to get yourself ready to thrive and excited about your future before you begin.

(I am a former Russell Group admissions tutor and I’ve sat on many Mitigating Circumstances Panels)

If you have mum friends who get a bit smug about their own DC in comparison, just wait. Statistically some will be returning home with MH crises, interrupted studies, etc. Much better to get yourself ready to thrive and excited about your future before you begin

Although hopefully no-one would feel in any way gleeful about your mum friend’s DC having a mental health crisis…

It doesn’t mean those students weren’t ready to thrive when they started. Several reasons why a MH crisis could occur without any possible pre-prevention, including sexual assault. Which is what happened to me at university (and no, I didn’t return home, but my mental health certainly suffered.)

Our school has lots of career advice, assemblies about it, lots of online quizzes and tests that look at your personality and traits and suggests things you might enjoy. Has he fine all this already. Good idea as you said for him to email the careers advisor, cc in his HoY and ask for their advice.

Exactly

Agreed, @SkillDuggery

But all mum smugness is pretty awful and uncalled for

You say you used to sit on mitigating circumstances panels at a university - I’d have hoped you’d have more understanding of, and sensitivity for, students who had to drop out for MH reasons than to suggest it as a way to possibly point score. That’s as awful and uncalled if not more than any mum smugness.

You need to chill out OP!

My DS (19) was very similar. Smashed his GSCEs and A-levels but had no idea what to do next.

He's just returned from travelling around SE Asia and Australia and has got a job working nights at Tesco. The exact opposite of what I'd want for him but it's given him an insight into what life without further qualifications might look like. He's planning on travelling some more and has started making noises about an engineering degree in 2025.

You can't force them into anything. The more I tried, the more resistance I encountered. Perhaps your DS needs some time to figure out his place in the world. Thats ok, let him take that time. If he's a bright, clever lad, he'll not waste his life in dead end jobs.

I did not suggest using it to point score. I am frequently on here bolstering the OP against bitchy remarks from others when her DC needs an interruption or is otherwise vulnerable.

I was telling the OP that if she is concerned about the reaction of other mums to the need of her DS to take a gap year, she should try to be patient with their ignorance because their DC’s lives will open their eyes soon enough. Statistically some will have crises; we’re seeing more MH problems than ever. It’s hard on the families as well as the victims but it does tend to make people realise that they were living in a lucky bubble before, and puncture the smug competitiveness.

I am very sorry for what happened to you. We are all one tragedy away from breaking, at least temporarily.

My reference to ‘the OP’ in my first sentence above means the OP of any given thread

poetryandwine
I’m not aware of any “mum smugness” I never see any other mums at DS2’s school. The only mum I do know from his year is in a similar situation to me, where her DS is unsure what to do.

PinotPony
What your son did would definitely be the opposite of what I want for DS2 right now. But, it sounds like it was right for your son at the time and it’s worked out. I guess as parents, we have to stayed chilled out at times like that.

@poetryandwine thank you for the compliment!
I also think you are giving the OP excellent advice