DD isn't ready for uni...

[Plsdiscuss]

...but she thinks she is.

She's doing A levels, but is missing lessons and is behind on coursework. Some of this is due to IBS, some due to mental health.

Today she missed a lesson because she hadn't completed an essay for that subject. It's not the first time. She is significantly behind on a long piece of coursework that should have been completed in July.

She's a bright button, so isn't used to being behind nor needing to ask for help. She's having to learn how to learn at the age of 18. It took 2 hours to talk her round to maybe emailing her tutor in the next two days to ask for help.

She's determined to go to uni in September. I have no qualms in her living away from home. But she's not ready for the independent study and the learning ownership.

I know there's nothing I can do to stop her going, and I really hope I'm wrong, but it's an awful lot of money to waste to get kicked off a course.

Is she likely to get the grades for the uni/course she wants? Would she consider a resit year?

She isn't bothered about top choices. She wants uni more than a uni.

She'll easily get the grades for the lowest ranked uni on her UCAS form.

She will work it out

That's why most uni's set it up so first year doesn't count towards your final grade.

It gives students a chance to work independently and mess it up without it impacting their degree.

It's a rare student who hasn't handed at least one assignment in late.

If she has chosen a subject that she is studying at A level then some of the first year tends to be refreshing that knowledge so that would give a little breathing space to improve her study skills.

I was that rare student. So were all my friends. So was her dad and his best mate. No assignments in late for anyone I know.

Her dad and his best mate used to pull all nighters to finish assignments and I'd stay up all night making them cups of tea. Anything to not be late with a piece of work.

Same here!

I’ve had three go through university. I think you’re worrying unnecessarily. Let her go, encourage her, support her. Your negativity won’t be helping, not one bit.

I’m sorry this won’t be comforting to you OP but I don’t agree with previous posters.

I was that same student in sixth form. Very bright and capable but unable to focus and get assignments done. I would stay up all night not sleeping putting it off and off and end up crashing at 6am after being unable to do it. Then I started to skip lessons because I didn’t have my work which turned into skipping days. This all happened in the space of amount 6 months. It wasn’t that I didn’t understand the work, I just couldn’t get it done. I was also struggling with my mental health. To the adults around me, I seemed okay, bright and able. They complained at me for not getting things done but ultimately left me to my own devices.

After combination of missing assignments, not attending lessons and some other factors in year 13 - I did not make it to university.

I can’t recommend what help and support your daughter needs because I never received it. I do now know it was a combination of untreated mental health issues and undiagnosed ADHD. But I do agree with you that you have every right to worry about your daughter and university because leaving her to it, she may not even make it let alone cope when there.

I can tell you are a good parent OP who cares and is being attentive which is more than I had at the time. But let mine be the cautionary tale not to just leave her to it.

You’re right to be concerned, and in your place I would be telling her that she needs to get the help she needs/wants, decide what it is she actually wants, and until she sorts herself I wouldn’t be funding her going to uni.

Wanting to go to uni isn’t enough. We’ve passed the stage where kids can just decide they want to go to uni to essentially learn independence and go on a three year bender. It’s become too expensive for that. And while I totally agree that uni does allow kids to have more independence, that can only happen if it’s done properly i.e with a proper degree and the aim to actually learn in mind.

Given the cost of tuition fees as well as the amount of debt students get into in the name of student loans etc, I certainly wouldn’t be paying for my child to go and blow it.

There’s plenty of time for uni later.

For now I’d be encouraging her to take a gap year to evaluate what it is she really wants and needs.

There’s plenty of time for uni later.

For now I’d be encouraging her to take a gap year to evaluate what it is she really wants and needs.

I totally agree with you @MayThe4th . She needs to see this for herself though. I started gently doing "there are other options if you're finding it this difficult" this November time when college told me how behind she was with the long coursework. She had a tearful conversation with me and told me how much she was struggling to get the long coursework done. I contacted the tutor myself as she refused to. The help he's given hasn't been enough to get her any further with it. The further help he's given this year again has not moved her forward in it. Him telling her that she might need to repeat the year isn't enough to motivate her.

So I'm hoping this piece of coursework will be the crunch point. The tutor told me the coursework is enough to scrape a pass, but has told her it needs much more work.

We've also talked degree apprenticeships last summer, from a money perspective, and she's open to those if it's the right one. As long as they're away from home. 😁 It'll need to be a great subject though to turn her head.

Thanks for sharing your experience @LivingroomWarzone. Did you try to go to uni at a later date or did you give up with that idea and find a job? Did you have a determination to move out when you turned 18, and did you do so?

My DD was not ready to stand on her own. You will find local colleges have a great combination of the offering of degree or DipHE courses with all of the support that normally goes with FE courses (mentoring, study support, help with getting started, and special needs) simply because they deal with ages 14 upwards.
If she is at home, she will get the "get on with it" support that you also provide, plus washing feeding cuddling etc.

She can use this 1st year pass to change locations and spread her wings.
If she has a career in mind, they may also offer certain courses that will work as a 1st year pass
Or if not ready, she can do 2 years, get a DipHE and use that to go into an industrial placement for final year.

Sorry you had undiagnosed ADHD @LivingroomWarzone, you must have really struggled

I'd be wondering why she thinks that uni will be any different, in terms of her ability to submit the work?

If there's an underlying reason(s), you mention mental health issues, they absolutely need to be sorted, and if not completely sorted, she need to be getting some treatment and willing to work towards getting well. Going off to uni with mh issues could be a disaster for her.

One thing to remember is that you're allowed 4 years of UG funding. So she could go, tank out in the first year, come home, reassess and still go to uni in the future. I don't think anyone would recommend this, but it is there and something that's worth knowing about (of she's had any sort of struggle with her first year, it's going into the second year that is the problem for the future, iyswim?).

But, teenagers think they're infallible, and the more you say don't, they do. She is old enough to make her own decisions and live with the consequences. I'd be offering to help her get to the bottom of what's going on, not trying to get her to submit this coursework. The CW is a red herring. If she could and she wanted to, she would. If she can't (mh reasons) you need to help her with the can't.

Who'd be 17 again, eh? I've always thought it's a tough age, never more so than now!

Can you sell her a fun sounding alternative gap year. DD took one and the extra years maturity was invaluable. She did not regret it, and plenty of her friends envied the fact she had had a whole load of different experiences. Ski seasons are obviously harder to come by. DD also did Camp America which was brilliant. She is still close to some of the group.

I agree with @AlwaysFreezing
I am a member of a student parent group on Facebook, and the number of students who have crashed out of university in their first year seems to be at an all time high.

University is not school. No-one chases you for outstanding work or reminds you about deadlines. At DD's university work that is submitted late is subject to penalty, with a 5% deduction of the final agreed mark for each calendar day that the work is submitted late. Re-sit work that is submitted late gets marked at zero.

It's a rare student who hasn't handed at least one assignment in late

Universities take no prisoners, and it is more unusual for work to be handed in late these days because of the marks being deducted unless the student has been granted a PEC (personal extenuating circumstances).

@Plsdiscuss Basically if your DD isn't a self starter by the time she gets to university I would suggest that she takes a gap year or two until she can get to the bottom of her issues (ADHD?) and/or matures because no-one can do it for her. It sounds very much to me that she simply isn't ready.

No mental health issues @AlwaysFreezing No suspected ADHD either @RampantIvy Just a lack of organisation over work and a laziness to attend lessons.

Since starting this thread, the long coursework is now completed. She's got a place at Kent, which was her first choice. She's applied for finance. She's still bunking off lessons at college.

There's no shifting her from this course. I've addressed my concerns with her directly now. She seems to think she'll be better at uni. 🤷

I'll probably bring it up once more, but any more than that will be detrimental I think.

Good luck to your DD @Plsdiscuss. I hope she matures before university and doesn't doesn't learn the hard way.

Do you know why she’s become disengaged with college?
Im perplexed as she seems quite a determined young lady as far as uni is concerned and will need the grades; so you’d expect her to be very much engaged with college and her workload. That aside given her determination she’ll likely want to prove you wrong and make her time at uni work to prove her point. 🤞🏼