Daughter has quit

[Alainlechat]

My DD has decided to leave uni in her first year.

She wants to look at courses closer to home next year.

I'm gutted for her. Apart from now being in limbo for a year she has added a term of tuition fees and loans to her debt. And I am guarantor for the accommodation and potentially facing a 5k bill for the rest of the year.

She was swept up in going to the same uni as her friend which hasn't worked out for her at all.

I’m going to break with the rest of PP here and say that not being able to speak up to her friend and not liking the accommodation after perhaps 2.5 months is a deeply silly reason to drop out and land everyone additional costs. If it’s a popular course then there’s no guarantee she will be accepted next year elsewhere.
She likes the course and that is good. I’d encourage her to contact her personal tutor and discuss the situation - they can often find ways to help her switch to alternative accommodation especially at this point in term when there will have been other drop outs. If it’s university owned then the switch may be able to be direct and the contract just switch over.
As for the friend - well, she’s going to be falling out with them either way over this and adding more debt to her pile over it seems daft.
Would I be right in thinking this is perhaps a collegiate type university?

Honestly I couldn't support my daughter in changing course and landing me in 5k worth of debt because she didn't want to live with her friend and was afraid of upsetting her

She's going to upset the friend by leaving suddenly, what's the difference between this and upsetting them by moving out?

If she likes the course, and it’s not extreme homesickness, I’d be doing everything possible to encourage her to stay. The academic year is short, she can live somewhere else next year.

Precisely as Crazycrazylady says - this is another part of growing up. And quitting/running home isn’t going to help her learn that. If the friend is a clingy PITA then she needs to say so. Not incur £5k of additional debt for it.

So she did speak to the uni and a 30 min appointment turned into an hour and 30 min chat. At the end of it the conclusion was that she was leaving the course and got the train home the next day.

Her dad and I think she has made the wrong decision but we can't force her back. She has said she feels like a failure and when we try to speak to her she just says there is no way she is going back. She wants a uni closer to home. She's burying her head in the sand when it comes to wrapping up everything. At this point it's still an option for her to go back.

The uni is in a big city so quite a change of environment for her but it's not like we live in a rural village.

Honestly she has a boyfriend back here that she says has no bearing on her decision and he has said he supports her whatever her decision.

Is there is backstory to this friendship which makes it particularly difficult for her to disengage and therefore fuelling this decision? I would be supporting her to be more mature by investigating options for switching accommodation and how to have a frank conversation with her friend. Otherwise how will she cope with other setbacks in her life.

Thanks everyone, all the points you are raising I've already said to her. Her friendship is hanging by a wire as of course the friend feels very let down and was none the wiser that there was an issue.

However I feel we have been tiptoeing around her for fear of upsetting her more.

She has quit when there were solutions/alternatives and now has to bear the consequences of that decision especially in relation to the 5k if a new tenant can't be found.

Also she'll need a get a job, she's already complaining there are no jobs around and doesn't want FT hours at her part time job.

You can’t force her back but she should take full financial responsibility for paying the rent in the circumstances.

Honestly she has a boyfriend back here that she says has no bearing on her decision and he has said he supports her whatever her decision.

Perhaps he can help her pay her debt then & get organised to study at a nearer Uni!

I don't know there is a backstory to the friendship other than the friend being quiet bossy and opinionated so my dd has gone along with things for a quiet life against her better judgement. It's a tough lesson.

She did not really want to go so far from home but couldn't face telling her friend and thought she would be ok.

And on paper the uni was the best one for her grades and looked fantastic when we visited it.

“Honestly she has a boyfriend back here that she says has no bearing on her decision and he has said he supports her whatever her decision.”

I would be highly surprised if this did not have a bearing on her decision.

Perhaps discuss if she can request a couple of weeks off (won’t make much difference in year 1) to think about this properly before fully pushing the nuclear button. A couple of weeks at home being badgered to get a job/ take FT hours may be illuminating.

Sorry if that sounds cold - dropping out can be the best approach sometimes however it should be for the right reasons. (Was around academia for a long time - have seen the full range of right/rash decisions and associated relief/regret - including both from myself)

Does she really think the friendship will continue after she just leaves without telling her friend?!

As you say, you can't stop her from dropping out, but she does need to understand and face the realities of what that means. Especially as her reasoning for leaving seems flimsy and not thought through. Is there possibly something else going on that she isn't saying

If not, imo she needs to stop moaning about not wanting full time hours and get on with it, along with fining a new tenant or working towards saving the 5k for the tenancy.

It sounds as though it's time for her to get an proper adult job rather than a PT student job.

Was she in halls or a private rented house? She should easily be able to re-let a room in halls, especially as there will probably be students turning up in Jan. Private lets are trickier as the others usually have to agree on the new tenant.

She did pluck up the courage to tell her friend she was coming home but only after we insisted she had to.

Honestly I don't know if the boyfriend has much bearing on it certainly he is not putting pressure on. In any case she could have been home every weekend with a bit of effort.

Time for another chat and lay out the realities of the decision to leave.

This is everything she has told us, there may be another reason but nothing she has shared.

I just couldn’t let my daughter giving up a course she enjoys because she doesn’t want to live with this friend any more but can’t face telling her.

All through your adult life you will face awkward conversations that make you cringe inside but then it’s done and you’re free to move on.

She’s allowing another person to affect her life, plus putting you under financial pressure. The friendship won’t survive anyway, your daughter clearly can’t stand the girl or is intimidated by her.

I’d tell her to tough it out, not run away.

I wouldn’t underestimate the impact of a controlling friend. One of my home friends considered committing suicide due to a similar issue, it was only when she got away she realised how bad it had been. To an outsider it may seem silly but these people make you feel like there are no options. a part of you really cares for them so you don’t won’t to hurt their feelings, so sometimes running away feels like the only option. Can you find out more about the friend situation? It can be as bad as a controlling / abusive partner.

If she likes the course (and would choose the same course again) then it seems a shame to leave.

Accommodation: Her expectations of being allocated her preference of accommodation / what she viewed at open day were unrealistically optimistic. Many first year students are allocated accommodation which is further away or less suitable. They are there for less than 30 weeks and then can try for something better the following year.

Friend: This is tricky as being in the same flat and on the same course must seem a lot, but there are steps your daughter can take: an honest but kind conversation with the friend and suggesting some healthy boundaries (e.g. going in separate groups for group work, joining some separate societies).

If she does decide to leave now, I agree with other posters that she needs to get a job for the next 6-8 months to cover her financial responsibilities (she presumably signed a room licence or contract).

My DD moved out of uni accommodation but stayed on her course, travelling from home. This was a few years ago but I remember reading on the university website that if she had completely dropped out that she would not have to pay for the whole year’s accommodation. As it turned out we had to pay until they found a new student to take her place in the flat but your situation might be different and you should check with the university about the accommodation situation before you get too worried about a massive bill.

My initial thoughts are she's being hasty if she started a month ago and wants to leave already. Especially if she's enjoying the course . Moving accommodation and home visits can be sorted and so can 'friend' situation with your support . Has she officially notified the uni yet ?

@thisbetheverse i think that's what my daughter feels is the case and the only option to extract herself was to leave completely as any reasonable requests would have been dismissed.

She has told the uni she is leaving whether that is final I don't know yet.

She has been there 6 weeks and had come home for a reading week. When she got home she said she did not want to go back.

We encouraged her to speak to the uni and she did and ended up coming out of the meeting with the decision to leave.

I'll speak to her again tomorrow and if she is still deciding not to go back then she needs to put all effort in finding someone to take over her room.

Hearing everyone's replies has been helpful.

That's an expensive decision

Could it be that sthg else has happened that brings her bad souvenirs or could she be afraid of sthg/smne?

I was sympathetic until you said it was just because of her friend.

You can't afford to take the hit with the accommodation costs and she needs to know that and know you're expecting her to get enough work to pay you back.

Don't let this be an easy choice for her to have made, OP, she needs to know there are consequences to decisions like these.

I work at a uni (lecturer) and with lots of first years. And every year there are students who leave for similar reasons or uni not being what they expected or wanted.
I know the money is an issue etc, but really I disagree with those saying she should just suck it up and stick with it. A PP said that many YP are sent towards Uni and it isnt the right path for everyone in spite of their academic success. Uni accomodation can also be grim and if it's in a city then may be far away from the teaching campus and not feel welcoming etc.

Having said all that, it feels like the role of this 'friend' is critical. All else being equal, and this friend not being there, what do you think she would want to do? Perhaps thats a conversation worth having. it seems wholly unfair that your daughter would drop out of Uni due to a suffocating controlling friendship. Are they on the same course? Either way, if she leaves, then this friend will probably tip up again at home with the same problem, so what happens then?