Daughter really not settled at university

[charlotte361]

DD is around 300 miles away and a difficult journey by car or public transport.He accommodatiom has no social spaces and is on narrow corridor and she doesnt feel very private in her room. The other girls in her accommodation flat r are quite bitchy and a;though nice to people'sr face bitch about and mock everyone behind their back including her ( she overheard them when they thought she was asleep).They dont seem to have any interests beyond going out and drinking which dd isnt averse to occasionally, but not every day.
She feels stressed all the time because of them, she doesn't eat or sleep well . She has made some friends through societies and her course . but they only do stuff with their housemates.
She speaks to me every day in tears because she is just so stressed and exhausted all the time. She has been to stay with a sibling for a few days after she had a minor injury
and has had friends from school come and sta. But 5 weeks in she is still very miserable and home sick

Can she contact accommodation and see if any other rooms have become available elsewhere?

She should be able to access free counselling through the university. She also could try requesting to move accomodation, they may be able to do so a simple switch within the same campus.

It's great that's she's talking to you about it all.

I have two dds at different unis, it’s definitely hard. Most do get there eventually. If she’s made friends on her course, she could ask around to see if any rooms have been vacated elsewhere. There is usually a little bit of movement about now

It took me a while to settle, everyday I wanted to leave but after Christmas break I found my feet and started to love uni. I agree it's brilliant she knows she can be honest with you, its also a good idea to maybe think about asking whether it's possible to change rooms- might find a better mix of like minded people suits her better; remember as well although it probably seems ages away that can choose who to live with next year. Is she enjoying the course itself? It's good she has joined some societies, it's still new for everyone but they'll possibly be more social soon- I'd recommend a sport too even if she doesn't actually want to play I met all of my best friends that way and always stuff going on (not all drink or sport related).

Dd didn't get on with her flatmates intiially but moved at end of first term when a room came up with some others she had met. She has shared a flat and socialised with the same group for past three years.

That’s hard for her - and for you to hear OP 😞

Im surprised her course and society friends only do stuff with their flatmates, I’m sure that will change - or if your dd suggested doing something, they’d join her. But yes, agree with pp, might be worth seeing if there’s any where she could move to, away from the bitchy girls.

My ds had a very weird bunch of flatmates in his first year - he ended up eating his meals in his room on his own pretty much all year - but did make friends through his course and other flats so all was ok ultimately.

5 weeks is still quite early days too - I really hope things improve for her.

It’s a tough time, I would suggest seeing if she can switch rooms.

Also it takes most people until after Christmas until they start to settle in. You have my understanding as my DD is in a similar situation.

It’s very early days and quite common to feel like this in an unfamiliar place miles from home.
She needs to see if she can move accommodation first, maybe near some of the friends she’s made.
Keep supporting her as you have been and encouraging her to settle.
She won’t be the only one feeling this way !

That sounds like DD flat last year at Bath. Luckily she did make friends with a girl in the room opposite her and a few lads but it took a few months. She hated that there was no social space and by the end of last term was desperate for a bigger room and more privacy. She just went into second year and is now living with the same group, sadly it all takes time and it can be really hard for them to wait around for things to slot in place whilst they are so unhappy. I would also recommend seeing if she could be moved. It is tough though hearing them so unhappy. Does she like her course?

This was my DD last year, she really didn't get on with the people on her corridor, loud parties, banging doors, smoking weed and messy kitchen. She was desperately unhappy. She requested a move but nothing ever came of it. But, she made friends in other halls and basically used her room as somewhere to sleep (even though it was a very expensive hall!). She came home for reading week, only a few more weeks and it was Christmas. What I would say is the first year races by, she got together with others to find a house for her second year so basically she just got her head down planning for her second year. She's now in the shared house having a much better experience.

5 weeks in is very early. I don’t think I’d settled at all at that stage.

I never had much interest in the people on my corridor. When you say there are no social spaces, do you mean on her corridor or in the whole halls? I’m slightly surprised by the idea most people socialise only with their housemates, and I wonder if that’s her perception more than a reality.

I think she needs to access college counselling and also talk to the accommodation office and get herself moved (seeing the counselling service will probably help with this).

It’s good she is joining societies and she needs to keep at that. Help her to realise it’s early days and lots of people will be finding it tough.

My eldest hated her first year as the flat was full of people she didn’t get on with and who wanted to get drunk every night.
We had already told her that you spend year 2 onwards trying to rid yourself of people you met in the first year 😆
Societies are the way to go, as others have mentioned. Sport, drama, music, knitting etc. In other words, things that have nothing to do with her course.
It’s hard, but she needs to persevere. Honestly, the others are probably finding it hard too but, unlike your daughter, go along with the others -so she should be proud that she doesn’t just go with the flow and doesn’t sit around bitching about others.

Another similar story to PPs; my DD didn't gel at all with her housemates, but found friends through clubs and her course. In her first year, she was still pretty lonely at this point, but things got a lot better and she also gained lots of social confidence.

Her friendship group fell apart at the end of Year 1 but she has been able to find new friends (clubs and societies again) for Year 2 now that she knows the ropes.

We are having a similar situation. Have you seen her in person since she left? When my DS was in full crisis mode I went over to his uni and I think that might have been enough to help him cope, except for the fact he had Covid and I was going over to bring him home to look after him. Since then he has been coming home every other weekend and this has improved his mood immensely, he says university seems far less daunting now he knows it's basically for a 10 day stretch at a time. He is building confidence with his flat mates and has joined some clubs, which he initially refused to do.

He is 150 miles away and not an easy journey but obvs not as difficult as 300 miles. I think if you can get to where she is, maybe stay with her in a hotel for a couple of nights so she can get some decent sleep, decent food, a decent shower and some time away from her flat mates it might help her feel better able to cope.

Absolutely she should ask for a flat transfer, get on the waiting list. Does the university have any designated quiet accommodation? If so she might find the people there are more her type.

Total sympathy with you - it is so hard when they are unhappy so far from home.

DS didn't settle for ages at uni. His flatmates were awful and he never really found his tribe. I was really worried about his mental health and I'm sure I posted on MN at the time. I did get in touch with the pastoral team and they did try help him by offering him a change of accommodation.

This all happened after Christmas when he went back for term 2. In the end he stuck it out in the original accommodation, moved into a house share for year 2 and covid notwithstanding, was fine after that.

I do think that some students settle right in straight away and have a great time. Indeed DD was one like this. But for others it's so much harder having to live away from home, in a new place, make new friends and get to grips with higher level studying for the first time. Definitely contact the pastoral team and see if they can offer any support to your DD. Hope it works out.

Can she or you email student services?

Ds had a mixed flat, some lovely, some complete arseholes but it was made better by someone moving out in semester 2. I think I would get her to contact the accommodation office and put in for a move, some people may have dropped out already which frees up space.

I know you have said the journey was horrendous but could you go and visit her there? I think it is better than bringing them home. It is completely shit when they are far away and not happy. I would also get her to reach out to her personal tutor or pastoral care. They may be able to help her with a move.

It is so difficult when you are in it to see that she is half way through her first semester, that after exams in semester 3 they usually finish early. So Ds's 30 week year was actually 25 weeks in total, he came home shortly after his first year exams. This flat is only for this year, for 30 ish weeks. Ds felt intimidated to cook which saw him more anxious and therefore eating less. He loves cooking. But he is through the other side now so a much more happy person.

My dd2 didn't really click with her assigned flatmates though had other friends at the university from college one of which she shared with in year 2 along with course friends. Definitely suggest she speaks to someone who can reassure her others are like her, switching room is a possibility though. The chaplaincy was helpful too when dd1 was struggling, they got her involved in the choir and through them found a singing job outside of the university where she made friends of different ages, she even gets Sunday lunch invites

That's a tough one. Those girls don't sound very nice! My main friends at uni were a few people I made friends with on the same course as me as well as those who lived in my halls!

Maybe she should invite people from the society to do some things she likes?

My eldest was the same at this stage of uni 2 years ago. She kept doing all the right things and did become much closer to her course mates as the year went on. It helped that she really enjoyed her course and deep down did not want to quit. My DD didn't want to change flats as she also had some nice people in her flat and she didn't want to risk being in a worse situation. It sounds like your DD has nothing to lose by requesting a change of accommodation.

Neither if my dcs have made friends with their flatmates. Actually both have found said flatmates a pain in the arse and/or have nothing in common with them. Dc2 has seen said flatmates in a few times - he starts ‘lessons’ early most days then has involved himself in various societies so doesn’t go back until late….

Both have made friends through various societies. It’s worth looking for tte ones who have a strong social side - she doesn’t have to go to all of the ‘events’.
The ones she knows but tend to go out with flatmates… I’d encourage her to organise something herself - think ‘oh shall we have a social together on Wednesday evening after meeting up?’ It’s unlikely that the people she met have found their best friends in the flat they are in. But rather they are all as lost as she is and ‘cling to each other’ (fir want of a better word)

Once people settle down a bit more, she’ll find things will be organised more easily too.

I've worked in several uni jobs including halls of residence office.

She needs to tell her tutor, the halls manager and a university wellbeing person and say everything you've said in your post. They will take it seriously and try to resolve or move her into a new flat, which I've seen done many, many times.

These problems happen every year in every uni, she just needs to tell the right staff and make it explicitly clear that it's massively affecting her mental health to the to the point where she's ready to quit and can't cope. If she makes it sounds not as bad as it is, her complaint won't be prioritised

My first year flat wasn't great and I had exactly the same issue with people going straight back to their halls in between lectures/seminars to hang out with their flatmates. My biggest regret about first year is that I didn't move halls as soon as I realised it wasn't a good social fit. I would really encourage your DD to move flats ASAP. She is very unlikely to lose anything by putting in an application. It did get better eventually but those first few months felt like they went on forever!

first year is TOUGH OP. I didn't find my good friends and settle down until almost the 3rd term. Halls can be brutal.
Do encourage her not to jack it in. The uni will have counselling and chaplaincy teams who will be more than kind to her. She should also consider talking to her personal tutor. When I was there final years reached out to the first years too, and we could discuss things like homesickness, making friends.
She is doing well meeting people through clubs and interests. Honestly, I am not in touch with halls people anymore. But I still have lots of great friends from my course and activities.