DS in 2nd Year - I’m (still) struggling

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

This may not be the right board for this question I thought about putting it in chat but wondered if here might be better? DS is in his second year at uni and really loving it. He lucked out with his flatmates in year one and now they’re all living together in year two in a house.

Course is what he expected and he is looking into potentially spending a year abroad next year. So that’s just to illustrate that everything is going as it should be if not better.

The problem is me. I really, really miss DS. I know that when he’s finished at uni even if he has to come and live at home for a bit that’s probably not going to be his first choice and I’m just struggling to come to terms with the fact that so many “bits” have now finished.
I work full time I have lots of hobbies a great DH and DD who is at home as well and I know that I should be feeling really happy for DS and I am but I just feel really sad that things will never really go back to how they were.
i’ve been so surprised by how difficult I found it and it’s not something I find easy to talk about with other people who seem to be doing a good job of just cracking on with things.
Anyone else felt the same??
(nb i’m doing a good job of covering this up as the last thing I would want would be for DS to feel bad about #LivingHisBestLife! or DD to feel like “oh blimey mum’s going to be lost when I go to uni”)

I feel a bit like this about DS2, who's just started. I just know I'm not going to see him for dust! His older brother is a bit more of a home bird, but I wouldn't be surprised if DS2 quickly ends up living on another continent.

There are lots of ways you can rationalise it, and lots of good reasons why in the end this is all positive and thumbs up, but I think it's ok to just sort of experience the emptiness and sadness a bit - so long as you're not wallowing and disguise it around the kids, as you say.

Sorry, not much help but you're not the only one! I think with young people who are very sociable and outgoing, as it sounds like yours is, this is just what happens: they take one hop out of the nest and they're off.

I console myself a bit by thinking back to when I was that age - in retrospect there was a long period in my twenties when my parents must have felt I'd largely abandoned them, but gradually as I got older (and especially after I had my own kids) my relationship with them got a lot closer again. Aided by the fact that they never made me feel guilty and never gave any impression of being grief-stricken. If you've got a solid bond with your son (and I'm sure you have) that won't ever really be broken - it will just be different.

Thank you @PacificState that’s a lovely reply. You’re completely right - it’s all good and as it “should be” for DS and I am hand on heart v happy for him and what his future may be. Looking back is interesting - I went travelling before uni, then never really lived at home again after uni which must have been as so hard for my parents, but they never showed it and I’ve got a new found appreciation/gratitude for that as a parent myself.

It's hard isn't it - everyone talks about 'empty nest' in a lighthearted way and when you're younger (or when your younger kids are driving you up the wall) it's difficult to imagine what an absolutely profound experience it can be. For me, it's been much more profound and impactful than menopause, for instance. And it feels like it's come out of the blue, even though rationally I knew it was coming for years! In that way it's a bit like having your first child - you think you know what having a baby might be like, but you don't really know

I get it, and am very surprised and a bit concerned at how badly I have suffered empty nest syndrome and how long it has lasted. Both DC are now grown up and leaving home. DS1 is around for now until his flat becomes available. DS2 is in a flatshare with mates, having a good time. Neither of them needs me much at all anymore and i feel pretty shit about it. I try not to but I do. I feel tearful and a bit grumpy - unappreciated. I know rationally that the whole point of having children is to raise them to be independent and to have interesting lives. And I know I am supposed to claim that time for myself now. But even though I've been on holiday alone, done a retreat, visited family, had holidays with DH without DC around, increased my work hours in a job I love, it all feels a bit flat and pointless for now.

Sounds sucky @TotalOverhaul. I guess we just have to keep trucking and trust that the fog will clear eventually. I don't think most parents in their 60s and 70s are still walking around feeling like half a person. Bloody hope not anyway.

@TotalOverhaul I can identify with all that! I think being menopausal isn’t helping me despite HRT - I have become more acquainted than I would have liked with my new friends anxiety and low mood 🙄.
@PacificState , yes I really do hope this lifts soon enough, or I at least learn to adapt.
I’ve tried giving my head a wobble - I have friends who have lost a child to cancer and friends who’ve lost a child to suicide both of which are unimaginable and I know I’m coming from a place of privilege. I guess you can’t help your own feelings.
Thank you both - sorry that you “get it” but it is good to hear that I’m not alone!

You are not alone. My lovely DS is back home for a 2 week holiday from his job in Canada and it is great to have him staying. He will be leaving soon back to a life he loves and I will really miss him. I try not to show it though, as I am so lucky to have happy independent adult DC's.

Ds1 has just started his final year after being home for 4 months. We are a close family so it impacts us all. I miss him singing in the kitchen whilst we make dinner together. Ds2 does not sing, he will cook dinner, but no singing. Lucky for us Ds1 has secured a graduate job in the city we live in so will definitely be living back here whilst he adds to his LISA for buying a house. Sadly as he returns Ds2 will be off to uni so then my baby (strapping 5'10" chap) won't be here. FFS who said newborn age was the worst bit because surely this is the worst.

I’m taking a lot of comfort in reading these posts ❤️ You want them to be happy and independence etc etc but it’s flippin hard as they go. Suddenly it all happened so fast and I was definitely not ready.

@AvonCallingBarksdale I think that underpinning your feeling is the fact that you have had a really happy family life and that's priceless. When I went to uni, my parents couldn't get me out of the house fast enough.

Ah, this will be me! I already feel sad thinking of them going and it is four or five years away yet. I have a complete life without them, but I really like having them around! They are my favourite people and though I of course want them to spread their wings and successfully launch’, I absolutely love the busy, loving , loud family home at the moment.

I intend to get a LOT of rescue dogs 😂

@JesusWeptLady you are right, yes. And I do feel very lucky and grateful that we are all close.
I hope your uni years were fun and happy 😊

@MyBedIsMySpiritualHome 😁. Awww you’ve got a bit of time yet!

Anyone else felt the same??

No, not really.

I'm sorry, but the only time I felt that I wanted to with DD when she was at university was when she was sad. Her boyfriend dumped her just before she went and I had several late night tearful phone calls. It breaks your heart when your child is unhappy.

However, she also lucked out with supportive friends and flatmates, and when she was happy I could feel settled, and quickly got used to my new life without her. The expression "you are only as happy as your unhappiest child" never rang truer. I still work, but I joined a book group and a charity, and spend a lot of time fundraising.

DD graduated last year and stayed in her university city to live and work. However, we are close and I visit her a lot and she also comes home for visits.

I’m not one for wanting DD around me a the time. They have friends where they work post uni and are making their own lives. That was what my job was. Making them independent. We chat, we visit we all get on. But, we have moved into a different phase. DH and me quite like it!

DDs around me all the time. That should read.

I know my DM felt like this when I went to university.

I think it helped that when I did come back in the later years we annoyed the shit out of each other - it turned out having me around wasn't as great as she'd been remembering and both of us had changed more than we recognised.

So give it time, things will work themselves out.

Have you tried counselling sessions?

Been away so just coming back to this. Counselling may be an idea. I think it’s also tied up in the menopause hitting v hard, HRT not so far being the miracle I’d anticipated.
@RampantIvy @TizerorFizz it’s not quite that I want to be there with DS, it’s more that one day we were all at home together (apart from school/holidays with mates/hobbies etc etc), then booof he was off and it just happened too quickly for me (18 years wasn’t long enough for me to prep 🤣). He’s great company and I miss him 🤷‍♀️I am, however, delighted that he’s enjoying life, it’s just a transition that I’m struggling with. There’s a bit of a DS-shaped gap. So talking through with someone might well help, thanks, @cestlavielife

Admittedly I don't feel this way. But please take comfort that you are a large part of him thriving. Yes nature v nurture, but he's everything you wanted a young man to be: out there, happy, confident, enjoying it, doing so well. Take comfort that he's him, and he's there, partly because of you.

I really miss my DS @AvonCallingBarksdale - now in his third year! What gives me some perspective is that his sister went off two years before him and absolutely hated her uni and course, dropped out and came home. It made me realise that there's only one thing worse than them leaving home and going happily off to uni and that's when they don't go happily off to uni and come home instead! Seriously, it's great that that your DS has been able to go off, settle in and enjoy being away from home - if he loves his course, loves his flatmates and loves uni then you really can ask for no more. As much as I miss DS, I would hate him to go through what his sister went through. It was awful! It's time for him to move out and move on - and all the more lovely when he comes home. We are all still really close - both DCs still like to go on family holidays (alongside holidays with their mates!), wouldn't dream of being anywhere but home for Christmas - I'm just making the most of that (because obviously that won't last forever). They are meant to move out - I try to think of it as opening the cage door to let them fly, but keeping it open so they can fly back whenever they like (having undertaken a serious tidy up of their room in the interim!)

Such lovely, thoughtful replies, thank you.

You have articulated brilliantly what I clumsily tried to say earlier.

I agree with @LillianGish. Having a happy student is far better than having an unhappy one at home.