Just started A Levels, dc says lonely, what to do?

[LadyHag]

Background

Issues throughout high school with anxiety, mental health, friendships as in nit many friends, low confidence etc.

We're in the process of a private autism assessment, but not sure what will come of this as dd is a fab, lovely, funny person but is almost petrified of new social situations.

Waded through high school with about 3 or 4 friends, only saw 1 friend out of school and that was a rarity, won't join clubs, group etc however we try.

So, staff at school were fab telling her there would be an exciting new chapter in life starting college, dd really looking forward to it..... except this weekend been in tears saying she tries chatting to people but other than enrichment there is no informal clubs, groups etc and after lessons everyone just leaves, isn't getting chance to try making connections or friends, we're back to her being extremely lonely. She has bern emailing other colleges but ones where people from her old school gave gone, we're worried it's to try finding friends from school but people who never bothered with her in school so won't be wanting to have her follow them in college.

Realistically, what can college do to help her? They can't change the structure of the day or clubs, they can't tell 16 and 17 year old to be friends with someone.

We hoped this was going to be a fresh start gor her but we're back where we were with high school and we're gutted, she is so upset.

I don't know why people big things like college or university up - they can be very lonely if you aren't particularly outgoing or have social anxiety. Why do people think these things will magically disappear?
The college can't do anything. It's not like they can say to Johnny go play with Mike he's sitting on his own looking sad.
Unfortunately it has to come from the person themself. My daughter is rather antisocial- difference is she doesn't care and is not lonely, but even she gets anxious about who to sit with at lunch etc. She's just started a year long pre uni course. Luckily she got along with the girl she sat next to on the first day. That first lunch they were heading out and another girl just rocked up and asked if she could join them, and they've been friends since. It takes that one bold move, though there may be a few false starts.
Any possibility of forming a study group? Saying to others (or maybe the teacher can say) that he's going to be in the library for a couple hours to revise X subject on Y day if anyone wants to join? He goes and if someone joins great - it may take a few weeks! At least he'll get some work done! Or joining something outside of school? Though frankly my very social son joined a lot of extra curricular things and the 'friends' he made were only during the activity, they didn't go beyond that.

I think the school staff were trying to be helpful by bigging up college by talking about relaxed dress, finding tribe etc that wasn't at the school, but yep totally get that if someone is anxious etc, a new setting won't erase that, it was more thr opportunity to locate like minded souls but once again we seem to be back in an environment erred everyone knows someone except dd.

They had a catch up for students who were out on a limb, only 4 people turned up and so the event was cancelled snd they all left straight away you couldn't make up the pointlessness of the event!!

@LadyHag
Sorry to hear this
My y12 dd is similar despite staying on in the same 6th form.
She has always had friendship issues since primary and I have been telling her things will get better.
She was briefly in a good place socially between y9 and y11 but it was a big group and the group have all gone to different schools.
Looks like the 2 who are now with her have moved on to other friendship groups so it does hurt her a lot.

I have now come to realise it is more with her..she struggles with making deep connections.
I think she has people to hang out with and she does need to put effort even for this but she craves for a close friend or two and she has never had that.
We were talking about post 18 goals as she has a myriad of mental health issues and the future is worrying her.
One of the goals I talked to her about was going inter railing post y13 exams and she said she didn't think she would be as she had no friends.
It broke my heart but I need to not project my feelings on top of hers.

One thing dd is cheerful about is finding a part time job.
Though she claims she is being exploited she is genuinely pleased she has something now.
Would that be something your DD will consider?
I normally would say clubs but at this age unless they are seriously sporty or seriously good most hobbies seem to drop off.

@DarkChocHolic she should 100 per cent got interrailling alone. It's so quick and easy to make connections in hostels where nobody knows anyone.
I made lifelong friends and acquaintances travelling alone.

DarkChocHolic your post sounds so similar to my dd!

Yes, she is definitely happy for a p/t job and we are firing applications out wheever suitable so hopefully will hear back.

Do something out of school? DofE? Art or something?

Are you sure there are no clubs? Our college has dozens of clubs, everything from music, to roleplaying and video games, to photography, to subject-specific study groups, to politics. They are all organised and run by the students themselves rather than the college. Are you sure she's really tried to find out? The college itself probably won't know what clubs are running as they will just handle the room bookings rather than the actual organisation of the clubs. If the college has an active student union (not all 6th form colleges do), they probably have a list of all the clubs and societies available.

Is there a student handbook? What are other dc doing? There must be club adverts somewhere?

Dc (also asd) was similar. Has now finished college and working full-time but hasn't stayed in contact with anyone from college, he saw college as a means to an end. So I encouraged him to get a volunteer job, they then gave him some adhoc paid hours, which boosted confidence. He then got a 12 hour contract till he finished college (was also a usefulreference). It kept him busy and he made some acquaintances and some who he was friendly enough with for a drink or cinema but these were never going to be amazing relationships (I think that's just him) but it stopped the loneliness because he had time around people.

They had a catch up for students who were out on a limb, only 4 people turned up and so the event was cancelled snd they all left straight away you couldn't make up the pointlessness of the event!!

One of the four needed to say 'Shall we go for a coffee?' Probably no-one had the confidence to be the one to speak up, but someone has to step out of their comfort zone and make the first move.

@YukoandHiro
Thank you!
It's hard to imagine her doing it alone but I think that is the ultimate goal.
For her to be happy in herself and not worry about doing things solo just because she cannot find someone to tag along with.
At the moment, all I get it "not at 16"!!