When teen & menopause & Uni coincide

[TeenMeno]

I'm menopausal - anxious, erratic, self aware.
DD is heading off to Uni - scared, excited, erratic.

We normally muddle along but at the moment it's pretty rough on an hourly basis.

It feels ' competitive ' , I can't listen to music, it belongs to her. Anything I suggest she's alreafy thought of or knows. But she hasn't bought or gathered anything to take yet, talks a lot about the decorative lovely stuff but doesn't actually get it together.

I know she'd get off to a better start at uni if she's comfortable & confident with all her stuff but she does n't seem to move forward at all - bedding, kitchen, bathroom it's all a load of Pinterest boards and nothing actually real.

I just keep nodding, saying positive stuff but explode when I'm out the house.
How am I going to get her out to uni without her killing me first.

My daughter is equally awkward and I am also menopausal. I feel your pain they like to think they know everything but still need our help (even if they won’t admit it). Mine wanted to just go to Tiktok and Pinterest but I said no.

Have a look at this list for starters/inspiration and see what might be relevant. We got 99% of things over two days so plenty of time still 😂. Have a look to see if you have some things at home she could take. We bought the basics and she was looking at non essentials such as a blow up plastic sofa!! I just said thats fine if you want that you can buy it yourself but first off I would have a day or two living in your uni room and measure up and see if you still think it would fit but I am telling you now it won’t fit (she hasn’t bought one)!!?!!

PS Mine does seem a lot calmer happier and less quick to get annoyed with me now results are in, she is organised and she is looking forward to going away off to Uni.

I went to university on the train and had a rucksack and two bags as that was all I could carry. Guess what - it was fine.

She's presumably got clothes and toiletries and personal items already and you must have at least one set of bedding even if it's the set currently on her bed.

So she doesn't "need" to have reams of stuff organised. She can sort it out now or as she can go with basics and figure the rest out as she goes along. Step back and leave her to it.

In the same position. I can either shout or just get on with it.

I just put the dull items like crockery, tea towels, padlocks, airer, drawing pins, mattress protectors etc in online Amazon, M and S and J Lewis baskets and asked if she was ok with it. She said yes and I bought them.

She can learn to be independent once she has gone. For now I am doing what saves my sanity.

I like to think I pretty much organised myself for uni, probably not, but I was in catered halls so no food or kitchen stuff. I took two mugs which I thought was pretty hospitable.

What I hadn't done was watch a bunch of glow ups and dorm reveals.

Sorry OP, I have nothing helpful to add but glow ups and dorm reveals did make me laugh! FFS.

My advice would be to take a deep breath and let it be.

You're both experiencing anxiety. Your response is to be busy and practical. Hers is to dream. Neither response is right. Neither response is wrong. We all are who we are.

My advice is to acknowledge your own anxiety and try not to let it turn your last days together into low grade guerilla warfare.

Focus on nice things you can do together. Go see a movie. Get your nails done. Take a long walk together. Go through old family photos.

When push comes to shove, order essentials on Amazon.

Start with the lovely stuff then.

If she is feeling overwhelmed, do bits at a time. If you’re at Tesco with her, pick out some nice plates and mugs.
Take her out to shop for the decor , and then add in a few sensible bits.
Get a big crate and gradually add things to it.

Let it go. Back off in order to not fall out or spoil your relationship.

If she turns up at uni without what she needs.
Worst case scenario she has to borrow a plate etc from a flat mate.
She sleeps in her joggers and oodie on a bare mattress and is slightly uncomfortable for kne night. And the next day she has to take herself off to the nearest large supermarket/store to buy whatever she is missing.
She realises and corrects it. Noone gets harmed or hurt?
Genuinely, if all she takes is some candles and fairy lights and a fluffy rug-whats the worst that could happen.

You might be able to laugh about it together by christmas break!

I took my DC to IKEA and let them buy whatever they wanted
It can be a stressful time,I had to bite my tongue often,but they do appreciate the support,even if they don’t always show it
I left all the major decisions to them

she was looking at non essentials such as a blow up plastic sofa!!

😂

I've got to watch some glow ups and dorm reveals!

DD hasn't got anything yet. Trying to figure out what a 3/4 bed is.

Today is a new day, I've slapped on the HRT, got my neutral game face on, and am occupied by everything that isn't DD off to Uni.

The four shelves of garage racking I got back on the bus to halls in the 90s is still in service in the garage. Just like me, it's no longer pristine, sags a bit and needs occasionally propping up.

DD will muddle through in her own way, I just hope she doesn't need to crush me in the short term.

My only advice is keep doing what you are doing, nodding and responding politely. My dd and I did a Westfield trip where we got bedding, bowls, wooden spoons etc with lunch and actually it was fun in the end. I gave her a max budget and she spent wisely generally speaking.
maybe suggest that?
otherwise I think just leave her to her pininterest board. She can always buy stuff once at uni and some times that is best anyway

If you have a h and m homeware store near you they gave lovely stuff plus Zara home and John Lewis do a cheaper range of uni stuff. M and s do towel bundles but you can end up with the useless small ones so maybe just buy bath and a hair one

Part of the problem, in my head, is that we are very rural.
Nearest IKEA & John Lewis is a 3 hour round car trip, no trains. Which I am happy to do but yesterday was a rare day, missed, that we were both around.
DD is going to a big city, with all the shops, to pick up macrame wall hangings and novelty plant holders. I was/am keen to pack her off with the dull basics like a mattress protector, a saute pan and a pasta bowl so she can concentrate on handling the change in location without being totally swamped.

I can't face her coming home if the first term is overwhelming. There's nothing here for an 18 year old without a trade who can't drive a tractor.

He may still come round. Maybe its too overwhelming for her and its her way of coping. Its up to you but if she cba’d you can either

A) Leave it up to her and she can live with the consequences

B) Say to her the latest date I can go shopping with you is X so if you want to come that is the date.

C) order online or have a look at home for some basics for her (duvet, pillow, tin opener, cutlery, old mug, old plate, old towel) and she can sort the fancy stuff herself.

D) Draw up a list and go shopping for the things you think she will need. I had to do this for DS as he was a bit the same (he briefly showed an interest in duvet cover and IT bits) but that was about it, it was hard going and hard work. But as his mum I couldn’t let him go without everything he might need.

Personally, I would recommend A, B or C.

Take care