Daughter off to university - dreading it...

[singledadcuckoointhemummsnetnest]

I'm a widower who's been bringing up my daughter since she was 5. She's got through A levels, is off to university in 3 weeks and while I am incredibly proud, I'm dreading the empty house, especially evenings - although not too fussed that I won't be subjected to Love Island any more or Harry Styles ad nauseam in term time. All my friends that are empty nesters have significant others - they're very sympathetic but don't get it. It'll be just me and elderly cats. I'm sure there are many other lone parents that have been through this and come out smiling. Any advice, hints and tips? Thank you in advance!

Join the WIWIKAU face book page! It will keep you company.

I am feeling sad about my daughter leaving and empty nest syndrome starting, even with a partner.

I have decided to start something I have wanted to do for a while, am art class. I am nervous about it, and it’s way out of my comfort zone but feel I need something completely new to focus my energy on. Can you think of something like that?

Hi @singledadcuckoointhemummsnetnest. It does get better, I promise. Try to find a suitable level of regular messaging/calls to give her the freedom she's probably longing for at 18 while making sure she knows you're still thinking of her. They grow up quickly once they escape from school and you'll find she becomes better & better company duing the (long and frequent) vacations.

Please allow yourself a good cry once you're out of her sight. I was just about to start when I realised I'd forgotten to leave her any money to keep her going through the first weekend, so I had to go back after all the goodbyes and thrust a handful of notes into her hand while disguising the fact I was about to start sobbing.

I was a bit luckier than you because my youngest was still dividing her time between me & her mum. But there were lots of weekends in an empty house. On the positive side, I was always on top of the laundry and I exercised more regularly. I also developed an interest in film noir, which was something I'd been meaning to explore for years.

Do you have a garden and like gardening at all?

When I left for uni my mum was at home alone a lot as my dad worked away during the week (I'm an only child), and she said getting out in the garden every evening helped her to fill those weird hours.

Could you also join some evening groups, eg a book group, wine tasting or something?

Do you live in a town or city? If so get out and about and make some plans with friends to eg go to the theatre etc

I would find a hobby that is sociable, if possible.

Join U3A . In our district we also have a NT supporters group that meets once a month and a local history society. Join a walking group perhaps or an exercise class. A great way to meet people.

Skype etc will be your friend and the long holidays. Think of it more as a decompression chamber before she gets a home of her own - but I understand your point @singledadcuckoointhemummsnetnest Perhaps every so often you could write her a letter or an amusing card.

The main thing is she is doing very well & so hang on to the being proud of her part and not so much she is going to what ( for many - not all ) is a natural next stage. Oh and box sets . Ha ha

All best , Basilisk x

Oh gawd, I was lost for about 2/3 weeks. Then suddenly I loved it. Time to find what you like again- book clubs, gym, concerts, craft. I loved pottering at home making things for winter, cooking food I knew they hated or not cooking at all! Then they are back all of a sudden and it's weird all over again. Both have finished uni now and they are here on and off while working/travelling. I don't think they'll be gone properly for ages but the fear of an empty nest has definitely gone now. This is your time, maybe write a list of things you'd like to try?

Definitely plan something regular for yourself. It could be a group or a regular Saturday morning coffee/ evening drink with a friend. I work with volunteers many of whom do so for the social interaction. You need to take a step forward too.

DS who is going into the second year is much more likely to send a message than phone. He started sending the odd photo of dinners he had cooked to prove there were vegetables 😂You will find a way that works for both of you.

Thank you all for your brilliant suggestions. It’s very much appreciated that you took the time to get back to me 👌🏼👍🏼

The before is worse than the after. Truly. Last year, I think I cried every day in the weeks before DD went. I cried once, briefly, while saying to myself "I did it, I let her go" in my hotel room on the Sunday evening I'd moved her in. And that was that.

Join WIWIKAU as above if you haven't already. I'd say in the next few weeks 99% of the posters on there will be feeling exactly like you @singledadcuckoointhemummsnetnest . I was, last year.

And know that if she's looking forward to it, then you've done a good job. Given her wings. You'll be fine, both of you.

I have a partner too but I'm dreading it. I know you said it's not the same and I completely respect that, but she is my best friend. I won't hang on to her for dear life but I want to cry just thinking about it :(

What is WIWIKAU ?

I have a dp but he works long hours, so I am often on my own evenings and weekends. When my younger dc had done A levels, I started going to gym classes most evenings at a friendly local gym. I ended up making friends there but even if I hadn't, it was good for my health and fitness, filled that early evening slot that is especially hard when your dc leave I think, and I got home tired, relaxed and at the very least having had a bit of a chat! Found classes I liked at weekends too. It gave me structure to build other things round. Loads of other good ideas on this thread, too.

Good luck to you and your daughter!

It's a face book group for parents of dc going to or at uni, it has 45k members so it's very active. It also has a website.

It's not particularly popular with MN as it's seen as "emotional" but it's actually a more reflective state of higher education in the U.K. at the moment including the devastating consequences of the pandemic on our dc and the incredible cost of uni to all parents regardless of income.

What is WIWIKAU ?

A Facebook Group
It stands for 'What I wish I knew About University'

It was brilliant when it was set up by 2 absolute heroes but it has rather filled out with people who can ....er.....be a bit ....er....helicoptory.

I mean, join and see for yourself.
It is great for finding out information IF you use the search button. There is SO much information on there that has no doubt been really useful to thousands of people.
The group has grown hugely and there are too few people who use the search facility. If you do join, my top tip is not to get notifications

I was dreading it but you forget you see them so often during long university holidays and middle of term visits that I consoled myself with the realisation that they haven’t really left home at this stage, but rather it’s a wonderful transition period within which you can fully prepare for the time when they really do leave home properly for full time work opportunities. It’s a great time for you to properly explore and develop your own interests and hobbies.

Maybe plan a long trip with your daughter, even if it's 6-9 months away, and spend time doing lots of research?
Also, Oxford University (to give one example) do lots of 10-week online courses in a whole range of subjects (creative writing, political issues, history, etc. etc.)
I also think if you DO find a new interest/hobby, it'll make your daughter so much happier too.
Good luck investigating, and remember to look at it all positively as an exciting time of endless possibilities!

My dd went last year and I was bereft for a good few weeks . It hit me really hard tbh but it did get easier .

All I can say is you will be really sad but also proud 🥹

Weekend of dropping ds off was horrible (obviously wonderful as well) - plan something nice and perhaps sociable for afterwards.

I gave myself a year off cooking! Absolute joy. Rediscovering myself separate from being a mum. There are so many upsides. I hope it goes well.

More fabulous ideas. Thank you all very much! You've made an old fella happier!

OMG that just made me tear up 😭

My mum was a lone parent when I went to university, she said she joined the gym and threw herself into saying yes to things!

I dreaded my son going. I dreaded it for months. My biggest fear was that life would never be the same again.

Well, seemed like no time till he was back (with 5 loads of washing) and it was just the same. We hung out laughing and chatting and we were all just the same.

It takes getting used to but it will be fine.

The bit where you need to drive away is the worst bit, but for me it was made better by the fact that DD had already found a bunch of people to go to the beach with and someone from our home town too. I was really worried I would leave her anxious about settling in. She settled in very well and made friends, joined societies and is doing very well on her course. She has found her niche and that makes me happy for her. Now she just comes and goes during her holidays depending what work she has, what social events she has, and so on.
i brought her up myself since she was a baby but once you get over the initial upset of leaving them, it is just amazing to see them grow at university. It’s been the right thing for her.

And there are many good ideas for you on this thread to explore and get out and about to some activities. I joined a gym, which has been good for my physical and mental health. I would love more time for the garden but I am too busy with work at the moment and I have a few things I want to achieve there. And my favourite thing is quiet time in a coffee shop if I feel I need to be around people.

Be proud of her and proud of yourself when she goes into the next stage of her life. She will still be in regular contact and you will see each other regularly too. All the best! .