Choice of Abertay or Napier (edinburgh) TODAY - help...

[54isanopendoor]

I posted about this last wk (it was a 'would you send your kid off in circs' thread)

Ds has ASD & Dyslexia & quite bad anxiety.

So, he has decided he will go & he will study the subject he has offers for.

He has till end of today to accept a place at Abertay: Computing (but not Games)
Or
a place at Napier in Edinburgh

He wants to go but is absolutely unable to make this decision to choose & has got really stressed. We could leave it a year but he'll just get stressed again then.
I feel I cannot make it 'for' him as it will not be me facing it in 2/3 wks time.

He is ready (he just doesn't feel it, but this is very much his pattern)

I know he feels he 'should' do Abertay as it's the 'better' Uni (he needed all As)
It's really competitive & fast. It has very good support I believe but he doesn't have any independent skills really yet so moving out at the same time is hard.

I feel Napier is safer as he can start in Halls & if that doesnt work out come home & still keep going with his degree (though it would be a long commute of 90m & splitting the week between me & his Dads but he'd save a fortune). It's less 'exciting' but still very good & Edinburgh is a great city to study in.

I've a nasty feeling he will still be frozen tomorrow & ask me what to do.
I'm tempted to say Edinburgh but I'm worried that's just because I'll miss him.
Yet I also know that Abertay will be a big risk & I want him to be able to cope.

I appreciate no one here has 'the answer' but I'm typing it out to help me think & any input is appreciated.

I met someone about a couple of years ago, a friend of a friend (sorry to be vague) whose son (with ASD/anxiety) applied to Napier for a computer course. I remember her telling me how successful it had been and how well he’d settled despite living a long way from home and how well the college dealt with these sorts of issues. That’s all I remember I’m afraid. It was a fleeting conversation that stuck in my memory.

I know of a similar situation that worked well at Abertay. Think they asked for a studio flat due to the asd but got on fantastically well and were well supprted by Abertay. This is someone who won't travel on public transport themselves. Thing is, if it doesn't work out they can always leave and apply for Napier for next year.

Are there definitely halls available at Napier? What would be the plan for second year for accommodation?

Honestly, Napier. If his independence skills are as low as you describe, he’d be putting himself in a very difficult position trying to move out and start studying at the same time, faced with the fact he would have to leave his course if he can’t manage.
Going somewhere a bit closer gives him and you the chance to add bits of scaffolding as needed and gives him a really solid plan B if things aren’t going as well as they could be. Approaching it like let’s give this a go is a good option to start building those skills.
Theyre both great unis and in Scotland so there’s little financial/academic difference.

I would swing more towards abertay. It's more central, the course is good, there is a nice community in dundee.
It depends what sorts of things he likes, but there is a new board game cafe, for example, that's nice to sit in and also a place to meet people.
The botanic gardens aren't too far and free for students.
The union has a cinema that students can put events on in.
Wherever he goes, he needs to make contact with student support, have an appointment with disability services and get his dsa application sorted. Mentoring will help with some of the skills he will need to develop.
And the goblin tools app is fab. Ds1 uses it to chunk out tasks or to plan a meal.

thank you -when 'pushed' he says Abertay but I think thats because he thinks he 'should' & its a bit more exciting on open day (more 'toys'!)
but I don't think he can remotely imagine leaving home.
He did a College trip a few months ago. It was for 3 weeks & badly run (several students made formal complaints when they returned) but it's damaged his confidence & it took him weeks to recover. Hes afraid that he'll do 3 weeks at Uni & 'hit a wall' like he did re the trip & need a week in bed to function again.

I know there are apps to help but he needs to charge his phone & he often loses his charger / his specs etc. I imagine there is good support (he got DSA last year but he got no support till the last 4 weeks of term it was awful) but he has to ask.

I htink the Napier option is safer but I think he thinks he's failed if he doesn't move out & be a 'proper' student. It would also be a long tiring commute on the 3 days he'll have lectures. I honestly don't know what to advise him.

@SuperLoudPoppingAction a friends son had 1:1 mentoring last year.
but I dont know what that involves. shes recently bereaved so I cant ask her.
uni wont discuss details until he confirms place.

Good point about 2nd year accommodation in Edinburgh (I think long term commuting 90 minutes each way each day not great). Student acommodation in Edinburgh is expensive and scarce. There are private halls but think you can't just give 28 days notice to get out as they are fixed term leases.

Sounds like he wants Abertay. Could you and his dad (or other family members) help shore him up for the first term or so until he settles/uni support kicks in. It is further away from you so you can't just go and sort him out of an evening but you could help him remotely. Even a weekly visit from family member or knowing someone will bring him home for a weekend and bring him back if he needs a break might be enough.

Mentoring and study skills support involve 1:1 chats to both help someone work through problems and stay motivated and organise their time, and boost their confidence, and to help cover any gaps in learning like how to structure essays etc.

They can be really helpful. Dsa will give you a certain amount of ours and it's up to you to use them.

I think if you lived in Edinburgh the argument for staying close to home would be greater. But I think if you set him up in a very familiar and well organised studio in private halls, with a permanently plugged in charger for eg, so he can nip home at lunchtime and charge if he has misplaced his travel charger etc etc, then Alberta’s is the better choice. That is because he is more excited about the course, and it will be better and more certain for him to know he has a settled space in the next year than to move into halls in Edinburgh with the promise he can come home and commute. That in itself is unsettling and the commute sounds brutal and miserable. And the course doesn’t excite him in the same way.
mad a pp said, if Alberta’s doesn’t work out he can try Edinburgh the following year. But I hope it will.

Good point, he's more likely to be able to stay in halls for more than first year for Abertay and stay in halls close to class so he can get things he forgot or have a quiet rest, this is what my ASD son did in St Andrews and it worked out. I don't think he could have coped with that length of commute, very tiring, especially in the winter.
As a city Dundee is a bit less overwhelming than Edinburgh too and the shortage of student accomodation after first year is a major headache.
DS3s girlfriend tried commuting from Dundee to Edinburgh in first year because she didn't feel ready to move away from home and didn't fancy halls ( no diagnosis but a bit quirky). She is having to redo first year as she missed too many lectures due to commuting issues).
DS1 also dropped out of a college course that involved a lengthy commute and v early start.
The interesting course at Abertay will motivate him to persevere too
I remember worrying so much before DS2 started but it went much better than I hoped, although he never told us how lonely he felt until later.

The idea would be to commute from the beginning, right through.
He'd have a 50m train journey. Then a 20m bus journey (having checked well)

He'd save a lot of money on halls. He'd get set up in Y3 with a Co in Edinburgh after. He'd have a house in the borders to commute from / work remotely.
If it doesn't work out for him (he's bright but he's also Autistic & Dyslexic & gets very stressed as the world is not set up for people with those dx) then he's got the option (hopefully) to continue with the 1 afternoon a week internship that he's been offered locally (could combine with Uni if Edinburgh, not if Abertay)
Guy that runs the place is very keen on Ds & says it could lead to bigger things.

Abertay would be amazing for him but all his eggs in one basket situation.

He could:

a. rest & do p/t intern work with local 1 man band PC shop plus online stuff
b. the above combined with a diff HNC year (to cover more tech subjects)
c. commute (90m) to the 'closer' Uni (I think he'd rather move out?)
d. move to the futher away one (better, but support isnt set up with 2 wks to go)

My gut is that A might feel like 'failing' to him? (not me)
B might be safest ? (structure of college + potential friends)
C would be very tiring
D is the riskiest

I realise that your DS must have decided by now, but for what it's worth, I'd think Dundee is a much more manageable city for an anxious young person. You could look on line at the transition support materials that there are for young autistic people starting secondary, and adapt them for him (check lists/timetables etc).

If he likes commuting then 90 minutes might be enjoyable for him. However, my autistic DD would be broken by so much time on public transport.

you are assuming he will fail at Albertay.
I don’t think that is the right approach. You should be supporting him to succeed. Have a little faith.
send him to albertay, and support him to get settled and support him to make a success if it. If it doesn’t work, that is the time to think of plan b.

It sounds like Napier is the more sensible option tbh as Abertay sounds very all or nothing - either he makes it work or he doesn't and if he doesn't then he'll have to drop out and that will feel like failure.

If he went to Napier are there other accommodation options aside from halls? I hated halls and found them very noisy and moved into a flat share, which was much better. The 90-min commute sounds shit tbh and will really isolate him from uni life, because he'll always have to leave to catch his bus/train and trot off home to the borders, which means he'll never have a proper uni experience.

@Delphigirl I can see it might 'read' that way but honestly I don't think I'm assuming that? (I've been trying to be mindful that my worries dont' infect him!)
I think he wants Abertay. He wants to move out. I think that would be AMAZING for him. But I also want it to work OK too. He's only 18 & there's plenty of time.

We were there for a further visit a fortnight ago & met his Tutor. We went out for dinner after & made it nice. Yesterday I took him to JLewis & bought him the £££££ laptop he'd need (despite the fact he'll get some DSA towards it if I wait, he needs to feel he is getting prepared to go). I am 100% behind him. But he's not accepted the place yet & I can't make him & don't want to pressure him.
I've told him I believe in him & he's faced loads of scary things before & done really well etc but I think I need to leave him alone & see what he does now.

@cheezncrackers I agree that the commuting option would be sub-par for a 'proper Uni experience' & exhausting to boot. He'll also leave all his stuff on the train / bus on a regular basis I think (recent experience). Halls would be only option this year & its really hard getting a student flat in Edinburgh Y2/3 too.

Maybe it's not so much where? (as I think its Abertay / move out is 1st choice) but when. He could do some intern work / a further HNC (diff area) to improve his confidence before he goes & then KNOW where he's heading with months, not 2 weeks, to prepare.

A year out before uni is never a bad idea IMO, particularly for students who are young, or have a SEN, or who just need to grow up a bit - or all of the above!

So, we've just had a chat before bed.
He said he doesn't want college but thinks it would be the sensible thing to do.
He could try it for a couple of weeks & withdraw without too much fuss if he hates it. He would try a bit of intern work for the local computer repair guy too.

He says Abertay might be cool but he doesn't feel at all interested in the given modules on the info sheet (same as the College ones tbf). He did a great job of saying why he might like it but then said he was just saying all that & didn't feel any of it or know what he wanted. I don't think he can access how he feels - whether that is depression or ASD or a bit of both I don't know. He therefore can't make a decision because he doesnt' know what he wants. He's really upset.

I said I think he is depressed / burnt out & that I think that's not an ideal place to be in to start Uni because even though it is exciting & cool it will be tiring too.
I said that he doesnt' have to go back to College (he's got the level of qualification he needs so would do the same level in a different area of computing) but he does need some structure to his next few months. That could be college, could be OU, could be internship, could be learning to drive, cook, volunteering, anything. He just looked overwhelmed & tearful.

He's gone off for 15 mins gaming to calm down & I'm on here.
I feel like a rubbish parent tbh :( (not looking for 'sympathy', just saying I feel it)

You are not a rubbish parent, sometimes it is just impossible to engineer things for our DC so it all comes together neatly. We have to help them handle mistakes and wrong turns as well as help them choose the right thing and we sometimes just can't tell which it's going to be and it's easier if you can accept that it is inevitable that its going to be a bit of a bumpy ride whatever you do and preserve a bit of emotional energy for the rest of the journey.
I think a year out sounds good, one of mine has just done that and is now moving on more mature, less anxious and ready for the next stage.

You aren’t a rubbish parent at all! I think given that conversation a year out sounds like the best option. If he takes the job then he will have a year of structure and time to mature, decompress and work out what he does actually want to do, and you will then have all the time he needs to prepare for his next stage.
I honestly think a gap year is very rarely wasted.