To be OK with DS not aiming for the top?

[Devotedtomydogs]

DS2 has seen the amount of work DS1 gets at Cambridge and has no desire to apply there or to any other top tier RG uni. In any event, he would not get the grades for Oxbridge/Durham/St A etc - but his predictions suggest Bristol, Exeter, York etc would be feasible.

However, DS insists that he wants to go to a tier below that because he would rather thrive at a slightly ‘lesser’ uni than struggle at a top RG uni. He is not a particularly confident boy and hates being bottom of the class (he is at a super selective 6th form surrounded by DC predicted A stars, whereas he is predicted AAB and should achieve that but not higher).

He likes the look of Liverpool, Leicester and Cardiff so far but also has Nottingham and Newcastle on his list to visit. All v good universities and I am happy and understand DS’ reasoning. DH on the other hand says he should be aiming higher. What do people reckon?

This again?

Mistaken is probably a kinder term to use than deluded for a 16/17 year old, and the context of this thread.

Hate to sound brutal but you started it a bit with your talk about tiers. If he is targeting eg Liverpool, Newcastle , Nottingham etc, he is aiming ( appropriately) high on ABB/ AAB grades...

I think it is up to your son. Don't pressurise him in any way, he knows himself.

You'll find his confidence will grow and no doubt do very well in life later on.

I presume the way you’re ranking these universities is very specific to the course your DS wants to do? Because it doesn’t make sense otherwise, you’re just listing some Russell Group universities your DS doesn’t want to go to and then some different ones that he does.

Your DS needs to pick his own Uni-by his own criteria-and live with the choice.

IMHO he will do much better somewhere he has chosen. Lots of DC struggle/drop out of Uni for all sorts of reasons-much better if he is there because he wants to be. Your DH had his chance, as did DS1.

Let DS2 be who he wants to be and go where he wants to go. Most of his choices are considered "top Uni's" and a lot of DC would be delighted to get offered a place there.

disclaimer my DS went to newcastle and loved it

It's your son's life and his choice. It's a shame that his time at his super selective 6th form seems to have eroded his confidence so much but there's probably not much you can do about that now, so listen to him and respect his feelings.

Bar oxbridge I think the subject has more bearing on the workload than the uni.

I think your son choices are respectable, however, I am concerned on his reasoning. In terms of workload there isn't much difference thus, he shouldn't base his choice on that but ultimately, it is is his decision. Ideally, he choose based on his subjects, ideal location and what he hopes to get out of his university experience.

There is no point aiming higher than you can go. Not everyone can get the top grades even with hard work. A balance is essential. And top grades don’t equal usefulness to society or success as an adult. AAB are good grades, your DS can go to a good Uni with those and still be a valuable adult in society.

Your DH needs to be less pushy and judgemental.

It sounds like your son is self aware and knows what he wants and where he'll fit in best. I think you should let him choose.

Not much hand holding at Newcastle for STEM degrees. The onus is on the student to work hard.

It’s no wonder young people are suffering with their mental health when they achieve great A levels and go to a good university and are still considered to be below par. Some of you are crazy.

DS is right. If he gets a 2nd from a good university, it'll look better on his C.V. than a 3rd from Oxford.

Universities grade on percentages, I believe, so the better the top tier, the harder it is to get a 2:1 or 2:2.

Also, it is more demotivating to be below average than near the top. I'm sure I fed a Psychology book bout this but can't remember which one

You are right that he should choose himself and it’s better to do well at a lesser uni than struggle at a top one. But those you list are all good unis so it’s not like he’s aiming for something that anyone should look down on. DD is making similar choice despite being predicted all A* - and on basis of not as good mock results as expected despite working very hard, I’m pleased that she’s going for ones with slightly lower grade requirements as it eases the pressure a bit.

We seem to have a lot of happy bright Uni students here in Bath that I hear chatting on the bus up to Bath Uni. They aren't exactly life failures!! It's down to the individual too , I was internal recruiter at a company that only took oxbridge graduates due to the owners being a bunch of snobs - and there were some very odd candidates , who actually were totally useless out in the real world -not just exam world, so I'm not a fan if I'm honest!!

Your DS is doing exactly what mine did. He got offer from Durham etc but preferred other unis he had applied to. Got A star, A, A but had firmed Swansea as he liked it and wanted less pressure. Had a blast there, enjoyed his degree with minimal stress and graduated with a 1st. No regrets whatsoever. His confidence had been rock bottom at school and going to Swansea transformed him!

I think that the last thing that a not particularly confident boy needs is to feel that he is a disappointment to his own father as regards choice of degree. When I read your thread title, I was expecting to read a thread about a student wanting to apply to universities much lower in the pecking order than the ones you have named. I imagine your DS is only too conscious of being less academic than his older brother. If you want your DS to do well, I think the best thing you can do is build his confidence. I would suggest you have a word with your DH about this.

If your DS is set to achieve AAB why would he be looking at top tier universities? Sounds like he is as realistic as you are deluded.

This is madness. He's at a selective sixth form , so clearly bright. He's on track to get some good grades and is aiming for decent universities. Why have you got a thread about him making it sound like he's failed? No wonder he lacks confidence as you suggest.

I would trust your son’s feeling on this and not put pressure on him. Both of your sons are doing great, you must be very proud of them!

I hope you tell your husband to stop pressuring your son. That is not healthy for your son to have to deal with. Could lead to terrible things. Your son is trying to tell you both and your h is not listening.

The unis your son has chosen are very respectable. Building his confidence, and getting a 2:1 or higher has a lot of value.

That said, I don’t actually think Nottingham will be easier than Exeter, etc. But I do agree, from watching DD1 that uni is easier than A-levels at a selective academic sixth form. At least for humanities.

These are all good universities and your DS should make his own decision. I would encourage him to put one or two down with lower entry grades than these as well as being predicted the correct grades is not a guarantee of getting an offer on more competitive courses.

Also... Durham and St A are certainly not in the same league as Oxbridge, no matter how hard they try to market themselves.
Durham has a collegiate system and St A is where all the posh people (like Will a K) go but that has nothing to do with their academic ability output.

This made me wonder. Oxbridge are a special category all their own, but St Andrew’s, Edinburgh, Imperial, LSE, Imperial are no joke. Students should take them seriously when they are filling out their five precious choices on their UCAS form.

https://markinstyle.co.uk/university-acceptance-rates-uk/