Fresher issue at Oxford Brookes

[ninjafoodienovice]

I don't know if anyone can help but a family number has started this term and is really struggling.
They don't live in the UK normally so haven't spent much time with British kids their age despite being British themselves.
Social anxiety has reared up and they seem just not be functioning when it comes to their course or what they should be doing. My own kids are not at this stage yet so I don't have recent uni experience.
I'm effectively in loco parentis but don't know where to start to access help for them short of collecting them and bringing them home for the weekend.

Look at the WIWIKAU website / FB page for more guidance / support. On the website friendship beacon page there is an OB thread.
It's a very tricky time for all and the nature of the self catering flats at OB can't help if the student hasn't found a friendship group. A weekend at home may help.

Academic here, though I don’t know anything specific about OB.

This can be a miserable situation. Long experience says that when students struggle invisibly it usually snowballs, compromising both their social experience of university and their degree classification. So I am very glad you are already thinking about how to help.

Does your young relative have a Personal Tutor/Academic Adviser? At my uni, every new fresher is part of a small group assigned to an academic taking this role for the duration of study. We mainly give academic advice and oversight, but most of us also function to a greater or lesser extent as a port in a storm. In that role we are happy to steer students to counselling, lend a sympathetic ear, provide occasional 1-1academic support, etc. But the key difference as compared to school or college is that the student is expected to take the initiative, to set up a meeting and essentially to say ‘I’m struggling and I need some advice.’

My School is full of shy, kind men whose advisees are terrified to approach them in this manner. That’s a big mistake. Most advisers genuinely want to help. But a few really cannot be bothered. We wouldn’t want your young relative dealing with one of those at the moment. Your relative should def approach and make an ally of the shy, kind academic but steer clear of the occasional one who can’t be bothered. Usually the School or Faculty will have a Student Support Officer whose role is largely to help students who are feeling overwhelmed in one way or another. Usually this person has great rapport with students: it is almost a requirement. The SSO is a good alternative to the PT/AA.

I would strongly encourage your relative to approach either their PT/AA or their SSO. To do so with relative comfort, they should know that what you’re describing us utterly routine. Unless it is a very young, inexperienced PT/AA, the person will have heard it many times before, and be sympathetic. Your relative might also plan out what to say, and what they want from the meeting, simply because the more control they feel, the
better it is likely to go.

Uni is about making your own opportunities. Could you help your relative identify some interests, and then some relevant clubs?

Best wishes

Are they in halls? Have they managed to go along to any mixers?

Have they looked at joining any clubs that can help.

I'd also suggest the pop into the Student Union as they should be able to help.

Is there is a resident assistant in your relatives halls? If so ask your relative to contact them to ask for advice on meeting people. Dd would probably encourage your relative to come to the mixer events. If feeling too shy for this she might ask them to help her out setting up or sorting food and drinks so they have a job to keep busy and would help with introductions. She has even accompanied people to society meetings/sports clubs for the initial meeting so they have a wingman.

She much prefers helping out the nice shy people like your relative than the party boys that smashed a window at her halls at 5am this morning!

Lots of good advice above. Is there a way for them to meet people from the same country who might have the same interests or the same way of being brought up (given the UK students seem a bit alien to your relative)?

Also if he or she can just attend the classes even if cannot do anything social then at least he/she won't get kicked out in this early period of making friends etc.

I would definitely bring them back for the weekend, and let them know that offer is there. It sounds counterintuitive - like they should learn to stand on their own two feet but ime, and that of friends whose children had similar issues, it helps de-escalate the problem. Bring them home, cook them their favourite meal, Zoom with their parents.

Chat to them to help them make plans for the term. Point out most people feel lonely and anxious in their first term, even though they don't show it, and it is normal to feel this way. Encourage them to believe the way forward is to just start doing stuff without too much expectation of making best friends forever.

Encourage them to make a plan of action - one physical or sporty activity a week - dance class or rowing or martial arts. They don't have to make friends there - just turn up. Then one group activity that might help them meet people who share their interests or values - a discussion group related to their subject perhaps? DS was lonely and anxious in his first year. He made a gorgeous friendship group by volunteering at a soup kitchen.

Turn up to visit them. Bring cake and cocoa. Have a Zoom call once a week. Text them every night. They will settle in eventually. Encourage them to turn up to lectures and seminars. That way they will meet people on their course and won;t fall behind. I used to let DS come back for the weekend when he had work due. He sat in bed writing essays and got fed and calmed at regular intervals. He has SEN and this was just the right way to handle life for him at that stage. If that's what your relative needs, offer it if you can.

I did get in touch with the pastoral team at DS's uni when he struggled, and so did he, but tbh, they were not a great deal of help. The best way forward was just to turn up at things, and not to feel you have to be in with the druggy boozy party crowd if that is not your thing. Seek out the quieter, sweeter ones.

Thanks all for such good advice. Will be looking into all the suggestions. They are in sc halls, have got a decent bunch in their pod but I think it's the academic side and extra mural stuff they are floundering with.
It's not surprising. They come from a boarding school environment and probably have only really mixed with a very international yet privileged crowd. Most things up until now have been spoon fed then throw in a totally different culture as well.

There are loads of privileged students at OB. It’s very much the former poly of choice for boarding school pupils here. I would also look at clubs and activities DC could join. All this would have been explained in freshers week. Did they go to any events? The societies are no doubt listed. Go through them with DC. (Avoid rowing unless they row! OB is competitive for rowing).

I am also wondering if they need an academic adviser to help? My DD said at her uni there was help for those who struggled with essays, for example. Mainly due to DC not taking essay A levels! So look at what the problem is and try to drill down about who could help.

There could be an issue if they have actually chosen the wrong subject for their qualifications. Do they have A levels? Might a foundation course have been better? Might swapping to another course be worth exploring? How much work have they done so far? Cannot be very much. So I would look at the course in detail and see if it really is the best one.

DD went to boarding school and didn’t have any issues at all. Most boarding DC are pretty good at going to uni because they are used to being away from home. They do plenty for themselves at school and have done so for years. They must have made friends at school so they will find their tribe here. It just might take a bit longer. It’s a case of finding them.