Mixed feelings - 2nd year

Auntieobem · 2022-09-15T18:18:41+00:00

Dd struggled last year for her 1st year, but made it through. She came home every weekend, came home for Summer in May (!!) And went back last week. She's back in halls - in a house with 8 other girls. She's just messaged to say she's staying at uni this weekend! I'm so so pleased that she's decided to stay, but am having delayed feelings of loss I suppose. God I hope she's happier this year. Very mixed feelings, and geeljng so guilty for being sad she's not coming home. On a positive note I'll have time to tidy her room here and we might do see her in Monday with the dog.

SeasonFinale · 15/09/2022 21:35

It may be a good idea not to go on Monday if she is doing ok. Perhaps seeing you might set her back. Why not play it be ear and be led by her?

Dannexe · 15/09/2022 21:41

I agree, it’s a really bad idea to helicopter in and see her on Monday when she’s finally managing to settle a bit. Leave her be for a few weeks

PinkDodgems · 15/09/2022 21:50

I agree that you should do what you can to encourage independence, eg by not calling or texting her unless she really wants you to. If my DD had behaved like that at university I'd have been very concerned.

Original poster

Auntieobem · 15/09/2022 22:08

PinkDodgems · 15/09/2022 21:50

I agree that you should do what you can to encourage independence, eg by not calling or texting her unless she really wants you to. If my DD had behaved like that at university I'd have been very concerned.

If your daughter had behaved like what?? We were very concerned about her last year, we didn't think she'd make it through. She wasn't sure about going back. What makes you think we weren't concerned?

She wants us to visit, she wants to see the dog!

OP posts:

Dannexe · 15/09/2022 23:07

I’d try really hard to find an excuse not to visit her. She’s only just back. Can you say “oh we can’t actually on Monday but we could pop up for Sunday lunch in a fortnight”

PinkDodgems · 16/09/2022 00:17

Auntieobem · 15/09/2022 22:08

If your daughter had behaved like what?? We were very concerned about her last year, we didn't think she'd make it through. She wasn't sure about going back. What makes you think we weren't concerned?

She wants us to visit, she wants to see the dog!

Show quote history

That she was finding leaving home during term time so difficult and was coming home at the weekends. But there's obviously a whole history here that you haven't mentioned (not that you need to, obviously).

gleegeek · 16/09/2022 00:19

I disagree! Our dd wants regular visits from the dog/to come home and see him. Talking over the summer she said those dog cuddles meant she had the strength to do another week. I'd go on Monday if she's requested a visit, anything to make uni life more attractive and more like home. It's a good sign she wants to stay for the w/e, hopefully the times she needs you will keep stretching out a little...

PinkDodgems · 16/09/2022 00:25

I'd find it worrying that being at university for a week takes "strength". I'd hope that's very unusual.

Dannexe · 16/09/2022 06:56

gleegeek · 16/09/2022 00:19

I disagree! Our dd wants regular visits from the dog/to come home and see him. Talking over the summer she said those dog cuddles meant she had the strength to do another week. I'd go on Monday if she's requested a visit, anything to make uni life more attractive and more like home. It's a good sign she wants to stay for the w/e, hopefully the times she needs you will keep stretching out a little...

This is the wrong approach imo. Jumping in at every possible opportunity is not going to help them settle. FaceTime with the dog if you want to let them see their dogs but actually they need those times just sat around in their flat to get used to living alone and to encourage them to just go and plonk themselves down and chat with someone else. You’re doing them no favours in the long run by being so present in their lives at a time which is about finding their independence.

Original poster

Auntieobem · 16/09/2022 08:03

PinkDodgems · 16/09/2022 00:25

I'd find it worrying that being at university for a week takes "strength". I'd hope that's very unusual.

I dont think it was that unusual last year - for a group of young adults who had just gone through covid, who'd missed out on lots of the socialisation that they'd normally have etc. There is more background, but suffice to say that I am proud/relieved dd made it through 1st year - lots didn't.

OP posts:

Littlemissprosecco · 16/09/2022 08:08

Do what you need to do, only you know your DD well enough. Sounds like she’s making progress, and that’s positive news which should be celebrated

Original poster

Auntieobem · 16/09/2022 09:52

Littlemissprosecco · 16/09/2022 08:08

Do what you need to do, only you know your DD well enough. Sounds like she’s making progress, and that’s positive news which should be celebrated

Thanks - you're right. I don't think spending a couple of hours with her on Monday will stifle her independence. She's said she'd like us to come - she wants to show her little sister her new house and wants to show her new housemates the dog!

OP posts:

Littlemissprosecco · 16/09/2022 10:25

Sounds like a lovely afternoon!

summergone · 16/09/2022 10:46

I would go but wouldn't stay all day , it's important she finds her feet and her friendships. The more she comes home or the more you visit the more social occasions /bonding with housemates she is missing out on .

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 19/09/2022 23:41

It takes about 3 weeks to get over the first flushes of homesickness. If you\she can make it through 3 weeks it might be easier. For first years universities often recommend trying to get through the first term but zi would say 3 weeks is a good start.

TooHot2022 · 20/09/2022 13:06

I'd find it worrying that being at university for a week takes "strength". I'd hope that's very unusual.

I disagree.

DS2 really struggled last year in Year 1 too. We were literally talking to him every day on WhatsApp persuading him to stay - for the first week, the first fortnight, until reading week (6), the first term etc. He came home often and we visited several times, including an eight-hour round trip to bring him home when he was ill and not getting better.

This was a Covid Cohort who had had their lives turned upside down and hadn't experienced a lot of the 'growing up milestones' of typical 18-19 year olds (A levels, 18th birthdays, leavers parties, driving tests, travel, social events, gap years - all cancelled or curtailed in the previous 12-18 months.

He's gone back into 2nd Year now and couldn't be happier - lovely friends, student house, girlfriend etc.
Over summer he actually thanked us for 'keeping him going' and persuading him to stay. He says it's the best decision he ever made.

Good luck OP - sounds like your DD is in a good place this year!

Notagardener · 24/09/2022 21:49

This has come up before but I used to live in various different west European countries where (nearly) everyone went home every weekend.

Darbs76 · 24/09/2022 21:52

That’s great that she’s decided to stay there this weekend. We all know our kids better than anyone so go for that visit with the dog. I don’t think it’s strange behaviour at all going home most weekends, it’s clear that home isn’t too far away. Many kids struggle with Uni, not all settle in straight away and go to endless parties. A visit will the dog isn’t going to stifle her independence!

Hoppinggreen · 24/09/2022 21:54

PinkDodgems · 16/09/2022 00:25

I'd find it worrying that being at university for a week takes "strength". I'd hope that's very unusual.

For some people it will take strength.
Some things that most of us find easy or even fun are hard for some other people

Chisquared · 25/09/2022 10:46

If your DD wants you to go then go! I wonder if she also wants you to see that she is doing better this year.
My DS struggled starting university - his first term (2020) was miserable and he spent the rest of the first year at home by choice. He didn't really want to go back for second year but did and we made sure we had very regular contact, sometimes just popping up for a coffee (His university was within an hour's drive) and he finished the year much more positive. He's actually looking forward to his third year now.
It sounds like you have a close and open relationship and that's what is important, particularly if our DC are struggling. As TooHot said, our DC have had a very challenging time navigating independence in the pandemic.
And on a side note - I completely get the delayed feelings of loss! I had DS at home all of summer 2020, the most of 2021 and last autumn was hard when he eventually went and stayed. But this too shall pass.

fortyfifty · 26/09/2022 12:38

Well done to your DD for getting through the year and starting 2nd year and settling already this year.

We know of many who started last year and dropped out and are starting again as 1st year's this year.

My DD was a slow burner and I was surprised that she didn't settle as quickly as I'd imagined but I think their 6th form, with lock downs in Y12 and Y13, and missing out on opportunities that usually grow a young person's independence, halted their development. I'm sure had we been nearer my DD would have wanted to come home every weekend but she didn't come home until Christmas and eventually found her people and that sense of belonging at her uni. She's gone back due 2nd year without a backward glance.

Good luck to your DD for 2nd year. You'll get used to her absence once you get caught up in her excitement.

Original poster

Auntieobem · 29/09/2022 20:31

Quick update. We did go through that Monday for a couple of hours - quick picnic and dog walk with her and then home. She came home the following weekend to get her washing done, and has just messaged me to say she's staying there this weekend - food shop and stuff to do. So all going well 😀

OP posts: