daughter is unsure about uni but won’t take a gap year - really need advice

[Nikki3009]

Hi, I’ll start by saying I didn’t go to uni, so I feel really hopeless at advising my daughter.
Since being beaten up by a gang of older girls when she was 14 my Dd has struggled with severe anxiety, she also lost all her friends during covid, so the past two years have been an uphill struggle. She endured the first year of sixth form college, enjoyed the second (making a couple of new friends), and then did brilliantly in her A-levels and has a place to study History at Kings College London.
She really doesn’t feel ready to go, the thought of living in London terrifies her (and me), she’s not great in situations where she might get lost and literally hates using public transport. When she was applying for Uni’s I went through all this with her, but the only thing she’s certain of is that she wants to to go to a prestigious uni but she wasn’t picked out to apply to the likes of Oxford.
I want her to do whatever she wants and I’m 100% behind her whatever her decision, but I also believe a gap year would be useful to build confidence. She’s convinced her mental health will suffer because she’ll have no friends. She does seem to struggle to fit in and find people who want to spend time with her. I don’t know how to advice her!

She could withdraw and reapply this year. What grades did she get?

You don't need to be 'picked out to apply to the likes of Oxford', if you think you will get the grades you just apply.

London is possibly the 'scariest' place to aim to live. Would she be better off applying to a campus style university or a smaller more compact city?

My DD was due to go to uni this time last year but decided to defer almost at the last minute. She also had anxiety issues (although not severe) and with all the issues lockdown brought she realised she wasn’t ready.

It was, looking back, exactly the right thing for her to do. She had some counselling which was hugely helpful, worked part time and did some travelling. She is in a much better place now.

I would also suggest your DD think about reapplying to a campus uni/smaller city.

Don’t send her to London. There are tons of great universities in small towns. I’d reapply for next year and spend this year visiting different Uni campuses, working a bit to save money, and pursing therapy for the anxiety

St Andrews is a fantastic Uni on par with Oxford and Cambridge but in a small (posh and safe) seaside town. It’s also not a massive University and they take the well being of disabled students very seriously.

Royal Holloway would be a great choice. It has a small leafy campus. She will find her people at uni.

Can you visit together ahead of her moving? Get an idea of geography and transport routes. Are there any visit days or could you arrange direct to meet any lecturers? Are there any social media groups for her course and accommodation. You can usually withdraw in first two weeks at no cost if needs be.

Agree with PPs that there are many very highly regarded unis outside of Oxford/Cambridge/London. For me, London would have been a terrifying prospect at age 18. That's before considering how expensive it is. Obviously I don't know your daughter but from what you've said I think considering a campus uni might be a good idea or one in a town or smaller city.

What grades did she get in what subjects?

York might suit her. Lovely town but a campus based university's so less hustle and bustle.

I agree with @TeenDivided , you don't need to be picked out to apply to Oxford or Cambridge.

I was going to suggest York too. Or Warwick. Both campus universities with strong History departments.

No one has friends when they first go, ie everyone is in the same boat.

What would she usefully do with a gap year.

Well as my username says I grew up in London and it isn’t that scary it’s really a collection of villages. The centre is quite small and walkable. parts of London eg Hampstead or Greenwich feel like a village where you can go to get out of the busy city. They’ve really improved the cycle routes. If her accommodation is central she will be able to walk or cycle. Almost all unis have well-being sessions for first years now which are usually drop in tea and cake type socials so those with anxiety or struggling to make friends are supported. They are popular and lots go. DS had ‘houseparents’ who were second years assigned to help first years settle in. I think it is true that in London non campus unis you may have to make more effort socially but equally there is a lot more going on so likely to be groups to suit everyone. I also think you can reinvent yourself at uni. Both me and my ds are shy and found it much easier to make friends at uni than we did at school. Does she have particular interests so could join a society or could she get a part-time job eg uni bar / ticket office etc where she could have a familiar group. There is also counselling easily avail at uni. There is a financial cost to putting it off a year because of the changes to student loans. The best time to look round London is early Sunday morning before shops open at 11/12. The roads around Kings and the City will be deserted on a Sunday and you can hire a bike or walk and cover a lot of ground without any crowds. Remember that many kids go to school in London and travel solo from age 11 so it’s not as scary as you may think. A quiet place near Kings is Lincoln’s Inn - you will find there are lots of quiet sanctuaries tucked behind the mayhem.

London can def be a scary place.

As pp have said I would advise her to cancel and reapply next year to a campus university eg Royal Holloway, Keele, Warwick, York where I imagine you find a large family atmosphere and easier to fit in. Also she will be able to walk or cycle almost everywhere.

London will also be astronomically expensive. Friends I know who went there had a very different experience to what I had.

finding the right kind of accommodation is also important, I would suggest catered halls as meals are a very important social activity.

and in the meantime stay at home and get a job to increase her social confidence. She can always do a bit of travelling in a few months time if she fancies.

NB There may be financial implications of reapplying as I think the student loan system is changing?

I would be careful at following some advice here @Nikki3009

Firstly, you are right about schools selecting DC for Oxbridge entry as extra tests, submission of work and early entry all have to be considered. Therefore schools tend to look at possible candidates. Plus there might be an interview. You don’t “just apply”. It ends up being a very different process.

However, regarding Kings. Well done to get in. It’s important to know what hall of residence has she got. You have to realise that higher numbers of London students are from overseas but where she lives will matter. I would possibly try and defer but London is not that big of you just travel in and out to university. Also if she wanted Kings, she wanted Kings. She did know it was London.Perhaps she’s not anxious about it and sees it as a new start.

Can you afford for her not to work? If she’s going to have money worries, don’t go to London.

With the greatest respect, some of the other universities mentioned at not in the same league as Kings. Don’t even look at Keele. Royal Holloway empties at weekends. Kings does not. York and Nottingham, Leeds and Birmingham are all campus within cities. However students either make friends on their course or in the hall. That’s perfectly possible at Kings. What you must do is evaluate where she is living and whether that’s suitable or not. Maybe the other option is to defer.

I wouldn’t be too sad about Oxbridge, it’s an incredibly stressful place to be a student. I went and regretted it, I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone unless they have very robust mental health.

Re Kings, it is such a great uni, it’s hard to tell if she’d blossom there or struggle with London life.

If she does a gap year I’d suggest something like Bristol, St Andrews, Edinburgh, Durham, Warwick.

I disagree that London is scary to live in. I’ve lived in a few places in the UK and London was by far the easiest. I have no sense of direction and am terrible for getting lost! So easy to get around in London, public transport is great and everything is well signposted. It might be daunting initially but she would quickly get used to it I think.
No harm in deferring for a year. Find a job, mature a little more, develop confidence. And make time for several visits to London to take the edge off.

The part of the post that leapt out at me is that the OPs DD "literally hates using public transport". If this is a really deep rooted issue, surely that makes London a terrible choice, as even if the DD is allocated accommodation close to university for the first year, she will almost certainly end up living further out and having to commute in on public transport in subsequent years (unless she is confident about cycling and can commute that way). If the "hatred" of public transport is simply born of worry about not knowing which bus to catch/getting off at the wrong stop etc, that can be easily resolved by doing a few practice journeys. But if the OP is talking about something akin to a phobia, that could become a real issue.

Hi OP, first of all what an achievement to get a place at Kings to study history. It sounds like she had a truly horrendous experience so to manage that success following on from such a trauma must have taken an enormous effort, very well done to her. That would probably also indicate she could successfully apply to a different campus uni in the coming year and have a year off to simply recover from the trauma and all the hard work. That said, I would agree with the poster above, London really is lots of smaller villages and is less overwhelming than she might expect so long as she doesn't head for somewhere like Oxford St on a Sat afternoon...
I work with many recent grads from Kings (none in my team were originally from London) and they've universally been very positive about their experiences and are an exceptionally lovely and clever group!

What grades did she get?
If she is terrified of living in London and very anxious about public transport I don't really understand why King's was looked at an option in the first place? Or did the anxieties about London develop later?

It sounds like she isn't ready to go and a gap year could be a good idea.
And then spend some time visiting some other universities to see if other places would be more suitable.
I went to York - loved it. It has a very good reputation for history. It has colleges and I found that helpful as you were in smaller groups - tutorials (chemistry) and personal tutors were also college based so you got to know the people on your course in your college well.
I then went to St. Andrews afterwards and had the most awful time, awful time with mental health. Anything I say would be biased.... but everything is walkable, it's smaller, lovely location on the coast, but could end up claustrophobic if she's anxious about travelling (I used to get the bus/train to Dundee or Edinburgh regularly just to get away).
Durham is also a possibility - small town, college based.

My dd went for campus universities because she knew that London universities would mean lots of public transport. In my DD's case I took time to teach her how to take the tube. We don't live in London but live close enough that it's possible to do day trips and she wanted to know anyway.

I would be advising her to take a gap year and choose places on a campus next time (I'm guessing that she'd be ok with walking and Google maps) My dd just had a gap year and working has improved her confidence. She's a barista so making small talk with a stranger has become much easier for her and she's enjoyed the break from studying.

My DS exactly the same - the year off has done him a huge favour. He wasn’t ready a year ago and I was a bit worried he wasn’t really mature if streetwise enough tbh (but I didn’t say anything.)
Then he decided not to go as the Uni couldn’t guarantee it wouldn’t be online teaching which he really didn’t want.
He withdrew his application, applied again in the autumn to a completely different set of unis ( of course he had his grades already so that was quite easy).
He got a job in a bar which gave him loads more confidence meeting new people and they have him some great customer service training etc ( big brewery chain not Wetherspoons!) and he saved enough to have a couple of holidays with friends.
Now he is off to Uni next week a completely different young man. I’m proud of him, he was brave to take the year but it’s really paid off.
maybe your daughter could defer her place and go next year?

I would agree with many posts saying smaller , campus uni. Also maybe quite close to home - say 1-2 hours. Would second Royal Holloway, Warwick, Exeter, Bath, Kent in the south and York or Durham if you are more northern. Lancaster is also a really good uni and not a huge city.

Apologies I haven't rtft but a couple of thoughts from me...

1. I went to uni in London - in my case it was less from choice, more because I had no other options. I knew no one obviously and I came from a small completely monoculture village to live in Camden. It was a huge culture shock in some ways but I loved it. I lived in halls, made great friends, had a really great time. I've not left London since!
2. One of my friends has a DD who just wasn't ready for uni last year. She was also anxious about taking a gap year as, for various reasons, her friendship group had been damaged and she basically didn't know anyone else who would be staying in their town. She got a job, made amazing friends with colleagues (who weren't taking gap years but who were doing those jobs), travelled by herself for a bit (honestly, could not leave imagined that 6 months before) and is heading off to uni excited and enthusiastic. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that university (even in London) or a gap year can be fine but, to an extent, it's about recognising that this is new to everyone, that everyone will be nervous/anxious/friendless and everyone will be needing to get out of their comfort zones a bit to go on with this next stage of life. London truly is not a terrifying huge place. It's a set of villages/towns all stuck together. She barely would need to leave her "bit" if she chose to (although that would be a shame) but it's truly an amazing place. My children would have definitely gone to London unis had we not lived here and had they not reached to get away. They love being back here for the holidays though.

OP - it took my anxious DS two gap years to be ready for uni (one was unplanned due to the pandemic and other issues ..). He's now finally ready, and going, at the age of 20.
Thinking of him in your daughter's situation, I would turn down King's for this year and reapply with her grades in hand. If they are good enough, she can apply to Oxford or Cambridge. Both stressy places in terms of work, I'm sure, but smallish communities and towns you can walk/cycle around. If she wanted to do that, though, she needs to get her skates on as the deadline is mid-October. There would also be an entrance exam she'd need to do ... but the application process is not some huge insurmountable task - just go to their websites and have a look.
Does depend on grades, though.
My advice would be that London this year would likely be a mistake ...

I think I'd also withdraw and reapply for next year. It doesn't sound like London would suit her if she hates public transport.

If her grades are good enough, which it sounds like they may well be, there is nothing to lose by trying Oxford or Cambridge, and then I'd second the suggestion of smaller quieter cities as a back up: Durham, York, Exeter, and St Andrew’s are all the right type of place I think, and have the prestigious universities she wants.

I do think she needs to overcome the public transport issue because nearly everywhere will have it! Do you always use a car? Obviously this wasn’t sustainable at university. I do think she needs to match her likes and dislikes more sensibly to a university but London is anonymous. No one really notices you!

Oxbridge really isn’t a good idea. So much more work to do and tests. School would need to be inside. You don’t just put it on the ucas form and sit back. It’s stressful, so why do it?

Would she make friends with a fresh start? Think about where the hall of residence is and what her route is like. London unis are very international now. Who thought Kings would be a good idea? Does seem an odd choice.