Anyone else struggling with their student offspring being ill away from home?

[ServantofthePeople]

hi I’ve posted here in the hope of finding support or common experiences.
my son has had what I think are complications of Covid/glandular fever. The symptoms are significant. We went to hospital together at home over Easter and had a cautiously reassuring consultation with the consultant who ordered a routine test.
However shortly after returning to Uni he got another symptom. I was working “nearby” anyway so went to hospital with him - they have now booked an urgent MRI.

I’m struggling. It was a shock to get the texts. Then there was the so-grown-up-yet-so-little thing (he though the blood test was a big deal ♥️ .). There was trying not to show my worry. There was the protective urge to leap into action as a mother just as I’d lost the legal right to do so. There was leaving him and travelling home alone. There’s the usual rubbish about local hospital’s notes not having reached new hospital 😠.Now there’s the waiting for the tests, then for the results...

we are a close family. Ds has had an amazing first two terms and made great friends who are looking after him. We don’t usually communicate whilst he’s at Uni. We only spoke once all of last term and when we did he thanked me for giving him space.

My god this is hard. I wanted him to stride off on his own - maybe have some heartbreaks and dramas I’d never know about. But not this.

I confess I fell apart for a few days after returning - I think it was an enormous shock - like a loss almost. So I’m trying to work through my feelings and only dh has contacted DS. My biggest fear is of him not presenting to hospital if there is another emergency escalation. Actually that’s not my biggest fear but let’s not go there.

any hand holds or fellow sufferers welcome :(

Bump

DD was ill in her first term at uni and it was a real worry. However it cemented friendships for her with a small group who were really supportive and with whom she is still friends 5 years in

I think all you can do is make clear to your ds that if he is unwell he must seek medical advice and ensure he knows phone numbers for GP, how to access emergency services etc.

It is a challenge to balance encouraging/supporting them to become independent,functioning adults and wanting to look after them.

It is indeed!

perhaps we should let him lean on friends for the emotional side but be vigilant/involved on the technical/administrative side?

Hi. My DD at uni had a medical emergency recently which resulted in an A&E visit. She has also needed some follow up care/apppointments.

It has been really tough. When she was first taken in, we drove to the hospital (a few hours away) and waited outside in case she needed us. It was incredibly emotional dropping her back at her uni accommodation when she was discharged later that evening.

She has been to all subsequent appointments herself (her choice), but I have done a lot of the phone calls to the hospital, organising consultant appointments etc (luckily we have private health care). I have tried not to burden her with my own worry about it all by not constantly asking her how she is or whether she has any further symptoms. I ask "gently' every so often. She knows where we are if she needs us, but my stomach still lurches whenever I see her name come up on a call or message on my phone in case it is more bad news.

So I understand how hard it is. I hope your DS gets some answers soon and that it turns out to be something which can be easily treated, or that will resolve with time.

DS had German measles at UNI and was quite happy until they quarantined him so he asked us to go and get him. The following year he phoned to say he was in hospital with meningitis. His friends had realised he was ill and called an ambulance. There comes a time when they have to stand on their own feet and usually they all look after each other. I hope your DS is better soon.

Gosh it is good to hear from those who have been through similar!

yes, I am trying not to burden ds with questions. I was at hospital with him on Wednesday and have just now asked how he is.

DS friend had a lump in his side spotted before going to uni in Sept last year. Appointment made with consultant but not until January 2022 due to long waiting list. When he came home at Xmas, his parents where shocked at how much the lump had grown. Due to being busy with clubs, socialising, lectures, working on assignments etc he had ignored it! Diagnosed as lymphoma, it had spread to his liver and by the time he was seen nothing could be done and he passed away within a month. Aged 19. Although my DCs are fairly independent, I do make sure that they get timely medical advice, even if that means me having to arrange it all.

Oh Dove that’s shocking. What a catastrophe. On a practical level, how do you get to do the arranging? Have your kids sent letters to their doctors giving you access? Or do you nag them? Because for I think for us the practical way (that works for our family) is that his job is going to be to report symptoms, attend appointments, let those here and at Uni know the support he needs and live life to the full. Mine is going to be the scary research (the non-extreme worst case scenario here is ms which is unpredictable but science is closing in on the bastard)), sorting out the fastest route to help (and there is plenty around nowadays) and dealing with the admin shit so he doesn’t have to.

@ServantofthePeople I find my DC's gp practice quite easy to deal with in terms of arranging appointments, getting letters for uni, DSA etc. I never ask for any medical information of course, but they seems fine with me doing all the admin stuff even though DS has never given them a formal letter of authority. However for specialist, consultants etc when DS first sees them, he tends to get asked if they wish to give a third party authority. For university and DSA etc my understanding is you would need specific letter of authority issued by your DS. I really hope that the diagnosis turns out not to be serious

Thank you.
the best case is a post-Covid/viral syndrome limited to outside the brain.
now that’s a sentence I never thought I’d say!

Just to update it was a traumatic brain injury. They operated last night. He should make a full recovery :)

guess those instincts are there for a reason

@ServantofthePeople thinking of you and your family. What an upsetting situation for all of you but glad ds is getting medical attention and send wishes for his full recovery.

Goodness @ServantofthePeople that must have come as a shock. Glad he's doing ok, hope he has a speedy recovery.

Thanks.

it was the local optician who realised what was going on. Have rung to say thank you

That must have been awful for you. Glad he's doing well.

Out tomorrow! Going straight back to college.....

Gosh how scary! I’m glad it’s something that could be treated and he’s able to return to college. DD is 3rd year and had lots of tonsillitis in first year, possible glandular fever etc. She tended to come home at holiday time with something so I was at least here to look after her as uni is 4 hrs away.

How did he get a traumatic brain injury? Was he in an accident?

I came on to say please please don't rely on their friends. They need their parents. And their friends need you to be there for them. 20 years later I am still so frustrated at all the hours spent in hospital with my friend, I didn't mind being there but I was desperately waiting for their parents take over. Thankfully my grades didn drop, but to achieve that I barely slept. And it took a huge toll on my mental health.

I have just seen your updates though op and that sounds like a real shock. Hopefully you will go and be there for them. Their friends have their own degrees to achieve and when a student is very ill they need their parents.

Gosh OP how shocking for you! I’m so glad he is so much better but surely he needs a bit of time off after that ordeal!. Won’t he countenance any rest?
I take it that his uni know what has been happening and that he is using mitigating circs for any end of year assessments?
Good luck to you both .. you must have been beside yourself

I would think most students would not rely on parents for things like this. Many students don’t have parents, or if they do, perhaps only one living parent, or a parent who is ill themselves. My DD was under the care of the children’s hospital neurology department for years, but that ended when she was 18. I told her to register with a GP while at uni, which she did, and she also organised her own MRI scans etc. I didn’t go with her - she was hundreds of miles away. All GP and hospital letters and texts went to her. A few times she phoned me, vomiting and in pain, late at night, and that was difficult to deal with. We discussed calling an ambulance etc, but in the end she called 111 etc. My other child lived abroad at student age, in Kazakhstan, and when she was ill, that was very difficult. She was horrendously ill with what we now are sure was Covid, long before it came anywhere near the West, and before it was announced as a disease by China.

Benji - we don’t know. Drunken head bang last term probably. The consultant did lots of detective work to rule out other things.

longtime - yes, the neurosurgeon has written to his tutor. Quite an excuse as excuses go!
honestly I think he is safer in flat Cambridge near Addenbrookes follow-up team than our hilly home full of mountain biking invitations but only cottage hospitals.
and yes it’s been bloody awful for me! The low point was when they upped the urgency of the mri “in case it’s something worse”.

It is hard. MY DD had an ED at university. I'd have desperate calls at 2 in the morning while she hung over a toilet. She has an underlying health problem anyway (which I believe has caused the ED). It was awful. I get it. She soldiered on though and got a good degree and then a masters then a great job.But the problems remain, and some days i'm frantic with worry, with a permanent knot in my stomach.
@ServantofthePeople if I was ytou I'd get your child to give his university the whole picture of what happened and subsequent treatment. I'm sure he'll be fine but a young friend of ours had 'a traumatic head injury' at uni and it really affected him badly - couldn't concentrate, flunked exams etc. So tell him to get his ducks in a row and make sure he really does feel recovered x

I would have a chat with his university then. They may be able to help with accommodation. But I don't think it sends a good message to him or his friends to not go and support his recuperation. Even as fully blown adults - way past university age- we want our parents at times like that.

I might stay in Cambridge tonight