Ds depressed about finishing university

[puseyst]

DS has just graduated from Cambridge, and is due to start a professional training programme with a financial services firm. This involves further study before work. He's done exceedingly well to get the job, with something like 2% receiving an offer.

He's come to me tonight and says that he is really upset about leaving uni. He feels like his time at university is not done yet. Like many, he's only really had two years at university thanks to covid. He was always a high flyer, but graduated with a 2.1. He says that he was depressed all of this last year and could barely keep on top of the work. He says he wishes that he'd taken the year out to reset before actually working hard for his finals.

He feels like he's missed out on a lot of the university experience, and is sad that his college cohort has now all dispersed.

He says he has no motivation to go into his training programme. He wishes he'd stayed on at Cambridge or gone over to Oxford for further study.

Are these just normal feelings? or do we have a bigger problem going on here ?

I think that's well within the range of normal, particularly for this years grads. My DD has just finished too, but that was a 4 year course so she had a bit more time properly there. She, and quite a lot of her pals have found work or further study in Cambridge so less dispersed than I'd have expected -I think she'd have been sorry to move away just yet.

Where will your Ds be? While I think his regret is understandable, there are bound to be new opportunities - chances are within a few weeks he'll be in the swing of it and moving on with his life.

I think this may be quite normal. I remember finishing university and feeling quite down but I didn't have a graduate role to go to. It doesnt surprise me that with covid he doesnt feel ready to move on though

University is sold as having the time of your life. The last two years cohort have had anything but. I can understand why he feels that he has missed out.

He might find another group of peers on his course and get to have a bit of a social scene that is not overly different to university.

I think it's normal for him to be a bit down about it all. Did he get to attend a graduation?

Very normal. It’s a bit scary leaving somewhere where you’ve done a lot of growing up and the work was hard but organised and rewarding.

But once he gets into his training course he’ll start to find his stride in the next stage of his life.

Totally normal, I remember it from 40 years ago. Maybe take a break before getting on another treadmill?

@Moominmammacat

Totally normal, I remember it from 40 years ago. Maybe take a break before getting on another treadmill?

There's a fair chance he'd feel more isolated than if he starts the job/training and might just wallow. He's had a couple of months or more since the uni course ended.

Normal in normal times…. But at the moment? Normal times 100.

Ds felt short-changed - one minute in his lovely college the next everyone bundled out in a panic and moving back home, not knowing what was going on. Friendships cut off at the knees, too.

It’s such a journey/achievement to get to some universities, and then to have the experience spoiled would bring the most resilient of us down. I remember on one thread I was as some HE person proclaimed that online learning was the way to go and it was “more inclusive” (yeah, nice one grabbing hold of disabled kids (who do not want online any more than anyone else) to serve your argument - grrrrrr).

Still, your ds seems to have found a coveted perch so, as a pp said, hopefully there will be likeminded souls there and fun times are ahead.

It’s normal. But if he wants to continue to a post graduate degree instead of the training position, then support him. He doesn’t have to do it if it’s doesn’t feel right to him. They have postgraduate student loans now, so he could go all the way to doctorate if he wants to.

Totally normal. I still have happy dreams about University 30 years on 😳
If he’s starting a TP now one thing that you can encourage him to do is not to cane it socially and financially so that if he wants to he can step away and go back to Academia. Friends who immediately were on big salaries with big outgoings really were trapped.

Its totally normal. But another year at university doing postgrad studies may not make the experience any better- Covid is still around and teaching is hybrid at best. Postgrad study is also different to undergrad study in a way often with more independent study/research components

Ds said something similar but we reminded him that he has the rest of his life to 'have the time of his life' and yes he's missed out but this is just the start not the end.

If his new employer has embraced the wfh mantra, I'd be prepared for more depression after he starts his graduate programme.

Many of the grads at the financial institution where I work have really struggled over the last few years.

Wfh, and only meeting your colleagues over Teams, when some people don't even put their cameras on, has been hard on them. And they haven't had the opportunities to bond with the other grads that they'd usually have either.

So many people used to meet their life partner in the office. I can't see that happening in the future.

Starting a new job at the moment is shit. Even more shit when it's your first ever "proper job".

Normal. I was the same when I started my finance graduate job (and I did a masters). Everyone said I would settle but I didn't. I stayed long enough to pocket my first bonus and to look round carefully for my next step. Still in thus field 30+ years later. Good advice about not getting too used to the money (a friend felt the same as me but her companies golden handcuffs kept her there longer than she intended).

DS2 doing a masters this year which is only 2 hours per week f2f so socially going back to study might not be all he expects. Could he do six months of the graduate training program and re-evaluate.

You’re not wrong, MrsFin. Ds has just started a job. He has no idea who the other people are. There are names on a list and one Teams where only the manager spoke. Only contact is through email. No human contact at all is weird. And this is a job which two years ago would have been “normal”.

I'm not surprised he feels that way, poor thing. It has been a rubbish let down for so many kids whose experience was not what they expected.
The only bright side is that there is whole cohort who feel the same way, and a bunch of them will be starting the TP with him. There will be a graduate trainee manager on the programme, and that person should be well aware of this feeling, and be factoring in some activities / support to help with this. It may be that the TP will be a bit of an extension of uni life. Fingers crossed for him

What is it that he thinks he's missed out on? He might be idolising university a bit because of the year he spent away from from it. Hanging out with friends, hobbies, parties, etc, can all still be done while he's on his training programme and onwards. If it's actual study that he wants more of, he always has the option to go back and study more, either now, or after his training programme, or any time in the future.
It's natural to feel like this when moving on from any experience but I would guess he's projecting those feelings onto the fact that lockdown was in the middle of his.
A few days into his new training he might find he loves it but if not he can just step out and make other plans. Good luck to him!

If he's feeling that down a bit of counselling might be a good idea.

I think it is entirely normal for your DS to feel this way.

DD's Oxford subject cohort have been offered an optional fourth year to covert the BA into an integrated Master's degree. More than 75% of the cohort have accepted the offer. DD says those who are staying are relieved to have the chance to do all the extra curricular stuff missed out in her second and final year, as well as the academic work.

What is it that he thinks he's missed out on? He might be idolising university a bit because of the year he spent away from from it. Hanging out with friends, hobbies, parties, etc, can all still be done while he's on his training programme and onwards

I don't understand why you don't get it. Being a student and living and socialising with fellow students is not the same as being on a training programme with fellow post grads.

Yes he can make friends at work, but it isn't the same as being a student.

DD2 graduated last year (although no graduation yet) during the pandemic and started a grad scheme. She was lucky in that she arranged a house share with 3 other graduates (that she had only met for half a day at an induction event). It was difficult to start with as all socialising and activities were cancelled. But a year later, a lot of the grad scheme are now going out together and this years intake have just started and are joining in too. It’s not university obviously but things move on. I wouldn’t be surprised if she does do a PhD at some stage ….although she is enjoying the money now. Your DS should go for his grad scheme and he could still apply for masters/PhD next year if he decides too.

You need to work out if he has clinical depression and needs to see a psychiatrist or if he is just fed up that those year of freedom are over. If just the latter then he probably just should suck it up and get on with life. One of my sons was saying those 3 years were the best of his life (he is now law post grad so still a student until next summer though but loads of my twins' friends are now in first jobs - 2020 graduates and I am seeing almost first hand how it affects them all).

In your case my first priority would be working out if he is properly depressed or not - has he been feeling awful for ages and nearly jumped off buildings kind of depressed and needs immediate intervention to save his life - in which case the job can go hang or is he just not wanting real life to start in which case he needs to get on with it as no one will be keeping him for life and it is time he started earning the money to pay for his food and just needs some time to talk about it, see university friends in first jobs and that kind of thing. If he never comes to you for a talk like this and it is a huge deal he admits this then I would take it seriously and talk to him further.

I said to my son in my 50s I am just as happy as at university and that that was not the only fun 3 years you ever have. The whole of life is fun and you cannot be a student forever. My son is fine about it all and not depressed but I can see why some do feel like that. Some of my son's friends are sharing houses in London with university friends in first jobs so in a sense are growing up together and I am sure that helps them - to be in touch with people in that position and my sons see friends some of whom come to our house who are in first jobs either at home or in real offices and talk about it. I think talk helps.

They have had a lousy time this year. I'm sure your DS does feel cheated.

Not sure of the financial institution he is going to but I started Chartered Accountancy training with a Big Six firm back in the day. We started off with a two week residential which was great fun and helped us to make lots of friends.

Leaving university is like being bereaved. I think a lot of students are unprepared for it. He's not had a lot of fun if he's just left Cambridge this year and now he's straight into the world of work.

Is it possible he can defer his job for a year and enjoy a bit more student-y time travelling/working abroad?