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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Accommodation Disaster

23 replies

Charliesunnysky10 · 15/06/2021 23:41

I'm so worried about my son. He stammers and and has always been shy and withdrawn because of this, though we do lots to help him build his confidence.

He started in Uni an hour away 2 years ago and was lucky enough to have a group of friends going with him from his BTEC course. 4 of them got a house together where he thrived and really came out of his shell. He did amazing for the first 18 months, then 2 people left the house as they couldn't cope with lockdown learning. They are not returning, but A and my son carried on living there.

Coincidentally in the other house of 4 which formed in the second year, 2 of them decided not to carry on and A and my son decided to go and live there as the remaining 2 housemates from the new house said they were locked into a 2 year lease and couldn't come to A and my son's house - it's possible they just didn't want the hassle of to moving to A and my son's. Anyway, A informed the landlady at their house they were moving and I guess she will have started to find new tenants.

Then, last week my son found out K (who's room DS was taking over at the new house) is returning after all and DS now has no room. A is still going ahead at the new house and the landlady isn't responding to DS's messages, asking if he can keep his current room - it's likely she may have 4 replacement tenants, or that she thinks the house would be easier to let without a sitting tenant (DS) already taking up one room. He has thought about trying to get into halls but they are double the £65 he pays each week at present, and he's very nervous about going to live with strangers - I'm really worried he'll be isolated because of his stammer and drop out, which would be a huge shame as he was doing so well with companionship in the house of 4.

The other option is to come back home and go in 3 days a week (which is all his course requires), but he doesn't drive and would need to get the train. 2 of the days are 9am starts and he's worried the frequent delays might mean he arrives late.

He did amazing living independently at Uni managing all his own shopping, cooking, washing, timetable, gym etc and it'd be a shame to lose that independence, but it would be a lonely existence if he's in halls, cut off from his friends on the course, and at least at home here, we have a kind word as he leaves and comes home.

I know it seems like I'm worrying over nothing and he should be coping just fine as his age, but with so many suicides in young men, my son has so many problems that he is too scared to reach out for help. He might just be fine but I don't know what would be the best thing to help him have the best chance for getting through the rest of his time at Uni.

I know he's nearly 20, but he still needs help - I guess we all need support in troubled and uncertain times. The uni are overwhelmed with student problems and are difficult to contact and slow in responding. The support is just a series of links and no personal help.

Do you have any suggestions of advice about what might be a good idea to do?

* [Edited by MNHQ to remove names] * **

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 15/06/2021 23:45

They don't sound much like friends, tbh... Sounds really tough for him.

DrEllie · 15/06/2021 23:51

Contact student services and student accommodation at the University. They should offer support to your son. His disabilities mean that he should be offered student halls which may be better than the alternatives

MarchingFrogs · 16/06/2021 07:53

@Charliesunnysky10 - also,, perhaps report your own post so that the actual names can be edited outSmile.

HasaDigaEebowai · 16/06/2021 08:00

Halls. It will be fine, he'll presumably be put with other third years and TBH I think halls are much better than a house in the third year,

Original poster
Charliesunnysky10 · 16/06/2021 08:00

@GreyhoundG1rl

They don't sound much like friends, tbh... Sounds really tough for him.
I agree. They don't. That was my first thought too - I'm so angry at them for leaving him in the lurch. But it's not helpful to cut them off, they might have their own reasons. And frankly, K could drop out again, early in the year - he's having to repeat the second year so DS might be able to take up the room after all, if he's commuting from home, but not if he's taken up a tenancy, However, I don't think it's useful for DS to be hanging on just in case that happens, he needs the best opportunity we can find with him right now to keep him settled on the course - it's a difficult course and he doesn't need further disruption - many of those students had NO accommodation issues when they dropped out, yet they still did.
OP posts:
HasaDigaEebowai · 16/06/2021 08:04

Honestly, halls will be fine and good fun. He'll meet new people and it's easier in many ways to do so because everyone is in the same position. I think you're probably worrying more because he didn't have to make friends the first time around given that he went with a group from school.

HasaDigaEebowai · 16/06/2021 08:05

Plus he may well be given supervisory responsibilities if he's one of a few third years on a fresher corridor (which again helps to break the ice with people)

Original poster
Charliesunnysky10 · 16/06/2021 08:05

[quote MarchingFrogs]@Charliesunnysky10 - also,, perhaps report your own post so that the actual names can be edited outSmile.[/quote]
They should but they aren't and I that's why I'm having to ask for help on his behalf - They say they are overwhelmed and just send links to read. They offer no practical, personal help.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 16/06/2021 08:07

Op I mean this gently but his stammer is going to impact his working life , that’s only a year away, so it would be best for him to now go into halls or another house share and continue to live independently, he can still hang out with his mates, but build his confidence. He’s done so well coming home now would be defeatist. If he finds he can’t manage it ge can always move home.

Original poster
Charliesunnysky10 · 16/06/2021 08:13

@HasaDigaEebowai

Honestly, halls will be fine and good fun. He'll meet new people and it's easier in many ways to do so because everyone is in the same position. I think you're probably worrying more because he didn't have to make friends the first time around given that he went with a group from school.
He just keeps his head down - he doesn't want to stand out because he stammers, he wanted to be in the close knit of friends, not on his own. I know I sound really negative, but I've known him well all his life. Also they cost double what he pays now and are cramped except for communal areas which he may not feel he can use. My experience of Hall was noisy and disrupting, having my food nicked - I'm worried he'll be the same. Plus the trauma of shifting all his stuff of 2 years into accommodation half the size will be really demoralising.

I addition, we have to come up with the extra £65 it will cost a week. We're struggling with my husband on furlough and I don't know how we will do it - I work 2 jobs as it is. DS has been trying to get a job throughout but faces rejection after rejection because of his stammer. I'm appalled by the prejudice out there for stammerers. None of the jobs he applied for required customer facing speech but he was overlooked every time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charliesunnysky10 · 16/06/2021 08:16

@Bluntness100

Op I mean this gently but his stammer is going to impact his working life , that’s only a year away, so it would be best for him to now go into halls or another house share and continue to live independently, he can still hang out with his mates, but build his confidence. He’s done so well coming home now would be defeatist. If he finds he can’t manage it ge can always move home.
I so agree with you. It's just a real step down from living at a nice big house with good friends (the 2 that left were really supportive and inclusive) and even the one that joined the other house was his gym buddy and seemed nice.

And there is the financial issue of it costing double - £130 instead of the £65 he pays currently per week.

OP posts:
NewIdeasToday · 16/06/2021 08:22

Sorry to hear this. He should talk to student housing team at his university. They may have ways of supporting students to find new groups to live with. Or ideas about affordable Halls of residence.

Also the disability support team may be able to help him with ideas for job hunting for after graduation that would help him be more confident.

Warmduscher · 16/06/2021 08:26

OP I’ve reported your post as it has other students’ names (though not your DS’s) in it so could be identifying.

LIZS · 16/06/2021 08:28

If he is "employed" in a supervisory capacity there is usually a discount on hall fees, assuming that is what is holding him back from applying. Those under the disability support team often get priority for a place or they can liaise with accommodations office who may also know of empty rooms in private property. Does he use sm as there are often ads on there for vacant rooms?

Original poster
Charliesunnysky10 · 16/06/2021 08:37

@LIZS

If he is "employed" in a supervisory capacity there is usually a discount on hall fees, assuming that is what is holding him back from applying. Those under the disability support team often get priority for a place or they can liaise with accommodations office who may also know of empty rooms in private property. Does he use sm as there are often ads on there for vacant rooms?
Thank you. What is SM? Really stuggling to get in touch with Disability. He says they are not accessible except just reading about them in a link sent by Student Hub.
OP posts:
LIZS · 16/06/2021 08:39

Social media - most courses and student groups have chats on whatsapp etc.

Original poster
Charliesunnysky10 · 16/06/2021 08:40

@Warmduscher

OP I’ve reported your post as it has other students’ names (though not your DS’s) in it so could be identifying.
Thank you. I did tjis too. I hope Mumsnet don't delete my post though as the replies are really helpful. Hopefully they will just redact the names. They aren't the real names of course. I used different ones just so it didn't get confusing for the reader
OP posts:
Original poster
Charliesunnysky10 · 16/06/2021 08:41

@LIZS

Social media - most courses and student groups have chats on whatsapp etc.
Ah yes. He doesnt get involved in SM. He just has a watsapp group with his friends.
OP posts:
Warmduscher · 16/06/2021 09:09

They aren't the real names of course. I used different ones just so it didn't get confusing for the reader

That’s the right thing to do but you need to make it clear in your OP that they aren’t the students’ real names.

YouLookSoCool · 16/06/2021 17:02

With regard to the halls being more expensive, presumably the cost includes bills etc which he'd be paying extra for in a shared house? Does the cost also include food? In which case maybe not so bad.

Otherwise, if he doesn't feel confident asking around or searching on social media and is getting little help from uni, perhaps staying at home and travelling in 3 days is not such a bad idea. Not ideal but better than him dropping out through lack of other suitable options.

Original poster
Charliesunnysky10 · 16/06/2021 17:17

@YouLookSoCool

With regard to the halls being more expensive, presumably the cost includes bills etc which he'd be paying extra for in a shared house? Does the cost also include food? In which case maybe not so bad.

Otherwise, if he doesn't feel confident asking around or searching on social media and is getting little help from uni, perhaps staying at home and travelling in 3 days is not such a bad idea. Not ideal but better than him dropping out through lack of other suitable options.

Yes, the £65 includes all utilities - it's really good value. More than that, it was his home. I'm so annoyed and upset that this situation has denied him an onward move but worse than that, looks likely has lost his present room too.

I'm trying not to pass this on to DS though and stay positive.

OP posts:
NewYearNewTwatName · 16/06/2021 17:30

To be honest I'd be asking why K can come and claim the room from your DS. K Obviously left your DS has taken on the room, no way should he be able to kick your DS out.

did your DS sign anything or a tenancy agreement for the room?

Original poster
Charliesunnysky10 · 16/06/2021 23:59

@NewYearNewTwatName

To be honest I'd be asking why K can come and claim the room from your DS. K Obviously left your DS has taken on the room, no way should he be able to kick your DS out.

did your DS sign anything or a tenancy agreement for the room?

No, it was a loose verbal agreement for DS to move into it when K said he wasn't coming back last month. In fact, K is still paying for the room under his tenancy agreement so DS has no official claim. Part of this is the other 2 boys encouraging A & DS to leave their house and take up the 2 empty rooms as they didn't want 2 strangers in and are liable to cover the rents if they remain vacant under the tenancy agreement.

I'm really gutted the way it's turned out. Trying to see the opportunity for growth in it for DS though, rather than put cat poo through their letterbox.

OP posts:
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