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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Deferring to be with girlfriend

26 replies

Brazilianut · 21/05/2021 07:34

DS wants to defer uni for a year to be with his girlfriend. They’ve spoken about how they both agree it’s unlikely they’ll stay together if they go this year and after the year they’ve had with lockdown ms they want to be together this year.

Originally the plan was to travel abroad but this hasn’t panned out.

I’ve kept my opinions to myself but I’m worried that they’ll get bored this year just hanging around and looking for jobs and feel that he should just go to university as he has no solid plans for the year.

Anyone in the same situation? How did you handle it? Did a gap year at home prove to be a good idea?

If you agree with me how would you broach it with him.

OP posts:
spotcheck · 21/05/2021 07:40

It's a tough one.
Is the girlfriend going to uni?
If he went to uni, will he still make friends and get stuck in, or is he the quiet type?

Is he likely to just pine for her and waste the year?

If they are on rocky ground, it may be a good call to defer, and if they break up, he will be ready to focus on uni in 22

Original poster
Brazilianut · 21/05/2021 07:44

@spotcheck

She will also be going to a different uni quite far, so it seems like they are both waiting to see what the other wants to do and going by that instead of thinking about their futures.

They have a few weeks to decide, one week DS says he wants to start his journey, another he says he wants to be with his gf on a gap year.

It really is stressful!

OP posts:
thesandwich · 21/05/2021 07:45

There are still lots he/ they could do in a gap year. Earn money, work experience in area they want to work in, volunteering- I think notgoingtouni website will have ideas.
Things that would be good on a cv in the future developing skills.
Suggest he comes up with a plan.

DonLewis · 21/05/2021 07:47

It's time to trust his decisions, even if they're poor ones. (I say this as a mother of a teenage boy, who is trying to do the whole 'I trust your decisions'. It's not easy.)

Nataliafalka · 21/05/2021 07:50

I’d say no. That’s not a good reason to defer. If they’re meant to be together they will be. As far as I’m concerned a deferral is to do something sensible and constructive, wanting more time with a girlfriend doesn’t come under that category

user1487194234 · 21/05/2021 07:51

Well it’s obviously his decision to make and it’s not like he’s chucking it all together
I would just continue to be supportive

user1487194234 · 21/05/2021 07:51

I don’t think saying no is really an option
His life his decision

Original poster
Brazilianut · 21/05/2021 07:53

I would really love for him to go to university and make a start, not enjoy his last year of freedom with a girlfriend- he even says it will not likely last when they finally do go to separate uni’s.

I know I can’t say no or tell him no but I would like to talk to him about it, it’s quite a sensitive subject Confused

OP posts:
Nataliafalka · 21/05/2021 07:54
  • user1487194234

I don’t think saying no is really an option
His life his decision*

I think you can very heavily discourage and want to see evidence of how the year will be spent especially if you’re then going to be contributing to university as I am. I do feel though that 18 when they’re still reliant on you then you can very heavily influence when you think they’re not making a sensible decision. I would still say no and I do have an 18 year old with a serious girlfriend going to uni in September

Changemusthappen · 21/05/2021 07:57

I would be asking him what hus plans were and how he is going to fund it. I would alsi be making it clear that living at home for free doing nothing isnt acceptable.

Have a gap year but have a plan, start to act like an adult and take responsibility for yourself.

Original poster
Brazilianut · 21/05/2021 08:15

@Nataliafalka

Do they plan to stay together in a distance relationship at uni? I’ve suggested this and he seems reluctant, bizarre as he would like to spend the next year with her but doubts they’d make it work through distance?

OP posts:
Original poster
Brazilianut · 21/05/2021 08:16

@Changemusthappen

They said they’d both get jobs and try do some travelling with what they earn. Sounds good but with covid and all that’s happening I fear it would just turn out to not be as they think it would be. Then they might regret not starting uni sooner.

OP posts:
Beamur · 21/05/2021 08:19

I am going to say I think it's not a bad idea. The university experience right now is rather compromised anyway. I'm not sure how keen I would be on online lectures at - unless something changes with vaccinating young people, I bet there will be restrictions again come the autumn.
If they take a year off though, they do need to do something constructive with it..

Original poster
Brazilianut · 21/05/2021 08:21

@Beamur

I think they’d just end up going for weekends/few weeks l away at a time and getting a job. Not sure if that’s very constructive but then again I do take your point re online lectures - far from ideal.

OP posts:
LIZS · 21/05/2021 08:22

Have they approached the unis? There is no guarantee they will agree and one or both may need to reapply via UCAS for 2022 entry, with no guarantee of success.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 21/05/2021 08:23

I cannot understand what this year together will achieve. Surely it is better to go to uni now, see if their relationship lasts the distance or agree to split up, see other people and possibly come back together.

I could understand a deferred year if one of them was a year younger and they were hoping to either go to the same university or ones close by but to just pause your life but not just to spend the year together to then ultimately still go to their universities far away.

Feels like they are both just delaying the inevitable and I would put it to him what if they have split up for whatever reason by November? How pissed off would he be that he wasn't going to uni and his planned year was completely destroyed?

NoIdontwanttoseeyourknob · 21/05/2021 08:23

Has he got as far as asking the uni if it would be allowed? I know some unis don’t like to agree to defer heavily maths-based courses as there’s a lot of evidence that advanced maths skills decline quickly if not used.

Shelddd · 21/05/2021 08:29

I don't know what to do in your situation. Don't really have advice.

But it is best to start uni right away without taking a year off or any time off (unless it's needed). It's so easy to just stop education and not start back up. I really truly believe based off my own experience that you should keep going until you're at where you need to be (whether bsc, msc, PhD, etc). Rather than stopping to relax or even for career or travel.

I meant to take a year off and relax.. and ended up not starting uni till 25. Lucky still went.. but I didn't stop till I got my msc because I knew I probably wouldn't start again if I stopped.

But I wouldn't know how to convince someone else it's the right thing to do. I don't know how much control over it you really have.

ZenNudist · 21/05/2021 08:34

I think you can put your foot down here. You have to support him. Drifting is not acceptable. Doing a dead end job is not acceptable. If he had researched a career driven option like a year long placement that would be different. Now is not the time to do a gap year unless he finds a charity volunteer role but again, to what purpose?

Taking a year off because you might break up if you go to uni tells me their relationship is not strong so they may as well break up now if they can't survive one year of uni apart / LDR.

I have friends and family who have been together since school and the one thing that they've all been through is time apart where they stayed together.

A better option would be a university close to home but presumably hes not thought that one through in time.

user1487194234 · 21/05/2021 08:39

I am not sure I could influence mine about such a big thing ,they are all very strong willed, but I certainly wouldn't try .I encourage them to make their own minds up about things,and i certainly wouldn't link financial support at Uni (or any other support ) to them doing what i want.

To me the big risk would be if he goes to Uni when he would rather be with the girlfriend,he probably won't make the most of it,come back to see her all the time,or her going to see him etc,so could be a disaster

Middersweekly · 21/05/2021 09:12

Ok this might be a slightly alternative perspective but, me and DH actually did something similar at 18. I had a career option lined up that would have taken me abroad for quite a while and DH had a university place lined up. We hadn’t been together very long but at the 11th hour we made the decision to give up both options and stay together. I’m pretty sure our parents must have thought we were mad. We knew we loved each other and we would have likely drifted apart had we both gone to do what we set out to do. Well folks...20 years and 4DC later here we are. Both of us with good educational backgrounds that we intertwined and worked on whist having a young family. Both successful. Do I recommend it? Well it’s definitely a slightly harder option if you have DC also but it can be done. It may be the making of them. They may find alternative way to get a degree without student debt (e.g. an employer sponsoring them). Sometimes just having a breather and an alternative perspective can actually benefit and motivate young people to do abs be better. I would trust your DS’s judgement. If it doesn’t work out with the GF then he can go to university next year. He has plenty of time to map out the rest of his life. One year won’t make a big difference at 18/19.

Original poster
Brazilianut · 21/05/2021 14:04

Thank you ladies, yes he has chosen a university in Wales and they will accept a deferred year. His GF has the option too but not sure what her deadline is to decide, his is in a couple of weeks and I think if they do go their separate ways they will end up staying together as they have been together for two years and seem very dependent on each other.

I agree with all of you but @Middersweekly wow that’s incredible, congratulations on raising a young family and educating yourselves. This is why I’ve kept quiet until now, because there’s always the exception isn’t there!

OP posts:
alwayslearning789 · 21/05/2021 23:49

"......one week DS says he wants to start his journey, another he says he wants to be with his gf on a gap year...."

I wonder if he wants an 'out' from you as the parents?

Speak to him about the realities of this decision that he might not see at 18, but you can with the benefit of hindsight.

Online lectures might be far from ideal... but the alternative might be even worse.

If there was a time for an honest conversation this would be it.

He can of course make the final decision - but it suggests he is asking for you to help with the thought process.

Good luck OP

Original poster
Brazilianut · 22/05/2021 10:42

@alwayslearning789

Thank you and part of me thought that too as usually he doesn’t really care what I say but the times he’s mentioned it he seems to want a reaction. We’ve set aside a meeting this afternoon, fingers crossed.

OP posts:
SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 22/05/2021 10:58

I think you need to be very clear that there will be no hanging around together with nothing else to do. If he doesn’t go to university then he gets a job or an apprenticeship. It’s not unreasonable for him to want a year out before going to university particularly given how expensive it is these days - saving up some money would be useful. But if he is planning to stay at home then he needs to be clear that he won’t be getting to just hang out and be starry eyed.

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