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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

How to help first year uni floundering DS

17 replies

LuisaM · 19/05/2021 16:01

My DS is first year at Uni in the north while I am home in Sussex. He's doing an arts BA and this year has obviously been tough, he's had little face to face and was largely stuck on 10th floor halls on zoom.
He seemed to love uni life and arranged a house for next year with me as guarantor. But since around March, he has not seemed to engage at all and I believe is behind on work and not attended face to face learning which is now back on. I had discussed with him over Easter and he returned to uni promising to reach out to his course tutor about issues he was having, he had given uni permission to include me on emails. But since he returned to uni at the end of April, uni haven't heard from him and his course tutor is now cc'ing me on emails asking where he is.
I've spoken to my DS and asked him to urgently reach out but he doesn't, having promised he will. I am worried about his state of mind and the possibility he will lose his place on the course. I'm a single mum and also concerned re his student finance and my liability for next years rent.
Does anyone have any advice re how to handle this? I am at a loss. The ball is in his court re uni but he's not dealing with it. Even if I tried to access their pastoral support on the grounds of his suspect mental health, not sure he'd engage. What to do? Such a stress. He's 19, I thought I'd be in the clear by now!

OP posts:
LightandAiry · 19/05/2021 17:28

Hi Luisa, I completely empathise. Would he be willing to see your GP at home? I am wondering if his mood is low and can't make himself engage.

LuisaM · 19/05/2021 17:40

@LightandAiry

Hi Luisa, I completely empathise. Would he be willing to see your GP at home? I am wondering if his mood is low and can't make himself engage.
Thank you. Doubtful as he doesn't seem proactive in any area of his life (apart from friends and cryptocurrency). I've suggested therapy to him but I wouldn't feel confident he'd even attend online sessions. It's like a weird indifference or apathy to anything tangible or positive.
OP posts:
IntoAir · 19/05/2021 18:23

Huge sympathies @LuisaM - students like this cause us university tutors a lot of worry & concern. In the old days, with consistent absences, we'd send a member of Security staff to do what was called a 'bed check' just to see where the student was. We can't do that nowadays ...

You're right, the ball is in his court. He needs to engage with his course tutor, or the student welfare people.

You can do some things to help your anxiety about him: university regulations are publicly available on their websites, so you can go in & check what the regs for his degree are. Most (but not all) degree courses don't count the 1st year marks & grades into the level of the final degree class. But - students still have to pass their first year.

An undergrad degree in England is 360 credit points: 120 each year. But most university degree courses (not all) allow a student to "progress" with a maximum number of credit points failed, or incomplete. At my place the max. is 30 credit points. This means they can progress from 1st to 2nd year with only 90 credit points. (At my place that would be failing or non-completion of 1 module). But he won't be able to fail that many credit points again.

SO - maybe you can reassure him that:

  • it is NOT a disaster - 19 year olds tend to catastrophise, in my experience.
  • His tutors will have heard it all before. There is no shame. We are human, we know people have human failings
  • COVID-19 has meant that in MOST universities there are extensions & mitigations galore, so if he's found the whole (government required & legislated) online thing demotivating, it's very likely that he can get extensions, or have the summer to complete work.

Maybe you can reassure him about all this, and have a chat with his tutor about best & worse case scenarios. His course tutor may be able to explain the specific university regs to you, so you can tell your DS.

But he needs to talk to someone.

We really do worry about the kids who go off the rails, but the impetus needs to come from them.

IntoAir · 19/05/2021 18:25

It's like a weird indifference or apathy to anything tangible or positive.

I wonder if he thinks his situation is irrecoverable? See my comment above about 19 year old catastrophising - and finding university bureaucracy baffling.

His situation is not irrecoverable at this point. It will be if he persists in doing nothing ...

JunoTurner · 19/05/2021 19:01

I’m sorry OP, that’s tough.

I agree that he needs to engage but argue caution about viewing him not continuing to not engage as “persists in doing nothing”. Because if he has depression or severe anxiety, he may find it almost impossible to engage, which is the frustrating crux of why MH issues can be so difficult to sort out.

Of course he should be encouraged to engage, but it’s something to bear in mind.

Thinking about it, him allowing you to be copied into emails is a definite sign of engagement so that is good. Is that for all his academic emails or just pastoral ones? I’m surprised the uni are doing that this soon into the issue arising. Unless he’s had prior MH issues or SEND and the university is aware of that?

JunoTurner · 19/05/2021 19:33

I meant to add that I think @IntoAir’s advice on what to actively do is really good.

chopc · 19/05/2021 20:23

@LuisaM what a worry. Are you able to physically go up and see him and talk in person?

LuisaM · 20/05/2021 10:53

[quote chopc]@LuisaM what a worry. Are you able to physically go up and see him and talk in person? [/quote]
Thank you to all posters for all the kind words and pragmatic feedback above.
I have considered going up but not sure if I'd just be continuing a longtime pattern where I deal with all problems and he still doesn't engage. I'm not sure how much I could even do...my intervention seems to make things worse...he feels I have a magic wand and that my involvement gets him off the hook. But he's 19, he very actively chose this course and university. I also have younger children who need me at home. I'd just like him to communicate with uni and get a clear picture of what he's doing, even standing in the same room not sure that'd happen.

OP posts:
LightandAiry · 20/05/2021 13:50

My son's uni has an extenuating circumstances form online - your ds wouldn't need to speak with anyone, but if he completes it he could ask for an extention. There would need to be evidence, but it can be completed and evidence could follow - he could say he hasn't been able to engage with his work and needs advice.

My friend's ds did the same, wouldn't engage and eventually faced up to it. He took a year out and is now at another uni. Not ideal but things sorted themselves out. If the worst comes to the worst the others can look for someone else to share house next year and I believe the first year of funding is a 'guest' year and he could start another course at year

LightandAiry · 20/05/2021 13:55

Sorry - at year 1

LightandAiry · 20/05/2021 13:59

Sorry if that is alarming Luisa it's just a worst case scenario. I hope your ds engages Flowers

IntoAir · 20/05/2021 17:44

if I'd just be continuing a longtime pattern where I deal with all problems and he still doesn't engage. I'm not sure how much I could even do...my intervention seems to make things worse...he feels I have a magic wand and that my involvement gets him off the hook

How long have you done this?

If you know he's like this, and has relied on you dealing with his problems, he may just not be ready for university. Not everyone is.

But he needs to realise what is at stake, and that you cannot wave your magic wand any more.

He may need some time out from formal education, and find some employment, in order to learn how to be a bit more independent.

LuisaM · 20/05/2021 18:30

@LightandAiry

Sorry if that is alarming Luisa it's just a worst case scenario. I hope your ds engages Flowers
Thank you so much! He has - finally - spoken to his tutor and updated me - I am none the wiser. Vague doesn't cover it. He says he might have to redo the year, he's not sure. He might try and transfer to business, he's got the woman's email. There's so much missed work he can't possibly catch up. I asked him...what's to say redoing the year will be any different? He said "that's what he (the tutor) said" but he feels it will be different as more interactive. Basically he was sketchy and non committal and says he's has to "keep in touch". I will email the tutor, it's all too chaotic for me.
OP posts:
LuisaM · 20/05/2021 18:34

@IntoAir

if I'd just be continuing a longtime pattern where I deal with all problems and he still doesn't engage. I'm not sure how much I could even do...my intervention seems to make things worse...he feels I have a magic wand and that my involvement gets him off the hook

How long have you done this?

If you know he's like this, and has relied on you dealing with his problems, he may just not be ready for university. Not everyone is.

But he needs to realise what is at stake, and that you cannot wave your magic wand any more.

He may need some time out from formal education, and find some employment, in order to learn how to be a bit more independent.

It's q complicated. He has had a lot to deal with with his father. He seemed to turn things around in his final school year though..working, got really into fitness, travelled alone. So I felt he was ready for uni. I felt very much he needed to leave home and not be so dependant on me but seems to be easier said than done, partly because this years been so difficult for them all. He is very much a follower and benefits from mentoring and is great in groups rather than alone
OP posts:
AZisgreat · 20/05/2021 18:51

The time to find a replacement for your very real guarantor liability for next year's accommodation is right now....not at the end of the summer when everyone has already found somewhere.
If he has definitely failed the year, it might be best to cut your losses and have him take a year out now...not sure it will be that much better Covid-wise for the next academic year but hope I am wrong for my DC's sake.

MarchingFrogs · 20/05/2021 18:56

However, if he is going to repeat the year or restart on a different course, then he will still need somewhere to live...?

AZisgreat · 20/05/2021 18:59

@MarchingFrogs

However, if he is going to repeat the year or restart on a different course, then he will still need somewhere to live...?
It is all too vague...her liability is very real 'as a single parent' ....she needs him to make a decision one way or the other asap.
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