Does it ever get easy?

[kaleishorrid]

My only dd is in her third year at university.

When she first went I was a complete mess.

Three years on and I still find myself getting upset when she leaves. She has been home for a few days and is going beck today and I am already finding myself tearful.

I hate wasting time being sad when she is actually here.

She is an only child - we are close as all children and parents are - but I thought that by now I would be used to it.

I cannot even imagine how it is for parents whose children study abroad, or single parents of only children.

I have DH here, I work part time so I am not sitting here alone. I am menopausal so I do wonder if that is part of it.

I do get over it quicker than I first did but I hate feeling like this.

How do others cope or are you all better at it now?

I love DD to bits. She is also an only child, and yes, I miss her when she is away, but no I don't feel the same way that you do.

DD has very few local friends, and spends a lot of time on her own at home. At university she has loads of friends and a ready made social life. I worry about her mental and physical well-being, but as long as she is happy I am happy, and that is what matters. If she decides to stay in her university city after she graduates I will be happy for her. It is only two hours away, so near enough for a day trip.

Please don't guilt trip her into staying at home or make her feel bad for being away. It isn't healthy. She is an adult and has to make her own way in life.

Please don't get upset when she leaves , you will make her feel guilty for leaving. As she is in her 3rd year how are you not used to this by now ?

Can you up your hours from part time to full time? Or do some volunteering?

I used to get upset when DD first went to uni but not so much now. My DS has gone now too and I'm on my own at home. But I quite like just catering to myself, watching what I want on TV, coming and going when I please and keeping the place tidy not seeing a build up of cups and plates all over the place.

I think our independence is growing on both sides. I love my DC to bits - but I like both them being here and not here.

but I like both them being here and not here.

I think that sums up how I feel as well.

@RampantIvy

but I like both them being here and not here.

I think that sums up how I feel as well.

This is a really good way of describing how I feel too!

This is what all that hard work was FOR - to enable her to lead an independent life full of the values you have instilled in her. It’s nature’s cruel joke that this tends to happen at the same time we are emotionally all over the shop due to the ovaries packing up 😉.

I see this phase as the start of a new chapter rather than the end of something. It’s bloody scary but also quite exciting. Doesn’t mean I still don’t want to know every single movement of my grown up kids’ lives (!) but I’m confident enough in our relationship to know they know I’m here when they want or need me and otherwise they are out there doing their own thing.

My ovaries packed up long before DD went to university.

As we are older parents living nowhere near any family it is so very important for us for DD to become independent. She needs to not be reliant on us before we become old and needy.

I am sorry you feel so sad. Could you do more? Eg take a second job or new hobby to distract yourself?

I am afraid I am the opposite, cannot wait until they leave and they keep coming back and back..... I envy old ladies who live alone. My time will come I suppose.

Thank you for your messages.

And honestly I don't make her feel guilty. We've had a conversation in the past where I have told her that if it seems like I am sad it's only because I'm going to miss her, not because I don't want her to go.

I absolutely want her to go and live her life to the full and be independent. As somebody said earlier this is what we want for them and we have spent a long time teaching them to be independent so that they can go out in the world. If she was at home and not able to go to university I would be devastated for her.

She left today and I was sad for a couple of hours. I'm okay now. I miss her but I'm not crying.

My problem is that I upset myself before she goes and waste the time that we have together.

Thanks again everyone

I share my DC with their dad and feel sad when I see holiday time divided up, but then in reality it's time I need to complete a course I'm taking alongside work and will be good for me to have less housework.
You need to fill your time with other things that satisfy you so there doesn't feel such a big gap.

I can relate. I have a third year student and a second year one. I still feel completely bereft when they go back after being at home for a while. Hate it! But for me it wears off pretty quickly each time, and I soon don't miss them all that much - one's in constant contact anyway, and the other provides little news unless she's finding life hard, and then we soon hear from her, so we know that the rest of the time she's doing OK.

I'm a single parent of an only child who moved out permanently two years ago.
Yes I miss her, but we meassage/talk often and visit.
I'm actually really proud of the achievements she's made without me.
She's getting a new couch delivered next week and I'm excited for her, of course I'm visiting the next day yo try it out though!

@menotastic

I can relate. I have a third year student and a second year one. I still feel completely bereft when they go back after being at home for a while. Hate it! But for me it wears off pretty quickly each time, and I soon don't miss them all that much - one's in constant contact anyway, and the other provides little news unless she's finding life hard, and then we soon hear from her, so we know that the rest of the time she's doing OK.

Same here - I hear from her when there is a problem.

I miss her when she's been here but am ok most of the rest of the time.

I think it has got easier although the goodbye each time is hard. It is lovely to see them being that bit more mature on each home visit and more adult each time they come back. I find that quite joyous actually, the wonderful adults they are becoming and I don't think they would develop in the same way if they lived at home. So I use that to help me get through the times I miss them. Group chats help as well to keep us all connected.