First year ds unwell

[LightandAiry]

I am not sure if this is the right place to post this. My ds has been on the phone for an hour at a time, he is feeling he can't do anything and is feeling very low. Seems to have got worse this evening. He said he cannot get on with his work.

I said he will need to speak to his academic tutor if he is unable to hand in a project.

Just wondering if anybody's dc has any experience of not being able to complete work due to mental health - he is stuck in his house and one of the others has stopped talking to him, and has always had anxiety. He did perk up the other day but now has sunk low again.

I'm a lecturer and a lot of students are struggling with multiple deadlines in the next few weeks and covid has made any procrastination and anxiety a lot worse.

My advice would be to get him to see a GP so there's proof of any change in mental well-being and to speak to the wellbeing support in his dept who will be able to tell him.what he needs for any extensions. we have very lenient extensions this year but anything on top of the covid extensions will require evidence. It's worth gathering it anyway even if he doesn't use it because he might be able to use it retrospectively if his grades dipped a lot

He should speak to both his academic and personal tutor, and contact student support services if he is struggling with his mental health. The university mitigating circumstances policy should be easy to find online to find out what he needs to do. He will probably need evidence from a GP or counsellor.

As much as I am in favour of leaving DC to it at university, if he is feeling overwhelmed, perhaps you could offer to look up the policy for him? It might also put your mind at rest.

That's not at all unusual @LightandAiry .

Is there any way your ds could come home and complete his work at home? It can be tough for first year students but much worse this year. If he needs an extension, he needs to contact his tutor but it would be great if he could try and pull through if possible. DO you think he would feel happier at home where he can just focus on his academic work and be with his family? These are unusual time and it's ok to give yourself a break.

My friends son, in 2nd year, is having similar OP. No problem last year but he's struggling this year with whole lack of structure and peer support, poor motivation. Friend has brought him home already for few days earlier in term and is collecting him again this week. Being home for a week seems to help him reset and get on top of things.

How far away is your son? Could he come home for bit?
He needs to contact his personal tutor ASAP but if someone is struggling mentally it can be difficult to initiate things so he may need a bit of help.

Thanks for replies, I really appreciate the advice.

Monkeenut - I've told him he's not alone; he only has experience of others in his house. It's good to know Lecturers and Tutors csn make allowances. At the moment he has his head in the sand and I don't think he will face up to it until the deadline.

Orangenasturtium - thanks I didn't think of looking up the policy....he will need to face up to this as difficult as it is for him.

MrsBarbour - he did this for an A Level project, felt depressed and couldn't make himself get on with it. It was rushed and he didn't get his first choice uni as it was reflected in the grade; he was banking on pulling it up for the exam but of course it was cancelled.

He has face to face practicals and needs to be at un. He could come home for the weekend he is not too far, less than 2 hours drive. He says he feels no better at home, but could be a good idea at least he would eat well. He is just existing on ready meals and his healthy appetite has decreased

Latissi - sorry to hear about your friend's ds. I am grateful my ds isn't too far away not sure he will get on with work but he got low at home and thought going back to uni would 'fix' it. I think home would help for the weekend at least I could send him back with some nutritious meals.

He is refusing to see a doctor but will have to face up to it if his mood doesn't lift. My dh is frustrated as he thinks he's ruining his chances but I have learned from experience summoning being patient and listening helps more. He does need our support to take responsibility. I want him to seek counselling but he said he hated it when tried at 6th form.

At the moment he has his head in the sand and I don't think he will face up to it until the deadline

That's the worse thing he could do.

1. He needs to find his department's extensions/mitigations policy. 2) He needs to get access to student support/well being support.

If he gets help now, he should be supported. It's hard for universities to support students who won't engage however.

he did this for an A Level project, felt depressed and couldn't make himself get on with it

What he really needs to do is get on top of his procrastination & self-sabotage. At my university, there is very good online support for procrastinating student, in the form of a kind of CBT programme they can do. It's about changing his mental approach to his work.

Because it sounds like it's not his mental health that's impeding his work, but rather not engaging with his work that's making him anxious. He needs to find a way to develop better work practices and habits, and student support services can help him with that.

According to my 2 requests for extensions are being treated extremely sympathetically this year

I agree with contacting the GP but he also needs to contact his personal tutor. If he can't face talking to his tutor then an email giving the tutor permission to speak to you is an idea, as long as he is happy with you 'interfering'.

I'm struggling too and I'm 50 doing another degree for fun.

Sorry if the next bit is condescending I don't know how much you know about uni terminology so I'm writing the idiot's guide.

He may be able to get an extension (more time) from the tutor with medical evidence. If he doesn't get an extension then he needs to hand in what he has done.

He also needs to fill in the form for 'exceptional circumstances' or 'extenuating circs' or 'mitigating circs', the way the uni handle this depends on the uni rules and regs but it can mean more time, it often means that you can hand the work in as a resit / resubmission but it is classed as a first submission. So he would be handing in at the end of the year or even after summer.

He can also contact his SU for advice and he might be able to get some counseling. This is the term where most first years have a wobble, usually just after Xmas is very common. Uni counselling is different to VI form so worth a try.

If he can get the forms / emails today could he come home this evening? Have a weekend completely free of uni, home cooked food, reconnect with you, sleep in his old room etc. Just have a couple of days to breathe.

Thanks for further replies - I am very relieved to say he has got on with his project and handed it in. But mood is up and down very much.

It transpires he is unhappy in his accommodation and even talked about withdrawing from university altogether despite getting good grades on his course. Either that or doing the adapted practical element of the course online at home, then going back in September to different accommodation or even changing universities.

He is due for a house share next year with the people in his current accommodation but doesn't want to do it. He feels they have made firmer friends with each other and he is left out most of the time.

I tried to tell him there will be opportunities to meet others after Easter, but he feels he won't find anybody else to hang out with. He has always struggled to make friends, but I don't think he has any real problems just very unwilling to reach out to anybody, always waits for others to make arrangements and won't join in with socieities.

He did say he would contact someone at university wellbeing, but wouldn't say when. Anyway he is home tomorrow and I hope being away from the situation will give him some perspective.

sashh don't blame you for doing a degree for fun - I was a mature student and loved it. I was thinking of doing an OU degree for the mental stimulation.

As you say many others are having a wobble thank you that has reassured me. I am one of many parents just gutted for them but I saw a lad he went to school with who is unemployed and sad, just a bad time for young people.

but I don't think he has any real problems just very unwilling to reach out to anybody, always waits for others to make arrangements and won't join in with socieities.

He may need some fairly straightforward advice about how to be more sociable. On the one hand he feels left out of house/flat friendships, but on the other, he doesn’t reach out to others or make an attempt to find like-minded people. Or at least pursue a hobby in company of others who enjoy doing the same thing.

I was paralysingly shy till I was about 25. But I’d been brought up in a time when shyness wasn’t pathologiised as social anxiety and I was taught excellent manners. My parents didn’t push me further than I could bear, but they did push me to get over my shyness; it was seen as quite a selfish or self-regarding thing and I was taught to take an interest in others - via the standard good manners of having bits of small talk and so on.

It meant that I became genuinely interested in other people and talking to them about them also took the attention away from me.

So I got over my shyness through becoming genuinely interested in other people.

Your DS seems to want to have friends but he’s not making an effort to connect to others. It sounds like he good fo with some strong nudging - it’ll make his life more pleasant.

Because we all know that wherever we go, we take ourselves with us. A change of accommodation won’t make any difference unless your DS develops some strategies to reach out to and be interested in getting to know people.

Exactly Meltsaway completely agree. Wouldn't call him selfish or self regarding but lonely and sad. I want him to try university counselling and take things step by step.

He definitely needs to seek support. Dd stuck her head in the sand last year and didn’t tell anyone (inc me) and just stopped doing any work/stopped attending online lectures and failed the year.

If she had spoken to tutors, etc she could have got extensions and possibly passed. She was seeing the GP so could have provided evidence.

I hope your dd is ok Corvid will she start again somewhere else?

She started back at the same uni last month to finish first year. Had her first face to face session today and said the rest of the seminar group ignored her. 😢

Oh I hope she is OK. It's not as if she can ask anyone for coffee afterwards but I forget how difficult they find something that seems so normal to me when trying to make friends. I hope next term things open up and she can join a group.

Yes hopefully.

Hope your ds gets support. I think the student wellbeing teams are normally good. Obviously lock down isn’t helping. Fingers crossed when a bit more stuff opens up in May it might be better. Even being able to meet people outside from next week will be an improvement. But sadly most of the academic year will be over.

Glad he is taking some action OP

@CovidCorvidid I've encountered some bitches in my time at uni, it is not the end of the world even if it feels like it.

I was a mature student and loved it. I was thinking of doing an OU degree for the mental stimulation.

Off topic, if you pick a STEM subject and study part time you can get student loans for the fees.