Second Year Student Mental Health

[SmithfamilyRobinson]

Hand hold and strategies gratefully received.

DS19 is in 2nd Year of Uni. He is at home with us currently. He has been sleeping and sleeping and sleeping since Dec when we picked him up. We've been tippy toing around and giving him space; turning a blind eye to the nocturnal gaming/esports because this is how young people are getting together. Myself and DH have been making the effort to get some fresh air and exercise which has crystallized how much better you feel by getting outside. We have been trying to get DS out too (hasn't left house for weeks). Then when I suggested taking him back to his digs (against gov advice I know) because there seemed little point in being here, first he appeared to perk up before going into crisis... within 48 hours we discovered he hadn't handed in any of his 3 assignments (he told us that he'd handed one in and one was half complete) due in mid January. He started off telling us he wanted to retake the year. Then he said he wanted to drop out completely. We had a discussion about not catastrophising and to contact the university to discuss what to do which he has done. This help will be online and within the next few weeks or so. We asked him to try and get up incrementally earlier to get some sunlight - he agreed but hasn't complied (he's taking vitamin D though). Term started last week; DS attended the 3 hours. This week he has slept through despite being repeatedly reminded...
In our discussion with him about what to do I discovered that his negative pattern of thought is very extensive so not only does he have low mood, he doesn't enjoy anything about his life, he has no friends, he doesn't like his course etc. Only some of this is true and there are options re course etc. But he seems very unwell. He hasn't reached out to any of his friends/flatmates so I can imagine he is quite lonely.
He has refused to speak to the GP although he has messaged them about some of the physical symptoms he is experiencing - insomnia and stomach cramps.
I have organised some private CBT sessions for him through a referral from a friend starting tomorrow.
Do we just let this run its course?
I am thinking to be in a negotiating position with the uni he will need a doctor's note? I am mad that he might end up paying for a whole year's fees and accommodation costs with nothing to show for it - and he's signed a contract for another house for next year! He really does seem unwell and unable to function; possibly uni would be more preferable than dropping out completely and getting a job!
WWYD?

Hard one. I feel for you OP. I’m hesitant to advise as there’s no one size fits all, and I wouldn’t want to suggest something that makes things worse.

However I gave some personal experience of this so this is what I would do based on what you’ve said about your son.

I would gently ignore his talk of dropping out and deferring - don’t get into a discussion about it, say he should reevaluate in April/May after trying the following few things.

Take him to the GP to discuss his health so there a record if you need it, Anti-depressants may be a good thing to try? It may give him the boost he needs to help himself.

I’d then get him back as soon as possible so he’s in his university routine. Him perking up at your suggestion to do that before is positive. The “crash” will be because he had to face the music about not having done work. But he’s done that now, tell him the hard part is over and praise him for facing his fears and being honest. Praise him fir his engagement this week.

Get him going back and accessing the university support and see how he gets on. It’s easy to think you don’t like your friends & flatmates when you don’t see them. He may find he actually doesn’t, or he may find he was dwelling on the negatives about them as a misaligned coping strategy.

After all this, in April/May he can re-evaluate whether he wants to drop out. You’ll have the evidence of the doctor’s meeting and his attempts at trying to re-engage.

However if he continues to slide then of course you may need to intervene more dramatically.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post.
It's hard to take time and think about everything and not rush into decisions. I also don't buy into no friends at all; his flatmates seem nice and before Christmas they were cooking meals and socialising in their bubble.
He's studying a very zeitgeisty subject and been glued to Twitter for Brexit/covid so easy to lose perspective. I was really surprised that it took so long to get out of him the lack of completing his assignments. And worried about his sudden dislike for the subject.
Just as I fired off my post I checked Facebook and his uni have a friends and guardians group which had only just linked to a wealth of mental health related websites/numbers including a Young Minds parents section which sounds hopeful/helpful in supporting us as well as him.

Worth getting him to contact the uni mental support team - even if he's getting private therapy it's worth putting him on their radar in case there's anything they can do as an intermediary between him and the academic staff. I think falling out of love with the subject is quite natural at this point with how much of a bloody slog it's been this year with online learning - I'm at the same point in a course I absolutely adore - but gawd it's taking every ounce of motivation out of me to keep plugging on at the moment... online learning is just frustration piled on disengagement.

Uni are being incredibly supportive - but you have to go bring the issues TO them rather than expecting them to come to you - I've had modules rearranged to even out my work load, but I still had to make that first step myself.