Wish I could make it better... advice please

[Roberts1983]

My daughter has started in uni in a lockdown area. They’re being encouraged to socialise only with flat mates.
She was getting on really well with all of her flat (3 girls 4 boys), but there was one who was particularly hostile saying mean comments to a few of them under her breath.
This girl is now directing most (not all) of the comments to my daughter and the other girl is joining in. They laugh whenever she talks, mimic her and laugh. Last night mean girl said she hates vegetarians...and coughed and said my daughters name. My daughter isn’t an outspoken vegetarian, she just doesn’t like meat.
She is also mean to two of the boys telling them they’re boring and insisting one is gay even though he’s told her he’s straight.
My daughter hates conflict. She doesn’t want to move flats as really likes the rest of the flat. She’s gutted because she’s tried numerous times with the girls and really wanted to get on with them, I guess they just don’t like her.
My daughter is super down from this. The boys asked her if she was ok and she admitted she was upset and didn’t know what she was doing wrong. They said they felt the same.
I know she’s a grown up now, but she’s still my baby girl. What advice should I give to her? I’m proud she’s wanting to stick at it, but gutted to see her so down.

My friend's daughter is in a similar situation - if your dd is not comfortable can one of the boys tell this bully to do one - if they all stick together she will have to back down. Nasty piece of work. Only since l got older have l found the courage to stand up to people like that.

Thanks so much for your reply. I think you’re right - we’re trying to encourage her to ask what she’s done to upset them. She just messaged to say one boy has just confronted them by asking them what they’re laughing at and they looked at each other and the mean one smiled slyly at my daughter. I wish she would have your courage. Hope your friends daughter is ok. x

Ignore the girls - have fun with the boys! Go out with them, come back laughing and joking, play board games and watch films with them, cook with them, become the in-crowd the girls are jealous of.

Oh this is horrible, kids can be so mean. I feel for you as there is not to much you can do, it's good your dd feels able to talk to you though. Would your dd have the confidence to ask them what she has done to upset them? Even though it does not sound like she has it can be a good way to start. I bet it will all change again and they will start picking on someone else.

It's really tough as she can't get away from them either. I don't know what advise would help, I know what I would say but that's the benefits of age! Girls friendships seem to go like this or my dd did. I hope it improves for your poor dd.

Thanks so much for your replies titchy and Rupertpenrysmistress. I’ll encourage her to do both...I was wondering if it was worth them talking about it as a flat as it’s making three of them at least utterly miserable. I’ll suggest it and see what she thinks. If not, or if they don’t respond well will encourage her to have a thick skin and follow your advice titchy.
Thanks so much for the support. I’m gutted for her :(

Oh my word.
I agree with titchy.
Sounds like she’s got a supportive group of lads there . I always say to dd “ go where the nice people are”
Mean girl would hate to see your dd and the boys become a fun group of 5 so would hopefully promptly snap out of the vileness.

Oh that has made me so sad. Why are some people so mean? 😪
It's great that your daughter has opened up to you, and also feels confident with confiding in the boys. I think as others have said, forming a bond with them and having fun is probably the best way forward. Even if this girl does turn her behaviour around, unfortunately she's shown her true colours and doesn't sound to be a nice, genuine person who deserves the company of your daughter. It must be hard living in an environment where there is obviously going to be an atmosphere, but I would highly suggest telling your daughter to distance herself as much as possible from the negativity, and to stay positive for her own wellbeing. She deserve to be treated better than this, and once she takes control of the situation, she will be. Such a horrible experience for her right now, but remind her to stay strong, and that this situation is temporary.

Sorry I don’t know the answers but my daughter had this. She had 3 girls (including her) and 2 boys in her flat and one girl took against her. The boys were nice boys, and my daughter is a very straight forward non bitchy girl on got on great with them but kept themselves to themselves. One of the girls was on her course and she got on well with her. However the not so nice girl was also friends with the other girl and made sure she was “better” friends, saying nasty things about my daughter all the time and leaving her out. They also organised a flat share for the following year of all the girls in that flat and the opposite flat and excluded her. The girl on my daughter’s course was never nasty to her but didn’t stand up for her either. The flat share went ahead and there was upset that my daughter had no one to share with (all this talk takes place just before Xmas so before they have found many friends outside their flat). This got sorted by a girl my daughter knew from band practice looking for a third person. Then not so nice girl stopped attending course and finally left uni, leaving the other girls without the person they needed to fill the house they had rented. My daughter is now 26 and a solicitor. I still hate that girl. At the time I didn’t know what to do for the best and the situation resolved itself. My daughter didn’t want to complain to anyone and make waves. However, I’ve since read that there are people to contact if anyone has problems with people in their flat. Especially bullying must be taken seriously. Can she not contact whoever she needs to? Sorry for the long response!

And from my experience, I'd guess your daughter has done nothing whatsoever wrong. The mean girl is trying to assert her dominance, and make sure she and the other girl have a closer bond, so she's never the "3rd wheel" in the friendship. She has well and truly placed herself topdog, and will probably expect the other girl and your daughter to go out of their way to fight for her friendship, and she will never have to worry about what she does/says, as she's already shown that she isn't to be messed with... Seen it a million times. Girls especially can be so so mean. Absolute best thing your daughter can do, is take it all with a pinch of salt, create distance, stay polite, but bow away from having any meaningful relationship with her, as this girl is likely to try and pull the strings and expect to be treated like a queen in return for her "friendship". It will go on and on. This is a perfect example of a typical dominant mean girl, just by these early interactions your daughter has endured.

That's rotten.

I think suggesting that they all talk it out together as a flat is a good idea.

It's absolutely not your daughter's fault.

My DS has just started Uni too, and I think he'd have the sensitivity to notice if one girl is being a bitch and to stick up for the other one. Boys can be a lot more straightforward to deal with than girls.

Also, if it's really getting her down, can she contact the Uni's counselling people?

They must have experience of situations like this and be able to advise on how to manage it.

Laxatives in their alcohol.... then see who's laughing. Silly bitch.

When I was at university I shared a house in the second year. It was disastrous as one of the housemates was heavily into drugs (scarily so such that the final straw was when I discovered he was hoarding all the knives in his room ) and another spent his whole time turning off all the utilities to save money - even the water!

I plucked up courage to visit the welfare place and the next day I was lounging in the best post-graduate suite in the university which luckily was going spare.

It’s worth asking.

Thanks SO much everyone. Your replies made me smile, cry and laugh!!
@Johnathonripples I like that advice!! I’ve always tried to encourage her to make an effort with girls. I think I’ve been a bit naive in that and wish I’d given her your advice and will do from now on. X
@Bajalaluna thanks for that. It’s just horrid. From what she’s told me I think the only thing she’s done ‘wrong’ in their eyes is say to one of the boys ‘ah, I think your fun’ when this girl was saying how boring he is. I appreciate the reminder that this is only temporary. X
Thanks @honkytonkheroe. I bet your daughter was gutted!! That’s so horrible. I don’t understand why the other girl went along with it... So pleased to hear a story where your daughter has grown up and past it. I’m sure it made her stronger and pray it will do that for my daughter x
@UntamedWisteria I hope your son is enjoying uni. Thanks for your reply. From what she’s told me the boys sound as lovely as your son and I really hope they stick up for her if things get nasty. If it doesn’t improve I’ll make sure she speaks to her personal tutor about it. X
@fmlfmlfmlfm you gave me a much needed laugh!! Thankyou X
@IrmaFayLear yikes!!!! That’s scary. It’s good to know there is a way of her carrying on if it gets worse without giving up on her course. X

If it gets too out of hand you might find that the College has a 'mediation' service.

Thanks @lionheart I think it’s got to that point. I’ve just spoken to her and have never heard her so blue. She’s always so happy and positive but this is breaking her.
I’ve told her to speak to her personal tutor, she’s not keen to as he’s ‘old and won’t understand’. So I’m currently googling what help there is for her. Gutted for her...

I’m sure he would understand; she should visit him and the university accommodation place. They would be able to make contact with halls of residence etc to see what spare places there might be if some students have dropped out.

It’s a horrible situation: I remember my first job where I encountered some girls so nasty if I met them today (30 years on) I’d knock their collective heads together. I had all the secret giggling, the sabotaging of work, the telling lies about me to boss. I had absolutely no clue as to why. I tried to be friendly and even bravely suggested I join them for lunch. This was met by much sniggering and then their running out and bursting out laughing outside the room. It was horrible and I left after a few months. Still upsets me when I think about it...

It is horrible. Sadly there are people like that (sorry to be sexist but they are often girls/women) in schools, universities and work places too. Normally you can just ignore them and go out but that is hard with covid 19 and bubbles. She could certainly spend more time and go out with the nice boys who are there as one option suggested above. I think students realise quickly who is toxic and not nice to have around. it is like dealing with a noisy neighbour - if you complain you might make enemies for life and you never quite know when to complain or not.

I think if it is really horrible she should ask the university if she can move flats particularly as some people have gone home already so I bet there may be more space (although I know due to estimated grades etc some are full to the brim this year).

She should not let nastiness go by - so she did the right thing saying to the boy he was fun. She must not side with the nasty girl against the others ever. she might also want to record on her phone some of the nastiness for evidence although I suppose that might not be fair play and she might get found out. Keep any nasty texts anyway.

Try to join any university clubs going and get out of the flat as much as possible and at least once a day. If the library can be booked even just for 4 hours a week book it just to have somewhere to go.

Making homophobic comments will be a disciplinary matter for the uni should they choose to report it. They should talk to the student counsellors / accom people. The homophobic comments may be enough for her to be given a warning and be the one who is moved. It doesn’t matter the guy isn’t gay it’s still harassment on the basis of a protected characteristic even if you aren’t actually gay. The 3 of them should report her together. That’s she’s said homophobic stuff actually makes it much more straightforward as she’s clearly breached student conduct rules.

Thanks @IrmaFayLear I bet it makes you upset remembering it - what a horrible experience! And from adults too...that’s shocking!! Do you mind me asking, did you feel you grew through it or did it leave you with huge insecurities?

@Xenia thanks for this. I think that’s why she’s worried about taking it any further. I needed to hear your pep talk about not letting nastiness slide. I’m so tempted to tell her to lock herself away and not get involved but she was right speaking out and I’ll reiterate how proud I am of that. Will get her to keep a record of the incidents too!
She’s joined a couple of groups - one isn’t doing anything at the moment, but she’s just arranged to meet up for coffee with one of the girls in the other society. I don’t know if she’s allowed to under uni rules, but I really don’t want to discourage it when she’s having such a hard time, and she’s really missing girly company. Really hoping Boris’ new rules don’t disallow it.

@Yorkshirehillbilly it’s not right is it? She has just asked the two boys who get the most grief if they’d like a movie night in her room tonight. I never thought I’d be so happy for her inviting two boys back to her room alone haha. It’ll either just be a lovely chilled night, or a chance to talk about how to get back to a happy flat.

I really thought all the hard bits of bringing up children was over, but I’m slowly realising I’ll never stop worrying about her.
Thanks so much for all your support! You’ve no idea how it’s helped me. Really appreciate it

Since I wrote my son just called me and his library which was open to bookings has now closed as no one was booking it so they decided to close it. I think that's a pity although he says he has got used to working in his room. It does mean he doesn't have access to a photocopier or printer so easily and I have just been out to post materials to him by special delivery to arrive tomorrow which his twin printed off a home (his twin is doing the same course but from home).

I don’t think I grew from the experience at all ! Now I would be able to cope better (I hope) but when you’re young it’s such a shock to come across people who seem to be inherently nasty.

I feel sorry for your dd, Roberts1983, but at least she has told you about it and there are friendly people in her flat - even if they are mere boys!! I would still urge her to speak to Accommodation. I wouldn’t report this girl. What if she is not investigated or absolved? She will make life worse for your dd. I know we should be principled, but in this case your dd should look after no. 1.