Son not settling

[Whatonearthdoido]

Does anyone have any advice - I am at my wits end.
My son has not settled at all well at university. He is struggling with every aspect. He has specific learning difficulties and is finding it virtually impossible to follow the online lectures and to extract any information from them. He doesn’t appear to have anyone that he can ‘go to’ to ask questions or seek help from. He is is an area now in lockdown and so I cannot even visit or bring him home.
The stress is making me feel so unwell and I just feel powerless being so far away.

I’m so sorry. Has he had an assessment with disability services at the uni? That will get him support with learning- lots more than at school in my experience. He should also have a personal tutor. That’s who he should be talking to. If he can’t do that it may not be the right choice just now. Sometimes students find it very hard to seek help but at most unis there is a strong support system.

His DSA assessment is next week. So I’m hoping some things will be put into place after that. He hasn’t been assigned a personal tutor - do you think this is an oversight? What can I realistically do my end - can I contact anyone? I feel as if he has just been abandoned to sink or swim and he’s drowning.

Dh used to be a Uni lecturer so just asked him about the personal tutor, yes, he should have been assigned one straight away. They usually get an academic one and also a pastoral one, all students get this, so if he hasn't, definitely get him to chase it up. He'll get additional support on top of that once he's has his assessment.

DD is a fresher too and has also found understanding timetables etc difficult. Has he joined Uni chat groups? DD is part of chat groups for her Uni, course and also her halls, this is all via Facebook/messenger, if he's not already, get him to search for his course and freshers.

The first few weeks are the worst, you're not alone in feeling helpless. My DD is in quarantine with her household bubble, they all have covid!

Very hard from your end- generally parents can’t get involved as they have to be treated as adults. Often students don’t read their email or the handbook... I would be amazed if he didn’t have a personal tutor- he should ask one of his course tutors.

You are not alone. My daughter is not happy. She’s lucky (I guess) as she isn’t in lockdown (yet). She has bad anxiety. Obviously the whole situation of going to uni is worrying enough for them. But with Covid as well it is much harder. I think she will actually drop out :( She is doing her dream course at her dream uni. But she is unsure whether she wants to study for another three years at all! She isn’t enjoying the course. She likes the uni, but just decided she doesn’t want to get into that much debt if she doesn’t really need a degree.
She found it hard to make friends. Her housemates mainly do drugs. She has made friends with the other two. And also made a friend from her course. But her room (which she loves) overhangs the smoking area, and if she opens the window then weed smoke comes in.
She feels quite isolated. And has huge amounts of work to do. Finding it hard to study with all the parties keeping her up (she doesn’t do parties). I’m not sure what the solution is - she doesn’t want to move flats as she has these two friends now. So she’ll probably end up trying to stick it out for a bit longer. A good thing is she has a lovely personal tutor. She’s emailed him a couple of times saying she’s struggling, and he’s called her right away.
But I do feel for you. I get many late night texts and FaceTimes. I’m just worried if she does drop out what will she do? No jobs. No travel. No friends (they are at uni). Boyfriend at uni. Potential lockdown. I have no idea.

Have you looked at the online content with him? Depending on the university, I’ve found it clear and laid out well with tick boxes, for example, to help. You might be able to support that way in breaking it down for him.
Alas, my DD is back home. Huge Covid area and stuck alone in isolation she just hated it. As it’s all online now she will do it from here. I do worry though as friends are now away but she seems happy enough!

If everything on the course is on-line anyway, it might be best to bring him home i.e. change his 'bubble' status permanently. Some universities are letting students cancel their accommodation contracts to do this. Carefully check the lockdown rules/guidelines for his/your area. Even in 'full UK lockdown' there was a get out for 'caring for the vulnerable'.

If he is not totally unhappy it might be best to give it at least a month but only you know your DS.

Thank you all. So sorry to hear that others have children who are feeling the same way. He is now talking about leaving - he just feels so unsupported. I have thought about bringing him home. If it is all online does it matter where he is? He is having doubts about both the university and the course so not sure what to do for the best. I am on my own and feel that I have no one to share the ‘load’ with.

Going through this with my dd too.
Flatmates are ok but are not interested in socialising in the kitchen in the evenings. No face to face lessons so no chance to meet anyone on her course. She's lonely and getting more and more depressed.
Has a better day and I think things are improving but then back down and sad again.
I've told her to seriously consider coming home to work from here. She's now thrown into the mix today that she thinks she wants to change course. It's a very closely linked science course so may be possible but she's not sure if she wants to change now or reapply for next year.
She emailed admissions earlier to find out if it would be possible to change and also her tutor for advice. And she'll then have to decide what to do.
I don't know what's best to advise her. I do sort of think it might be better to leave it until next year as everything is so awful for students at the moment. But on the other hand if she can change now and work at home for the time being it might all seem so much better for her.
She feels robbed of the real uni freshers experience but who knows if things will be much better next September.

My daughter came home and is doing her degree online until things are more ‘normal’.
This year is so very far from a normal student experience we just felt that if she wasn’t enjoying it (she wasn’t!) there was no point in being there.
Surely nowhere is in so strict a lockdown (yet!) that you can’t just pick them up?

I think coming home is the best option for my dd too. Being so alone isn't doing her any good. She has a couple of friends here not at uni so would have them around for socialising.
I would like her to change course, if possible, if that's what she really wants to do and come home until things improve and she can actually 'go' to uni.
I worry she thinks things would be all be great again next September so she could go then and experience it as she imagined it would be but what if they're not. She'll then feel like she's wasted a year.

OP, you say that the fact that your son is in a lockdown area means that you cannot bring him home. However, to the best of my knowledge there are no areas where moving house is banned. I checked the regulations for lockdown areas in Wales the other day (-I am guessing from your comment that your son is in Wales) and from what I remember moving house was a permitted reason to leave the area.

Lots on WIWIKAU feeling the same, how is he getting on with his flatmates? Are they starting to bond?

Making friends and fitting in really helps them to settle, then he can get help with coursework if needed.

DSA gave my DD an independent mentor, who helped her plan her work and discuss any problems she was having. If he has a DSA assessment, get him to ask if he can have this support.