would like to learn from mothers - what was mot important in secondary education years...

[keyboardwithpaper]

I realise how many mistakes I have done in primary school eductaion - tutors, nagging, not enough time for reading together ( work commitments). Most importantly me being stressed - through work, high expectations, little attention to personality development...I would really like to learn from experienced mothers who had children through secondary education - what is the most important do you think in growing their personalities as well as academic side? Thank you

I have to say bimkom, having raised eight tolerably sensible adults/ young adults, that any concept of grieving is completely alien to me. A bit weird even. My parenting has simply consisted of lurching from event to event as it occurred, trying to bat any problems out of the way as best as I could.

Don't think too much is my advice.

goodbystranger Maybe that is because you had eight! I suspect if you have fewer, and especially if the fewer is not through choice (I am not sure I could have handled eight, but one or two more would have been nice, and we half thought of going down the fertility route to try for more, but didn't think we could legitimately justify it, given that we had some, and others had none)

bimkom no I wouldn't say that I did much differently on account of volume, if only because I didn't overthink any aspect of childbirth or rearing for the oldest any more than for the youngest. So my advice, such as it is, stands. I'd say it was fairly versatile advice too.

Also bimkom, implicit in what you say is an idea that the more children you have the less valuable they are to a parent, which isn't correct, in my experience.

To listen to what your kids want and not what you think is best.

I would say communicating with them and being around for them is important. I agree with a pp who said that unless they go really go off piste don't interfere.
I have left my children to do their own homework, prepare for exams, practice their music ( apart from occasional reminder ). Both are avid readers. The school stopped concentrating on reading once they hit secondary school but they both have have gone to library since they were toddlers and took books from our local library even if the school did not give them reading books. So, encourage them to keep reading.
I have noticed a big difference in the secondary school children ( my youngest is 13) with smart phone and gaming. You have to decide what technology you want your child to have depending on their maturity and how you allow them to access it. There is no one size fits all - so don't be pressurised by your child, other children, other parents or any internet advice 😊.
Get them involved in whatever you are doing - somethings they will be interested and will start spending time with you Dd2 loves helping me with cooking and gardening but Dd1 was never interested in either of them but will come walking with me. They are much more relaxed during this and will voluntarily divulge information about school, their difficulty etc .,
Great thread OP..

Don't remind or help with homework unless they ask you to.

Keep your powder dry - don't moan to the school unless it is hugely important and, if possible, make sure your dc knows what you are up to

No screens in bedrooms after lights out, this has been a godsend and my dcs don't even question it now.

Keep them well fed, when they go through their adolescent growth spurt they will be hungry ALL the time (in my experience!)

Spend time with them, watching TV, sitting together for supper, walking the dog. Let them be silent if they want to be, but you'll be surprised what info you get if you just hang around them for a bit.

Grit your teeth very hard when they make friends/boyfriends/girlfriends with kids you don't approve of .

I agree they need you more at this age , even though they don't know it .
I did not micro manage them but gave a gentle push re homework , they soon realise detention is a pain in the arse.
I never ever missed a parents eve and read every letter sent and acted accordingly.
I disagree to a point of letting them self organise , i always made sure their kits were ready when needed , easier than last minute panic / drama , did that for me as well as them .
Bed at a decent time ,and i repeated myself telling them how important to their future education is .
But also i never pressured them , there are still many other learning opportunities after secondary school .
They are still children .

Let them make mistakes and then support them in finding a solution to that mistake. Didn’t get the test result you expected? What do you need to do differently next time? Let them come up with the answers.

Make the small stuff easy - have spare stationery etc in the house. Have a copy of their timetable on the fridge so it’s easy to see when they need kit.

Pick your battles. If they aren’t going to do a subject for GCSE eg Art or RE then HW just needs to be OK/Done. Focus on those subjects where they need to put in more effort.