In my 30s - Eldest has just left for Uni - How do you cope?

[Beanjar]

Hi, I home educate my 14 year old daughter and am self-employed with my husband, working from home but today is my first day of being home without our boy.

I feel lost and the house feels empty. I don't know how often to make contact with him as I don't want him pushing me away but I don't want him thinking I don't care either.

We had a lovely day on Sunday settling him in to his rented house (no Uni halls where he is). We've lived in Guernsey all of his life and he's now in UK.

Our family has changed forever so I'm thinking of putting together a bucket list of things to achieve whilst still in my 30s?

Any other suggestions are welcome.

You're still so young, I had my last baby at 36!

I'd let him contact you. I felt sure dd1 would nt contact me much but theres a message or phone call practically every day/ every other day.

A puppy?!

I'd look at things in the short term, it'll help if you keep busy. Plan something to do with your DD over the weekend, even something simple like lunch or a walk. Then think about trying a new a new hobby, meet friends for coffee/evening out.

If you have an OH, now's your time to do more things together, a regular walk, hobby together, a drink or meal out. Obviously your DD would be welcome, but at the same time she's old enough to be left on her own.

If you haven't contacted him since the weekend, send him a text now asking something about uni, students, what he's done. My DD went into boarding for sixth form and we had contact approx 3 times a week, that's not right for everyone though.

It's strange now because it's new, but you will adapt and get used to it, plus he'll be home for the holidays (and then for a good few years after graduation if he's anything like I was ha ha).

You should be incredibly proud of yourself that you've raised a son that a) got into university and b) has the confidence in himself to move to mainland UK. You've obviously done an incredible job with him.

I would try and find ways to fill any extra time you might have. Whether it's finding a new hobby or just finding some new TV shows to watch, keeping busy is key.

As hard as it is, sending them off into the world is exactly what you've been preparing him for his whole life, and everyone will adjust in time :).

I wasn't being glib with my puppy comment. Mine has just gone too and I feel like I need something small and furry to nurture.

Another child?

My youngest went yesterday. I feel unmoored now - we were very close and I don’t think it’s hit me yet that he’s actually gone.

An empty nest at 45.

There’s opportunity on the horizon though. I start a Master’s next week, have put my working hours up to fill my time, and it’s nice t know I did ok. I got my two sons to university. That’s something I’m proud of.

And it’ll be Christmas before you know it!

Mine haven’t gone yet so I don’t know how I will feel in actuality, but so far I view it as my job as a parent to prepare them and then send them off to do whatever they will in the world - this is just the next stage in that journey, and I will be there to support when needed but otherwise fascinated to see what they will do.

My only child leaves for uni next week and I am just very excited, both for him starting a new chapter of his life and for me ... I have a holiday planned, am taking on a challenging volunteer role and, to be brutally honest, am looking forward to more time, energy and space to just do my own thing (& getting full use of my car back ).

It is very hard but texts allow you to keep communication open. I text my girls every day. Often they text me first. Doesn't have to be much just "guess what the dog has done" or something like that. Keep home alive for him and open the communication.

Thank you for all of your replies.

Already have a labrador retriever, can't have any more children as had a hysterectomy 6 years ago and so maybe I could start some sort of hobby?

I just wish he'd call or text even once a week. The only way I know he's alive is by seeing the 2 x blue ticks on the WhatsApp message I send him every couple of days. Just asking how he is and what he's been up to?

I get that he wants his independence and I know he prefers face to face relationships. He doesn't do well with social media / messages etc.

How do I know he's okay? Do I think no news is good news or no news is a concern?

I don't want to be the suffocating / helicopter mum but I don't want to regret not having tried harder either, should he do something. 😔

What do you mean should he do something?

Will he answer the phone? I think you need an agreement to chat briefly once a week or something.