Only child heading off to Uni

[Monica53]

Hi
In a few weeks we'll be waving off our only one to uni! ..having a wave of emotions!...dreading them goibg- worry/anxiety! ..Trying to keep busy ..though the worry of it all gets to me ! Any advice greatly appreciated. Thank you 😊

I haven’t got to the totally empty nest stage yet but even so, I am planning the following:

Nights out, weekend meet-ups with friends

Book train tickets for your dc to come home for a weekend if that’s feasible - when dd went, I was gutted when all my friends kids came home for the weekend after 3-4 weeks and she didn’t.

Plan a holiday

Plan a weekend to go to visit them

Take up a new pastime.

My DDs didn’t come home and you shouldn’t presume they will want to. It’s her life to decide when she wants to come home. She will tell you. My DDs would have thought I was massively weird if I had booked a ticket home before they even started! They might want to book a ticket to see friends at other universities! That’s what mine did.

Why all the worry!? Most DC love university and you have done a great job getting DC there. So relax and think what interests you now. I joined clubs, volunteered, and we booked holidays. We planned all sorts of things with friends and saw people we hadn’t seen for ages. We went out to great restaurants and we revamped the house room by room. We visited DC at the end of term. As a conveyance for all their stuff.

DD1 did come home for reading week. Let them dictate to you what they want. Look to volunteering and joining things that you didn’t have time for previously. Take on a project. The time at university goes so quickly but DC have to make their own decisions now and parents need to loosen the reins and allow them to grow up.

Make sure you do plenty of things so that you can talk about them on the phone or via messages - it's easy to sound lonely and dependent on them otherwise.

Train tickets are cheaper if you buy in advance, which is why I suggested planning a trip back. But yes they wont’t all want to do that. My dd did not come home at all the first term & I will admit I found it hard. And she was in the minority by doing that.

Ds will come for a weekend because we have a family celebration in the first term.

I do think it’s important they know it’s fine to come home for weekends if they want to. That is quite the norm in many countries but I appreciate the English have differing habits when it comes to university life.

Hi - so grateful for the input...our Dd will be able to get cheapish flights as easyjet run flights from Bristol to home and only 50mins also much cheaper than trains... I know we is very nervous which we're saying is very natural as a new chapter in her life..I keep.getting butterflies ..

My DD used to occasionally see friends in Edinburgh via Easy Jet when she was a student in Bristol! None of DDs friends at Bristol kept going home though. Even ones who came from Wiltshire and Somerset stayed put. They seemed to find lots to do at the weekend. The odd one or two that did go home a lot didn’t really gel in the halls of residence.

I was cut up when I left my eldest at university. And she didn't even live with me before she went (she lived with her mum in the same town). It's difficult to avoid. You need to think about the opportunities they're going to have to develop as grown-ups (even if they keep having to ask for money).

I'm in the same boat OP and will be the first completely empty nester of our friends.

Tbh I'm feeling a huge range of emotions from pride to anxiety.

Our DD went to uni last year and I was so worried about how she and we would cope. It’s such a massive transition, much bigger than first day at school or the step up to secondary school. But she’s had a fabulous year and enjoyed it hugely - grown up so much, made brilliant friends and absolutely blossomed.

I’ve found it hard at times to be honest. Your life revolves round them for so many years and then the quiet is eery! But I’ve also thoroughly enjoyed having some space and time to do things that I couldn’t usually, just simple things like long soaks in the bath, early nights with a book and pottering in the garden etc.

I would say that it’s fine to be sad and a bit mournful and perfectly to be accepted. Don’t feel guilty for that. And also ignore all the people that say the worlds your oyster, you can do whatever you want, time to rekindle your relationship, it’ll be just like it was before you had them etc etc etc. Your DC will still need you massively, just from a bit of a distance. The geography changes, but your relationship absolutely doesn’t.

It is hard and you will have weepy days. Skype/Facetime makes a huge difference though to both of you; it’s so much easier when you can see your dc face to face as it were.

They will have weeks (5th week in my experience) where they really want to come home so if you can make plans to visit around then it seems to be better than them coming home (and not wanting to go back again ☺️).

I’ve quite enjoyed how tidy the house stays in termtime and I love going to visit dd. It helps that her terms are so short so she’s soon home again. I’ve taken up a couple of hobbies.

You will get there. ♥️

Oh and try to find a balance between letting them know that you miss them but that you are so glad they’re happy. Try not to cry in front of them. Big hugs and then leave them to settle in.

Make a plan for the evening she goes. The cinema is good as it takes your mind off it. I’d plan on having a damn good cry if you want to. This is a massive stage in both your lives, celebrate it by all means, but you’re allowed to mourn the passing of something as well. 💐

My DDs went to boarding school at 11. No weepy days here. I don’t think everyone gets upset at “empty nests” in the same way. I think ensuring you are busy, learning how to keep in touch and knowing they are doing what they want and enjoy is very important to everyone’s wellbeing.

Monica53 my son starts uni in a couple of weeks and he is also our only child. My husband works away so he has been my companion all these years and we are very close. I am happy and excited for him and gave been trying to prepare myself for some time-both practically and emotionally but the bottom line is this is a big change and I think we are allowed to feel both happy and sad at the same time, it is truly a bittersweet time! Some people dont experience this-my sister didnt but I am already very tearful and know that in the early days I am going to feel pretty crap! I recently joined Mumsnet purely to connect with other mums for support as none of my friends children are going this year. I have a career and lots of friends, interests etc but my son is the centre of my world and I know I will miss him so much. He’s going to the south coast so we are planning to go for a wkend after about 5 wks to give him a chance to settle in. We have talked about him going and I have asked him to just be a little patient with me initially as I may want to call more than he would like but that I will adjust in time. Anyway, I hope maybe we can connect on here and support each other in the coming weeks. Everyone copes differently but from talking to friends who have been through it I know how I’m feeling is completely normal x

Mine is an only child. She started boarding two years ago (her choice not ours) and I spent all summer dreading it. My tip is to keep yourself busy, make plans to see friends, day trip those first few days and get on and do those jobs you keep meaning to. When it was time to say goodbye, I just about kept it going emotionally but walked down the path in tears. I was determined not to unsettle DD.

Now she's off to uni next week, 350+ miles away so we probably won't see her until xmas - I work weekends and DH has to give months notice for time off. Yes, I'm going to be emotional but so very proud of her hard work and determination.

When you see them having an amazing experience, gaining independence and living the life they want it really overtakes how you feel. It does take a bit of getting used to and I have started some new hobbies which has helped. Also when they are home which has been a long time over the summer it really makes you appreciate it and we have had a great time. Don't worry OP it will be fine.

Reported the above

Was just going to post about when does it get easier dropping them off? Taking dd - only child - back on Saturday for her second year - and it's breaking my heart because I am going to miss her so much after having her here for the summer. I am so pleased that she is enjoying it and want her to spread her wings but my heart is weeping

I can so relate to your story , I have a son 24 in his last year at university and my daughter 20 , I took to university yesterday, both of them are my world and who I have struggled to live for ( had cancer 6 times in past 11 years )
As no longer allowed to work ,,I suppose I have been lucky to have always been at home for them and loved us all being so close .
I have no idea how to adjust to no child at home , no noise ,no fun and laughter and being alone with so much time on my hands , all of my friends with too so no coffee or lunch dates . I truly feel a part of me is missing

Cal95 - thank you for your reply. Like you I miss the noise, the chatter and the company. Please look after yourself - you've been through so much

Thank you so much , you stay strong too x