Raising a self-sufficient kid

[NeleusTheStatue]

Just wondering how independent other DCs were when they started uni/college. My DS is Y7 so still a long way to go, but I feel I ought to start doing something deliberately, to encourage his independence.

We always encouraged regular exercises and healthy eating habits so they are well part of his life now. He's a weekly boarder so is fairly independent also.

However, his room at the boarding house is such chaos with clothes, food packages, lots of loose A4 papers from classes, etc. He had a system at home so his room was always tidy but it seems like he forgot how to keep everything in place. He has to manage his clothes at school, but he brings all the dirty clothes at weekend so he doesn't do the laundry yet. He has to pick his food and drink at school, but he doesn't need to cook nor wash the dishes.

I fear he might live in horribly smelly clothes, in a room full of rubbish, and even ditch his healthy eating habits in favour of easy meals once he starts living alone...

So, I am basically on the mission of helping him become more self-sufficient before he hits the uni year. To begin with I am going to show him how to prepare simple but healthy and yummy snacks during the Easter.

Any advice or sharing ideas from experience would be greatly appreciated...

My 16 (nearly 17) yr old ds has been doing his own laundry since he was 14 (year 9). He also cooks for the family one night a week, he chooses what to cook and can manage a good spag bol, risotto or pasta dish and has been doing that for the last couple of years.

He regularly looks after his younger brothers for an hour or so and is responsible for cleaning and hoovering his own room as well. I don't iron unless essential but he's quite fussy so also irons his own clothes.

I would say he is very independent, I have 3 boys and am determined that they will all learn to look after themselves and not rely on the women in their lives to do absolutely everything for them.
Since he was 14 he has also flown alone (domestic flight) to visit his Dad and has great confidence in travelling independently, this has helped hugely with his overall confidence generally.

My two went to school for a term in South Africa and flew each with another girl from school. No parents went. They did the exchange in y9 and they were 13. I think self reliance, common sense and confidence as much as cooking and cleaning help at university. More than folding knickers anyway!

Thanks for sharing your experiences.

Actually, DS is pretty tidy, well, at least at home. Away from home, he is happily living in a mess. I would still keep reminding him it's not ideal! It's not the end of the world, but obviously it's better to keep things in place if you can! Don't forget feng shui!

I wouldn't make him do the laundry every weekend as I rather like to have some family time. He has lessons on Saturdays too so he has such little time at home. He could do loading dishwasher or putting away clean plates though. It doesn't take long so it won't ruin the family time.

During the Easter, I will show him how to use the washing machine and also snack making. Then I'll ask him to do the laundry and prepare his lunch a couple of times. We can do this every school holiday.

Money-wise, he's pretty sensible with his pocket money. He is generally good at timekeeping also. His school operate a bit like university so he's used to check things, find a way and organising things such as extra lesson, rehearsal, etc.

I made sure mine could cook, use washing machine, and he knew how to do lots of stuff. But when he started Uni he chose to eat in pubs, live in a tip, never iron etc. All his friends were exactly the same. You can teach these things but it doesn't mean they'll do any of them.

He'll learn when he gets there. I wouldn't worry at all. He might live like a pig in shit for the first year,but the 2nd year he'll get taken down by his flatmates if he is disgusting. Boarding school is good for learning how to live communally but a part time job in a pub has taught dd all she ever wanted to know about people!!

I do believe it's parents' responsibility to teach their children basic life skills and social etiquette before letting them move out of the family home. It's up to him to make them of any use. He may choose to do his own way and may live like a pig in shit. But at least there is a difference between choosing to do so and don't know what's supposed to do...

DD was pretty rubbish at cooking so ate a lot of raw foods and salads. She survived.

DS1 goes this year and I'm proud of his independence, he cooks full meals for 5 regularly. Cleans the house, bedroom like a new pin. Drives sensibly and is good with money.

DS2 goes in 2020. I am hoping to God he gets into catered accom as he is useless in a kitchen. His idea of healthy food is houmous with crisps . But he is very good at making friends and managing money. He is also great at making money. He will be fine.

I fear he might live in horribly smelly clothes, in a room full of rubbish, and even ditch his healthy eating habits in favour of easy meals once he starts living alone...

We have one DC like this, and one DC who has perfectly acceptable organisation, personal hygiene and eating habits. The dirty DC had revolting full body acne after his final year at university. This has cleared up by virtue of him living at home for a year while he does an internship; he has to shower daily (not sure how thoroughly he washes) but more than anything his clothes/sheets/towels are laundered properly for him. I shudder to think what state he will revert to when he is a student again next year.

I wouldn't worry either, especially at this early stage. I have always done everything for the DC's, but that's me, and it hasn't impacted on their independence at all. Just because you do things for them, doesn't mean they don't learn by example. DD1 very independent, very responsible, mothers everyone else at both uni and now in a shared flat in London. Interestingly, I would add that her international friends who have spent their lives boarding and travelling the world, tend to be the slobbiest in terms of cleaning, washing, cooking etc.

(P.S. Nobody irons their clothes at university).

I had a few friends who loved and enjoyed all the domestic things especially cooking/baking/sawing. If you have that sort of child you don't really need to teach them much.

I have one who seems to think there is a fairy who does all for us. It wouldn't harm him if I made him realise it's not the case...

I told DS my plan to let him prepare some simple snack for himself during school holiday. He asked me to teach him how to cook a steak. Steak is actually very simply, but I would rather like to start with something even simpler, something he can easily make when he's alone at home for instance. Also, being lazy is part of the reason why he doesn't do anything around the kitchen rather than simply he can't. So making him do some simple stuff in the kitchen is a good start I think.

Today he tried banana milkshake (frozen banana, milk and honey) and toasted waffles for his mid morning snack... Not quite healthy-healthy but it did encourage him to do it himself!

He...is 17 and he has just managed to toast some waffles for himself??

Fuck me. Did he make the waffles?

Obviously he has done something in the past. When he was little he enjoyed helping me in the kitchen (more work for me though!). He likes cracking eggs, mixing stuff, cutting cookies, etc, because they can be fun. He also makes his toast and pouring hot water kind of snack at school. So he knows some but not at a practical level yet. I like to teach him it's actually very easy to prepare some tasty snacks, not purely as a fun activity, but to encourage him to build a new habit - get up and do something by himself rather than calling his mum or wait till I become available!

DS2 left his full boarding school unable to even heat baked beans! He had a year off travelled worked and I gave him a few tips on cooking before he went to uni Nd a cook book and now he’s the only one of his uni friends who always cooks his own food from scratch, he budgets very carefully and won’t buy pre prepared food as he says it’s too expensive. Home for Easter he’s cooked some delicious meals for us. I also couldn’t cook when I left home at 19 and would now be considered by most of my friends to be a very good cook.
DS1 is also a good cook but studied it for GCSE. Guess what I’m saying is that you can learn to cook at any stage in your life if you want too.
Both could on the other hand use our washing machine from an early age.

I'm not disputing anyone can learn to cook at any time. I'm really disapproving of a 17 year old boy living at home who has to wait for his mummy to make him toast.

happygardening, I think you are very lucky as you say yours is the only one of his uni friends who cooks his own food from scratch. I know I can't make my DS be like that as it'll be his choice after all. All I can do now is to keep encouraging him to make a good habit.

Fazackerley, hopefully DS won't be like that when he's 17 - luckily he still as 6 years to go...

has 6 years to go...

I think the child has to be interested themselves. So yes, talk to him about how to do things himself and show or teach him if you like, but if he's not interested and/or ready then let him be.

A lot of universities are catered, also. And you can send washing out (service wash or dry cleaner) at not too much cost. A lot of "grown" adults I know only learnt a lot of these things once they were parents themselves or been away from home a fair while.

What I do think stays "ingrained" in people is a love of fruit, veg, exercise and healthy habits like drinking water not fizzy drinks etc. Which even if they break for a while they return to long term. Usually these are "modelled" habits. Even habits like smoking, people tend to give up after a while if their families are non smokers. Whereas a lot of children of smokers start off hating it and end up smoking longer term. It's like we revert to the habits of our parents/families

So if you keep a tidy house, clean clothes and healthy habits he should too some day! There might just be some "rebellions" along the way!

Where is the 17 yr old who can’t make toast?
I’m not seeing that.

I wholeheartedly apologise neleus.

I misread the op and you said y7 not 17.

No wonder I've been baffled.

Sorry.

I nodded every word of ShabbyAbby. They have to be interested themselves so while I can keep trying to teach DS he'll learn things on his terms. I also believe there are things 'ingrained which I hope we did well so he has a relatively good base (daily exercises, healthy eating, good work ethic...).

I just wanted to see if others deliberately teach their DCs or let them learn of their own accord. If you tried to teach how and when, or if you are happy with the outcome if you didn't. I know so many adults who live unhealthily...

Fazackerley, thanks for your kind apology, but please don't worry.

Dd wasn't that self sufficient by time she went to uni....had issues with dyslexia and dyscalculia so had organisational problems ( couldn't tell time or read timetables)
Wasn't keen on cooking and not the tidiest of people
She went to uni 350 miles from home so had to learn coping strategies
She's now graduated and living '000's of miles away on her own in apartment in large Chinese city, teaching English
I'm amazed at how resilient and organised she is now
My other 2 dcs also showed little interest in cooking, despite me cooking/baking with them from an early age....they knew basics but weren't that kee
However after couple of years of fending for themselves they can now cook, wash clothes, clean ( to an extent )
Even though I sent them off with basic cookbooks they all said that if they needed to cook something, they'd google it or watch a you tube video 🙄...still sometimes get phone calls for advice re recipes though!
They're all adventurous and have all had experience of traveling extensively worldwide....dd2 graduates this summer and is off to China to visit sister for 3 weeks while attending university course and then 5 weeks traveling in S America with bf
I've tried my best to guide them through this transition to independence and adulthood and be there for them when they need a handhold and guidance

I'm a university lecturer. I'd encourage you to find ways to give him the confidence to ask for help when he needs it. So many students at uni struggle because they are too shy/ proud/ unwilling to ask for help. This can be with anything - work, mental health etc. A young adult who is happy to seek help themselves from an almost stranger (new hall mate / lecturer / support officer) will have a great head start at uni.